James had something on his mind.
'So Dave,' James said. 'It seems like I haven't seen anybody getting the mail for a long time.'
'Yeah,' Dave replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been buying more bathroom soap and picking up the shit in the dining room over the past two weeks, out of the goodness of my heart?'
'Leave me alone, pal,' James said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'Gotcha,' Dave said sarcastically, 'and so you're totally incapable of mopping the floor, hmm?'
'I don't have time for this right now,' Dave said.
'You never have time for this,' James said.
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' James said.
'Well it's not like leprechauns are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Dave said.
'What about Pete?' James said. 'Go and pester him about mopping the floor.'
'Pete was wiping down the microwave yesterday,' Dave said good-naturedly. 'I think it's time you pitched in.'
'What about Pete?' James said. 'How about you ask him about dusting.'
'Pete was washing the dish towels this morning,' Dave said calmly. 'I think it's time you pitched in.'
'I so don't have time for this,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to do the dishes ,' James said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'What about Pete?' James said. 'Why don't you bother him about cleaning the toilet.'
'Uh, as if,' Dave said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! My toe hurts, can you do the dishes for me for a two weeks?!"'
'What is this, kindergarten?' Dave said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' James said.
'You never have time for this,' Dave said.
'I'm just saying,' James said.
'Fine,' Dave said.
'What about Pete?' James said. 'Go and annoy him about mopping the floor.'
'Pete was buying more detergent last night,' Dave said patiently. 'I think it's time you pitched in.'
'Can we talk about this later,' James said.
'Well it's not like leprechauns are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I'm too cool to scrub the shower!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' James said.
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' James said. 'wiping down the microwave, taking out the trash, washing the dish towels...'
'That's ridiculous,' Dave said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'Leave me alone, pal,' James said, 'I've got a toothache.'
'Right,' Dave said sarcastically, 'and that makes you utterly incapable of cleaning off the stovetop, yeah?'
'Fuck off, dude,' James said, 'I've got a headache.'
'I see,' Dave said viciously, 'and therefore you're totally incapable of sweeping the sidewalk, yeah?'
'Unbelievable,' James said.
'Whatever,' Dave said.
'I've got to go,' Dave said.
Dave looked serious.
'So Jake,' Dave said. 'It seems to me that I haven't seen anybody dusting lately.'
'How interesting,' Jake replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been taking out the trash and throwing out your friends's rotting bagels recently, because that's what civilized people do?'
'Take it easy, pal,' Dave said, 'I've got a lot of work to do.'
'I see,' Jake said tightly, 'and that makes you totally incapable of cleaning off the stovetop, yeah?'
'Can we talk about this later,' Dave said.
'Heard that one before,' Jake said.
'Back off, buddy,' Dave said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'More like watching shitty Netflix tv shows,' Jake said.
'This is not a good time to talk about this,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to mop the floor ,' Jake said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Jake said. 'dusting, cleaning the toilet, sweeping out the garage...'
'That's ridiculous,' Dave said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'Can we talk about this later,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to clean the sink ,' Jake said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I think I'm coming down with something! I don't feel well!!"'
'What is this, fourth grade?' Dave said.
'Leave me alone, buddy,' Jake said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'Or were you gone and napping till two,' Dave said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Jake said.
'And I don't have time to scrub the shower ,' Dave said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I think miniature (tiny ) fairies are going to sweep the floor for me!!"'
'What are you, seven?' Dave said.
'Back off, man,' Dave said, 'I've got allergies.'
'I get it,' Jake said sarcastically, 'and because of this tragedy you're utterly incapable of mopping the floor, yeah?'
'What about Pete?' Dave said. 'Why don't you annoy him about throwing out your boyfriend's rotting take-out.'
'Pete was doing the dishes this morning,' Jake said. 'You're overdue to help out.'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! My calf hurts, can you pick up the shit in the hall for me for a few days?!"'
'What is this, fourth grade?' Dave said.
'What about Pete?' Jake said. 'Why don't you bother him about buying some detergent.'
'Uh, sure,' Dave said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'Take it easy, bro,' Jake said, 'I'm bipolar.'
'Right,' Dave said with an eye roll, 'and so you're totally incapable of mucking out the fridge, it seems?'
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Jake said. 'taking out the trash, mucking out the fridge, washing the dish towels...'
'Pshaw!' Dave said. 'I have literally never seen you do that.'
'I so don't have time for this right now,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to pay the bills ,' Jake said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'Cut me some slack, buddy,' Dave said, 'My lung hurts.'
'You mean looking at porn,' Jake said.
'Fine,' Jake said.
'Whatever,' Dave said.
'This isn't a good time,' Jake said.
'Well it's not like little unicorns are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Dave said.
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Dave said. 'picking up the shit in the garage, taking out the trash, taking out the trash...'
'More like out drinking,' Jake said.
'This isn't a good time,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to clean the sink ,' Jake said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'What about Pete?' Dave said. 'Go and irritate him about doing the dishes.'
'Uh, sure,' Jake said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! Give me a break, I can't wipe down the microwave, I've got more important things to worry about!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Jake said.
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Dave said.
'Heard that one before,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! Cut me some slack, I can't sweep the front porch, I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel!!"'
'Just stop,' Jake said.
'Go easy on me, pal,' Dave said, 'I've got a toothache.'
'You mean getting high with your girlfriend,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! Fuck off, I can't vacuum, I don't feel well!!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! My ear hurts, can you wash the dish towels for me for a two hours?!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Jake said.
'Give it a rest, pal,' Dave said, 'I'm bipolar.'
'I see,' Jake said drolly, 'and therefore you're incapable of picking up the shit in the dining room, hmm?'
'I've got to go,' Jake said.
Pete coughed politely.
'Uh Dave,' Pete said. 'I couldn't help but notice I haven't seen anyone else getting the mail since, like, months ago.'
'Is that right,' Dave replied. 'Perhaps you haven't noticed how I've been cleaning off the stovetop and sweeping the floor in the past few days, just for fun?'
'I don't have time for this,' Pete said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Dave said.
'This is not a good time to talk about this,' Dave said.
'That's what you said last week,' Pete said.
'What about Jake?' Pete said. 'Go and bug him about doing the dishes.'
'Jake was vacuuming last night,' Dave said calmly. 'It's your responsibility.'
'What about Jake?' Pete said. 'Go and pester him about sweeping out the garage.'
'Jake was paying the bills last week,' Dave said patiently. 'I think it's time you pitched in.'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! My arm hurts, can you wash the dish towels for me for a several months?!"'
'What are you, eight?' Dave said.
'Bullshit,' Pete said.
'Whatever,' Dave said.
'Give me a break, man,' Dave said, 'I'm going through this shit with my girlfriend.'
'Don't you mean hitting the clubs,' Pete said.
'What about Jake?' Dave said. 'Why don't you annoy him about sweeping the floor.'
'Uh, sure,' Pete said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'What about Jake?' Dave said. 'Why don't you bug him about paying the bills.'
'Uh, okay,' Pete said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I'm too cool to wipe down the microwave!!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Pete said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Pete said.
'Well it's not like maids are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I've got a sinus infection! I've got a lot on my mind!!"'
'What are you, nine?' Pete said.
'Fuck off, dude,' Dave said, 'My eye hurts.'
'I think you mean gone and gone,' Pete said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to vacuum ,' Pete said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Dave said. 'picking up the shit in the living room, mucking out the fridge, picking up the shit in the garage...'
'That's ridiculous,' Pete said with an eye roll, 'you never do shit like that.'
'Give me a break, buddy,' Dave said, 'I've got a toothache.'
'More like out drinking,' Pete said.
'What about Jake?' Dave said. 'Why don't you bother him about sweeping the floor.'
'Uh, yeah right,' Pete said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'I so don't have time for this right now,' Pete said.
'That's what you said this morning,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! Lay off, I can't do the dishes, I'm bipolar!!"'
'What are you, six?' Dave said.
'Give it a rest, pal,' Pete said, 'I'm going through this shit with my girlfriend.'
'You mean lounging about,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I think fairies are going to pay the bills for me!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Dave said.
'Go easy on me, man,' Pete said, 'I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel.'
'More like at work,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! My back hurts, can you clean the toilet for me for a several days?!"'
'That's racist,' Dave said.
'I've got to go,' Dave said.
James frowned.
'Uh Dave,' James said. 'It seems like I haven't seen anyone buying new detergent in a while.'
'Is that right,' Dave replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been throwing out your partner's rotting clam dip and taking out the trash over the past weeks, just for fun?'
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I've got more important things to worry about! I'm bipolar!!"'
'What are you, five?' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I have to work for a living! I have to work for a living!!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I'm too cool to take out the trash!!"'
'What are you, six?' James said.
'Back off, dude,' Dave said, 'My cat is depressed.'
'I see,' James said sarcastically, 'and so you're completely incapable of cleaning the toilet, apparently?'
'Can we talk about this later,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to wash the dish towels ,' James said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'Bullshit,' James said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Dave said.
'What about Pete?' James said. 'Why don't you ask him about wiping down the microwave.'
'Uh, pshaw,' Dave said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'Cut me some slack, man,' James said, 'I'm going through this shit with my girlfriend.'
'I think you mean looking at porn,' Dave said.
'I'm just saying,' Dave said.
'Unbelievable,' James said.
'Yeah, whatever,' James said.
'I'm just saying,' Dave said.
'You want me to list what I do around here?' James said. 'wiping down the microwave, mopping the floor, buying new kleenex...'
'More like napping till two,' Dave said.
'Give it a rest, bro,' James said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'Or were you napping till two and out drinking,' Dave said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' James said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I think unicorns are going to throw out your boyfriend's rotting take-out for me!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Dave said.
'What about Pete?' James said. 'Why don't you irritate him about sweeping the front porch.'
'Pete was vacuuming the other day,' Dave said good-naturedly. 'How about you take a shift.'
'Unbelievable,' James said.
'Fine,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I'm too cool to pick up the shit in the hall!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' James said.
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' James said.
'Well it's not like cute miniature fairies are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Dave said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Dave said.
'Well it's not like leprechauns are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I think little unicorns are going to clean the sink for me!!"'
'Okay, that's seriously offensive,' Dave said.
'Can we talk about this later,' James said.
'Well it's not like tiny (tiny ) unicorns are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Dave said.
'Take it easy, dude,' Dave said, 'My head hurts.'
'Right,' James said viciously, 'and so you're completely incapable of getting the mail, does it?'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' James said.
'You never have time for this,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I think fairies are going to sweep the back porch for me!!"'
'That's racist,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! Back off, I can't scrub the shower, My dog is depressed!!"'
'Just stop,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! My head hurts, can you clean off the stovetop for me for a months?!"'
'That's racist,' Dave said.
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' James said.
'Well it's not like leprechauns are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! My back hurts, can you clean the sink for me for a weeks?!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' James said.
'I've got to go,' Dave said.
James coughed politely.
'Hey Dave,' James said. 'It seems to me that I haven't seen anyone sweeping the floor in a while.'
'Interesting,' Dave replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been changing those burned-out lightbulbs and sweeping the floor in the last several days, as a favor to you all?'
'I so don't have time for this right now,' Dave said.
'And I didn't have time to dust the day before yesterday,' James said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Incredible,' James said.
'Unbelievable,' Dave said.
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Dave said. 'picking up the shit in the living room, picking up the shit in the hall, doing the dishes...'
'That's ridiculous,' James said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'Leave me alone, pal,' James said, 'I've got allergies.'
'Or were you lounging about,' Dave said.
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Dave said. 'sweeping the floor, taking out the trash, wiping down the microwave...'
'That's ridiculous,' James said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'Leave me alone, bro,' Dave said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'You mean wherever it is you go all day,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! My calf hurts, can you mop the floor for me for a few months?!"'
'Just stop,' Dave said.
'Incredible,' James said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Dave said.
'What about Tom?' James said. 'Why don't you annoy him about throwing out your friends's rotting chili.'
'Tom was sweeping the kitchen floor last night,' Dave said patiently. 'It's your turn.'
'Give it a rest, man,' James said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'Or were you lounging about,' Dave said.
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' James said. 'mucking out the fridge, throwing out your old chili, changing those burned-out lightbulbs...'
'That's ridiculous,' Dave said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'This is so not a good time to talk about this,' James said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Dave said.
'Bullshit,' Dave said.
'Incredible,' James said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Dave said.
'That's what you said yesterday,' James said.
'Back off, pal,' James said, 'I've got a headache.'
'More like hitting the clubs,' Dave said.
'Cut me some slack, man,' James said, 'My hand hurts.'
'I see,' Dave said with an eye roll, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of buying some detergent, yeah?'
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' James said.
'And I don't have time to muck out the fridge ,' Dave said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'Lay off, buddy,' James said, 'I'm bipolar.'
'Oh, I see,' Dave said cynically, 'and so you're incapable of mopping the floor, apparently?'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! My foot hurts, can you buy some paper towels for me for a few days?!"'
'That was uncalled for,' James said.
'Lay off, bro,' James said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'I see,' Dave said cynically, 'and so you're utterly incapable of vacuuming, it seems?'
'Cut me some slack, bro,' James said, 'I don't feel well.'
'Oh, I see,' Dave said viciously, 'and that makes you utterly incapable of sweeping the floor, apparently?'
'Cut me some slack, dude,' James said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'Right,' Dave said viciously, 'and so you're incapable of mucking out the fridge, hmm?'
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Dave said. 'doing the dishes, sweeping the floor, throwing out that dude's bad lasagna...'
'More like watching shitty Netflix tv shows,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I'm too cool to clean the sink!!"'
'That was uncalled for,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I'm too cool to clean off the stovetop!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Dave said.
'This isn't a good time,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to pay the bills ,' James said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'Fuck off, buddy,' James said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'Don't you mean getting high with your boyfriend and at work,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I think workers are going to pick up the shit in the hall for me!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' James said.
'Give it a rest, pal,' James said, 'I've got allergies.'
'I think you mean looking at porn and at school,' Dave said.
'Give it a rest, bro,' James said, 'I'm bipolar.'
'I see,' Dave said cynically, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of scrubbing the shower, apparently?'
'Go easy on me, dude,' James said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'Oh, I see,' Dave said drolly, 'and therefore you're completely incapable of cleaning off the stovetop, hmm?'
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Dave said.
'Well it's not like little (miniature ) fairies are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I think elves are going to clean off the stovetop for me!!"'
'That was uncalled for,' James said.
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' James said. 'scrubbing the shower, picking up the shit in the garage, mopping the floor...'
'That's ridiculous,' Dave said sarcastically, 'you never do shit like that.'
'This is so not a good time to talk about this,' James said.
'And I don't have time to dust ,' Dave said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'I've got to go,' Dave said.
Tom coughed politely.
'Hey Pete,' Tom said. 'I see I haven't seen you cleaning the sink for a long time.'
'How fascinating,' Pete replied. 'Perhaps you haven't noticed how I've been sweeping the front porch and wiping down the microwave in the past few months, without asking for any credit?'
'Take it easy, man,' Tom said, 'I've got allergies.'
'Right,' Pete said drolly, 'and that makes you completely incapable of cleaning the sink, does it?'
'Yeah, whatever,' Pete said.
'Bullshit,' Tom said.
'I'm just saying,' Tom said.
'Incredible,' Pete said.
'What about Dave?' Tom said. 'How about you irritate him about mucking out the fridge.'
'Dave was picking up the shit in the hall last night,' Pete said. 'How about you take a shift.'
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Pete said. 'cleaning the sink, picking up the shit in the hall, scrubbing the shower...'
'You've got to be kidding me!' Tom said drily. 'I have never seen you do that. Literally.'
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Tom said. 'dusting, wiping down the microwave, wiping down the microwave...'
'More like playing video games all day,' Pete said.
'What about Dave?' Tom said. 'How about you pester him about cleaning off the stovetop.'
'Uh, pshaw,' Pete said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'This isn't a good time,' Tom said.
'And I didn't have time to change those burnt-out lightbulbs the day before yesterday,' Pete said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'This is not a good time to talk,' Tom said.
'Well it's not like elves are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Pete said.
'Cut me some slack, dude,' Tom said, 'I'm going through this shit with my partner.'
'More like at school,' Pete said.
'Go easy on me, bro,' Pete said, 'I don't feel well.'
'More like wherever it is you go all day,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I've got a lot of work to do! I think I'm coming down with something!!"'
'Okay, that's seriously offensive,' Tom said.
'This is not a good time to talk about this,' Tom said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! My head hurts, can you mop the floor for me for a several weeks?!"'
'What is this, third grade?' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! My toe hurts, can you change those burnt-out lightbulbs for me for a several days?!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you trying?' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! Back off, I can't vacuum, My lung hurts!!"'
'Okay, that's seriously offensive,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! My lung hurts, can you dust for me for a days?!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Pete said.
'I so don't have time for this,' Tom said.
'And I don't have time to throw out that dude's old lasagna ,' Pete said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Tom said. 'doing the dishes, picking up the shit in the hall, wiping down the microwave...'
'More like looking at porn,' Pete said.
'Leave me alone, bro,' Tom said, 'I've got a headache.'
'I see,' Pete said viciously, 'and that makes you completely incapable of paying the bills, it seems?'
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Tom said. 'buying some paper towels, doing the dishes, mopping the floor...'
'Ha!' Pete said. 'I have never seen you do that. Never.'
'I so don't have time for this,' Pete said.
'Heard that one before,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I've got a sinus infection! I've got a sinus infection!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Tom said.
'This isn't a good time,' Tom said.
'And I don't have time to clean the toilet ,' Pete said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Pete said.
'Well it's not like leprechauns are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Tom said.
'What about Dave?' Tom said. 'Why don't you ask him about scrubbing the shower.'
'Uh, whatever,' Pete said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'Lay off, bro,' Tom said, 'My eye hurts.'
'Right,' Pete said sarcastically, 'and therefore you're totally incapable of buying more dish soap, apparently?'
'Give me a break, pal,' Pete said, 'I'm still getting over that arm injury.'
'Or were you napping till two and at school,' Tom said.
'This is so not a good time to talk,' Pete said.
'Heard that one before,' Tom said.
'Take it easy, bro,' Pete said, 'My cat is depressed.'
'Right,' Tom said drolly, 'and that makes you incapable of wiping down the microwave, it seems?'
'Back off, pal,' Pete said, 'My hamster is depressed.'
'Oh, I see,' Tom said drily, 'and that makes you completely incapable of doing the dishes, eh?'
'I've got to go,' Pete said.
Jake cleared his throat.
'So Tom,' Jake said. 'I noticed I haven't seen anybody washing the dish towels lately.'
'Interesting,' Tom replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been sweeping the sidewalk and picking up the shit in the hall in the last couple of months, as a favor to you all?'
'What about Pete?' Jake said. 'Go and annoy him about getting the mail.'
'Pete was mopping the floor last night,' Tom said calmly. 'You're overdue to help out.'
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Tom said. 'wiping down the microwave, getting the mail, washing the dish towels...'
'That's ridiculous,' Jake said cynically, 'you never do shit like that.'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I'm too cool to wipe down the microwave!!"'
'What is this, fourth grade?' Jake said.
'This is so not a good time to talk about this,' Jake said.
'That's what you said yesterday,' Tom said.
'Fuck off, dude,' Jake said, 'I'm still getting over that lung injury.'
'Gotcha,' Tom said drolly, 'and so you're utterly incapable of dusting, it seems?'
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Jake said. 'mucking out the fridge, mopping the floor, picking up the shit in the garage...'
'That's ridiculous,' Tom said drolly, 'you never do shit like that.'
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' Tom said.
'You never have time for this,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I think unicorns are going to clean the toilet for me!!"'
'What is this, junior high?' Tom said.
'What about Pete?' Jake said. 'Go and pester him about taking out the trash.'
'Pete was paying the bills this morning,' Tom said. 'It's your turn.'
'Give me a break, buddy,' Tom said, 'I've been busy.'
'I see,' Jake said drolly, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of getting the mail, yeah?'
'Yeah, whatever,' Tom said.
'Fine,' Jake said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Tom said.
'And I didn't have time to clean the sink last night,' Jake said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! Cut me some slack, I can't take out the trash, I'm bipolar!!"'
'Just stop,' Tom said.
'Give me a break, bro,' Tom said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'I get it,' Jake said with an eye roll, 'and therefore you're totally incapable of cleaning the sink, huh?'
'Bullshit,' Tom said.
'Incredible,' Jake said.
'Bullshit,' Jake said.
'I'm just saying,' Tom said.
'Take it easy, buddy,' Jake said, 'I've been busy.'
'Gotcha,' Tom said drily, 'and therefore you're utterly incapable of washing the dish towels, it seems?'
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Tom said. 'scrubbing the shower, taking out the trash, paying the bills...'
'That's ridiculous,' Jake said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'Leave me alone, dude,' Jake said, 'I've got a toothache.'
'Oh, I see,' Tom said viciously, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of scrubbing the shower, huh?'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! My calf hurts, can you do the dishes for me for a couple of weeks?!"'
'What is this, fourth grade?' Tom said.
'Fine,' Jake said.
'Whatever,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! My lung hurts, can you scrub the shower for me for a months?!"'
'Just stop,' Tom said.
'I've got to go,' Tom said.
James cleared his throat.
'Hey Jake,' James said. 'I see I haven't seen anyone sweeping the front porch since, like, months ago.'
'How interesting,' Jake replied. 'Perhaps you haven't noticed how I've been sweeping the back porch and taking out the trash in the last months, without asking for any credit?'
'What about Pete?' James said. 'Why don't you ask him about paying the bills.'
'Pete was paying the bills last week,' Jake said. 'You're overdue to help out.'
'Take it easy, dude,' James said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'Gotcha,' Jake said viciously, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of taking out the trash, it seems?'
'I don't have time for this right now,' James said.
'And I don't have time to pick up the shit in the hall ,' Jake said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'What about Pete?' Jake said. 'Why don't you annoy him about vacuuming.'
'Pete was cleaning the sink the day before yesterday,' James said calmly. 'How about you take a shift.'
'Give it a rest, man,' James said, 'I've got a headache.'
'I get it,' Jake said sarcastically, 'and therefore you're incapable of cleaning the toilet, does it?'
'Leave me alone, pal,' James said, 'My cat is depressed.'
'Or were you out with your boyfriend,' Jake said.
'This isn't a good time,' Jake said.
'And I didn't have time to clean the sink the day before yesterday,' James said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'What about Pete?' James said. 'Go and pester him about changing those burned-out lightbulbs.'
'Uh, as if,' Jake said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'Take it easy, pal,' James said, 'I'm going through this shit with my boyfriend.'
'Or were you lounging about and away,' Jake said.
'Give it a rest, man,' Jake said, 'I've got a toothache.'
'Right,' James said sarcastically, 'and because of this tragedy you're totally incapable of changing those burned-out lightbulbs, it seems?'
'I'm too busy for this right now,' James said.
'You never have time for this,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I think little workers are going to muck out the fridge for me!!"'
'Just stop,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I've got a migraine! I'm going through this shit with my friends!!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Jake said.
'Fuck off, man,' James said, 'I'm still getting over that head injury.'
'Uh huh,' Jake said cynically, 'and because of this tragedy you're utterly incapable of sweeping the sidewalk, eh?'
'Give it a rest, man,' Jake said, 'I've been busy.'
'Gotcha,' James said sarcastically, 'and so you're completely incapable of paying the bills, yeah?'
'I've got to go,' Jake said.
Tom coughed politely.
'Hey Jake,' Tom said. 'It seems to me that I haven't seen anybody paying the bills since, like, months ago.'
'Is that a fact,' Jake replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been paying the bills and vacuuming in the last weeks, just for fun?'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Tom said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Jake said.
'What about Pete?' Jake said. 'Why don't you annoy him about getting the mail.'
'Uh, pshaw,' Tom said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I'm too cool to mop the floor!!"'
'Okay, that's offensive,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I'm too cool to throw out your rotting egg rolls!!"'
'Okay, that's seriously offensive,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I'm going through this shit with my partner! I've got a sinus infection!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you trying?' Jake said.
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Tom said. 'taking out the trash, doing the dishes, vacuuming...'
'Pshaw!' Jake said drily. 'I have never seen you do that.'
'Bullshit,' Jake said.
'Bullshit,' Tom said.
'This is so not a good time to talk,' Jake said.
'And I didn't have time to pick up the shit in the dining room the day before yesterday,' Tom said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Leave me alone, pal,' Tom said, 'I'm bipolar.'
'Uh huh,' Jake said with an eye roll, 'and because of this tragedy you're utterly incapable of picking up the shit in the hall, huh?'
'I'm just saying,' Tom said.
'Whatever,' Jake said.
'This is not a good time to talk,' Jake said.
'That's what you said last week,' Tom said.
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Tom said. 'picking up the shit in the dining room, buying new light bulbs, buying new detergent...'
'Ha!' Jake said drily. 'I have never seen you do that.'
'Go easy on me, pal,' Tom said, 'I've got a lot on my mind.'
'Right,' Jake said cynically, 'and that makes you completely incapable of cleaning the toilet, it seems?'
'Give me a break, man,' Tom said, 'I've got a toothache.'
'More like getting high with your girlfriend,' Jake said.
'I don't have time for this,' Tom said.
'And I don't have time to get the mail ,' Jake said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'Bullshit,' Jake said.
'Incredible,' Tom said.
'Back off, man,' Tom said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'I get it,' Jake said viciously, 'and that makes you totally incapable of buying new kleenex, yeah?'
'This is so not a good time to talk,' Jake said.
'And I didn't have time to mop the floor the other day,' Tom said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Tom said.
'And I don't have time to take out the trash ,' Jake said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! My back hurts, can you throw out your boyfriend's rotting curry for me for a several weeks?!"'
'What is this, kindergarten?' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! My neck hurts, can you wash the dish towels for me for a two days?!"'
'What are you, five?' Tom said.
'I've got to go,' Jake said.
Tom coughed politely.
'Uh Jake,' Tom said. 'It seems to me that I haven't seen anybody sweeping the floor ever.'
'Weird,' Jake replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been cleaning the toilet and buying some trash bags a lot recently, just for fun?'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I'm too cool to wash the dish towels!!"'
'Okay, that's seriously offensive,' Jake said.
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' Tom said.
'You never have time for this,' Jake said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Tom said.
'Heard that one before,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! Back off, I can't muck out the fridge, I've got a lot of work to do!!"'
'That's racist,' Jake said.
'Back off, bro,' Tom said, 'I've been busy.'
'I see,' Jake said cynically, 'and because of this tragedy you're utterly incapable of sweeping the floor, apparently?'
'Give it a rest, dude,' Jake said, 'I've got a sinus infection.'
'Right,' Tom said drolly, 'and therefore you're utterly incapable of sweeping the front porch, yeah?'
'Take it easy, pal,' Tom said, 'I don't feel well.'
'Gotcha,' Jake said tightly, 'and because of this tragedy you're totally incapable of throwing out your old curry, hmm?'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! My lung hurts, can you take out the trash for me for a days?!"'
'Just stop,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I think spirits are going to vacuum for me!!"'
'That was uncalled for,' Tom said.
'Fine,' Tom said.
'Bullshit,' Jake said.
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Jake said. 'buying some shampoo, sweeping the sidewalk, vacuuming...'
'Pshaw!' Tom said viciously. 'I have never seen you do that.'
'What about Dave?' Tom said. 'Why don't you annoy him about dusting.'
'Dave was wiping down the microwave last night,' Jake said calmly. 'This is your house, too.'
'Cut me some slack, buddy,' Tom said, 'I've got a headache.'
'More like getting high with your boyfriend,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I'm too cool to dust!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I'm too cool to wash the dish towels!!"'
'What are you, nine?' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I've got a lot on my mind! I'm still getting over that head injury!!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Tom said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Tom said.
'Well it's not like fairies are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Jake said.
'This isn't a good time,' Tom said.
'You never have time for this,' Jake said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Tom said.
'Bullshit,' Jake said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Tom said.
'Heard that one before,' Jake said.
'What about Dave?' Jake said. 'Why don't you ask him about mopping the floor.'
'Dave was sweeping the floor last night,' Tom said. 'I think it's time you pitched in.'
'Take it easy, bro,' Tom said, 'I've got a lot on my mind.'
'I see,' Jake said drolly, 'and that makes you incapable of getting the mail, does it?'
'Can we talk about this later,' Tom said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Jake said.
'I've got to go,' Jake said.
Pete looked serious.
'So Tom,' Pete said. 'It seems like I haven't seen you taking out the trash since, like, months ago.'
'Oh really,' Tom replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been scrubbing the shower and washing the dish towels over the past two hours, out of the goodness of my heart?'
'This isn't a good time,' Tom said.
'You never have time for this,' Pete said.
'Bullshit,' Pete said.
'Incredible,' Tom said.
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Pete said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Tom said.
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Pete said. 'sweeping the floor, cleaning the sink, mucking out the fridge...'
'That's ridiculous,' Tom said with an eye roll, 'you never do shit like that.'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I've got a toothache! I've got a headache!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Pete said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Pete said.
'Heard that one before,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! Give it a rest, I can't wipe down the microwave, I've got a sinus infection!!"'
'What is this, fourth grade?' Tom said.
'Go easy on me, dude,' Pete said, 'I've got a sinus infection.'
'I think you mean wherever it is you go all day and watching shitty Netflix tv shows,' Tom said.
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Pete said. 'wiping down the microwave, getting the mail, getting the mail...'
'More like lounging about,' Tom said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Pete said.
'Well it's not like maids are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Tom said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Tom said.
'Well it's not like invisible janitors are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Pete said.
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Tom said. 'scrubbing the shower, throwing out your friends's moldy egg rolls, washing the dish towels...'
'More like lounging about,' Pete said.
'Give me a break, man,' Pete said, 'I'm bipolar.'
'Uh huh,' Tom said drily, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of buying some Windex, huh?'
'Unbelievable,' Pete said.
'Incredible,' Tom said.
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Pete said. 'doing the dishes, throwing out that dude's bad egg rolls, doing the dishes...'
'More like gone,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! My thigh hurts, can you pay the bills for me for a days?!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Tom said.
'Whatever,' Pete said.
'Incredible,' Tom said.
'What about Jake?' Pete said. 'How about you bug him about cleaning the toilet.'
'Uh, as if,' Tom said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think tiny janitors are going to sweep the front porch for me!!"'
'Okay, that's offensive,' Pete said.
'Lay off, man,' Pete said, 'I've got a sinus infection.'
'Or were you working,' Tom said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Pete said.
'Unbelievable,' Tom said.
'I've got to go,' Tom said.
Pete had something on his mind.
'Hey Dave,' Pete said. 'I couldn't help but notice I haven't seen anybody getting the mail for a long time.'
'Huh,' Dave replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been cleaning off the stovetop and throwing out your friends's bad lasagna in the past several weeks, just for fun?'
'Incredible,' Dave said.
'Bullshit,' Pete said.
'Whatever,' Pete said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Dave said.
'Give it a rest, dude,' Pete said, 'I'm still getting over that thigh injury.'
'Or were you gone,' Dave said.
'What about James?' Dave said. 'Go and pester him about buying some dryer sheets.'
'James was changing those burned-out lightbulbs last night,' Pete said calmly. 'I think it's time you pitched in.'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I've got a sinus infection! I've got allergies!!"'
'Just stop,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I've got a headache! I've got a headache!!"'
'What are you, two?' Pete said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Dave said.
'Well it's not like fairies are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Pete said.
'Whatever,' Pete said.
'Fine,' Dave said.
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Pete said. 'paying the bills, taking out the trash, cleaning the toilet...'
'You've got to be kidding me!' Dave said. 'I have never seen you do that. Literally.'
'Can we talk about this later,' Pete said.
'Heard that one before,' Dave said.
'What about James?' Pete said. 'Why don't you annoy him about changing those burned-out lightbulbs.'
'James was dusting last week,' Dave said patiently. 'It's your turn.'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think fairies are going to do the dishes for me!!"'
'What is this, fifth grade?' Pete said.
'What about James?' Pete said. 'Why don't you pester him about wiping down the microwave.'
'James was washing the dish towels last night,' Dave said. 'I think it's time you pitched in.'
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Dave said.
'Well it's not like adorable little spirits are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Pete said.
'Go easy on me, bro,' Pete said, 'I'm still getting over that eye injury.'
'Gotcha,' Dave said sarcastically, 'and so you're incapable of cleaning off the stovetop, apparently?'
'What about James?' Pete said. 'Why don't you pester him about cleaning the sink.'
'Uh, okay,' Dave said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'Lay off, dude,' Pete said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'Or were you away,' Dave said.
'What about James?' Dave said. 'Why don't you pester him about throwing out that dude's bad pasta sauce.'
'James was cleaning off the stovetop last night,' Pete said patiently. 'You're overdue to help out.'
'Cut me some slack, pal,' Pete said, 'I've got allergies.'
'I get it,' Dave said cynically, 'and that makes you utterly incapable of changing those burned-out lightbulbs, apparently?'
'Give it a rest, dude,' Pete said, 'I've got allergies.'
'I think you mean out with your boyfriend,' Dave said.
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Pete said. 'mopping the floor, doing the dishes, cleaning the sink...'
'More like gone,' Dave said.
'I've got to go,' Dave said.
Dave looked serious.
'So Pete,' Dave said. 'I noticed I haven't seen you throwing out that dude's rotting take-out ever.'
'Oh really,' Pete replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been cleaning the toilet and cleaning the toilet over the past several weeks, out of the goodness of my heart?'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I think elves are going to clean the toilet for me!!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Dave said.
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to scrub the shower ,' Pete said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'Take it easy, bro,' Pete said, 'I've been busy.'
'I think you mean playing video games all day,' Dave said.
'What about James?' Dave said. 'Go and bug him about doing the dishes.'
'James was getting the mail last night,' Pete said calmly. 'This is your house, too.'
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Dave said. 'cleaning the sink, paying the bills, sweeping the sidewalk...'
'That's ridiculous,' Pete said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'This isn't a good time,' Dave said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think elves are going to sweep the floor for me!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think workers are going to get the mail for me!!"'
'What are you, seven?' Pete said.
'This is so not a good time to talk about this,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to change those burnt-out lightbulbs ,' Pete said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I'm too cool to mop the floor!!"'
'What is this, kindergarten?' Pete said.
'This isn't a good time,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to clean off the stovetop ,' Pete said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I think spirits are going to clean off the stovetop for me!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I'm too cool to throw out that dude's rotting pasta sauce!!"'
'What are you, seven?' Pete said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Pete said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Dave said.
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' Dave said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Pete said.
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Dave said. 'doing the dishes, cleaning off the stovetop, picking up the shit in the dining room...'
'That's ridiculous,' Pete said cynically, 'you never do shit like that.'
'Leave me alone, buddy,' Dave said, 'I'm bipolar.'
'Oh, I see,' Pete said sarcastically, 'and that makes you totally incapable of throwing out your rotting bagels, huh?'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I'm too cool to change those burnt-out lightbulbs!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! Fuck off, I can't pick up the shit in the dining room, I'm going through this shit with my girlfriend!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you trying?' Dave said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Dave said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Pete said.
'I've got to go,' Pete said.
Tom cleared his throat.
'Uh James,' Tom said. 'It seems to me that I haven't seen anyone else picking up the shit in the hall since, like, months ago.'
'Huh,' James replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been getting the mail and sweeping the floor over the past days, as a favor to you all?'
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I'm going through this shit with my friends! I don't feel well!!"'
'What is this, fourth grade?' Tom said.
'I'm too busy for this right now,' James said.
'That's what you said yesterday,' Tom said.
'What about Jake?' James said. 'How about you annoy him about vacuuming.'
'Jake was paying the bills the other day,' Tom said calmly. 'I think it's time you pitched in.'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' James said.
'Well it's not like janitors are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Tom said.
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Tom said. 'sweeping the front porch, throwing out your girlfriend's old chili, taking out the trash...'
'That's ridiculous,' James said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I think miniature (miniature ) spirits are going to buy some toilet paper for me!!"'
'What are you, five?' James said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' James said.
'And I don't have time to take out the trash ,' Tom said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'What about Jake?' Tom said. 'Go and bother him about picking up the shit in the living room.'
'Uh, okay,' James said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! My toe hurts, can you get the mail for me for a few months?!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Tom said.
'Incredible,' Tom said.
'Fine,' James said.
'Leave me alone, pal,' James said, 'I've got a headache.'
'Or were you watching shitty Netflix tv shows,' Tom said.
'Go easy on me, dude,' Tom said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'I think you mean gone,' James said.
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' James said.
'Well it's not like little (tiny ) (miniature ) spirits are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Tom said.
'Can we talk about this later,' James said.
'You never have time for this,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I think cute tiny spirits are going to do the dishes for me!!"'
'That was uncalled for,' Tom said.
'Leave me alone, pal,' Tom said, 'I've got allergies.'
'More like playing video games all day,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! Give me a break, I can't dust, I have to work for a living!!"'
'That's racist,' James said.
'Cut me some slack, man,' Tom said, 'I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel.'
'Or were you getting high with your partner,' James said.
'What about Jake?' James said. 'Go and bug him about wiping down the microwave.'
'Uh, sure,' Tom said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'Yeah, whatever,' Tom said.
'Yeah, whatever,' James said.
'I've got to go,' James said.
Tom coughed politely.
'Hey Dave,' Tom said. 'It seems like I haven't seen you cleaning the sink in recent memory.'
'Yeah,' Dave replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been mopping the floor and buying new detergent in the past several hours, just for fun?'
'Fine,' Tom said.
'Unbelievable,' Dave said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Tom said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Dave said.
'Lay off, buddy,' Tom said, 'I've got a sinus infection.'
'Oh, I see,' Dave said with an eye roll, 'and that makes you incapable of cleaning the toilet, it seems?'
'Leave me alone, dude,' Tom said, 'I've got a headache.'
'Gotcha,' Dave said sarcastically, 'and that makes you utterly incapable of doing the dishes, apparently?'
'Bullshit,' Dave said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Tom said.
'What about Pete?' Dave said. 'Go and irritate him about scrubbing the shower.'
'Uh, sure,' Tom said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'Cut me some slack, dude,' Dave said, 'I don't feel well.'
'I think you mean out with your friends,' Tom said.
'Go easy on me, man,' Dave said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'Oh, I see,' Tom said drily, 'and therefore you're utterly incapable of buying some kleenex, apparently?'
'Unbelievable,' Tom said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Dave said.
'I'm just saying,' Dave said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Tom said.
'Cut me some slack, dude,' Dave said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'Oh, I see,' Tom said sarcastically, 'and that makes you incapable of vacuuming, huh?'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel! I've got a lot of work to do!!"'
'What are you, nine?' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I've got a lot on my mind! I'm going through this shit with my partner!!"'
'What are you, nine?' Dave said.
'This is not a good time to talk about this,' Dave said.
'Well it's not like invisible maids are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Tom said.
'What about Pete?' Tom said. 'How about you irritate him about dusting.'
'Pete was cleaning off the stovetop last night,' Dave said good-naturedly. 'This is your house, too.'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! Back off, I can't take out the trash, I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Dave said.
'Go easy on me, bro,' Dave said, 'I've got a headache.'
'Don't you mean lounging about,' Tom said.
'What about Pete?' Tom said. 'How about you ask him about dusting.'
'Uh, as if,' Dave said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Tom said. 'washing the dish towels, vacuuming, taking out the trash...'
'Bullshit!' Dave said. 'I have never seen you do that.'
'I so don't have time for this right now,' Dave said.
'And I didn't have time to clean the toilet yesterday,' Tom said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Unbelievable,' Tom said.
'Fine,' Dave said.
'Take it easy, bro,' Dave said, 'I've got a toothache.'
'Oh, I see,' Tom said sarcastically, 'and that makes you incapable of throwing out your boyfriend's moldy take-out, huh?'
'Yeah, whatever,' Tom said.
'Whatever,' Dave said.
'Give me a break, dude,' Tom said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'I get it,' Dave said with an eye roll, 'and that makes you completely incapable of changing those burned-out lightbulbs, yeah?'
'Whatever,' Tom said.
'I'm just saying,' Dave said.
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Tom said. 'mopping the floor, throwing out your boyfriend's old eggplants, picking up the shit in the living room...'
'That's ridiculous,' Dave said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Dave said. 'mucking out the fridge, scrubbing the shower, vacuuming...'
'More like playing video games all day,' Tom said.
'What about Pete?' Tom said. 'How about you annoy him about doing the dishes.'
'Uh, sure,' Dave said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I'm too cool to wash the dish towels!!"'
'That's racist,' Tom said.
'I so don't have time for this,' Dave said.
'Heard that one before,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I think leprechauns are going to sweep the kitchen floor for me!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you literally trying?' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! My head hurts, can you vacuum for me for a days?!"'
'What is this, first grade?' Tom said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Dave said.
'Heard that one before,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I think little elves are going to vacuum for me!!"'
'What is this, fifth grade?' Tom said.
'I've got to go,' Dave said.
Tom frowned.
'Uh Pete,' Tom said. 'It seems like I haven't seen anyone else sweeping the floor lately.'
'How fascinating,' Pete replied. 'Perhaps you haven't noticed how I've been doing the dishes and buying some light bulbs over the past several months, just for fun?'
'Back off, buddy,' Tom said, 'I've got a lot of work to do.'
'Or were you lounging about,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I'm too cool to pay the bills!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you literally trying?' Tom said.
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Tom said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Pete said.
'Fuck off, pal,' Pete said, 'I've got a lot of work to do.'
'Or were you out drinking,' Tom said.
'What about Jake?' Tom said. 'Go and annoy him about throwing out that dude's old pasta sauce.'
'Jake was washing the dish towels the day before yesterday,' Pete said good-naturedly. 'It's your responsibility.'
'This isn't a good time,' Pete said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Tom said.
'Fine,' Pete said.
'Whatever,' Tom said.
'What about Jake?' Tom said. 'How about you pester him about dusting.'
'Jake was dusting this morning,' Pete said. 'You're overdue to help out.'
'What about Jake?' Pete said. 'Why don't you ask him about cleaning the toilet.'
'Jake was sweeping the sidewalk this morning,' Tom said good-naturedly. 'It's your responsibility.'
'Whatever,' Tom said.
'Whatever,' Pete said.
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Pete said. 'mopping the floor, taking out the trash, wiping down the microwave...'
'That's ridiculous,' Tom said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think fairies are going to sweep the patio for me!!"'
'Just stop,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I've been busy! I'm still getting over that neck injury!!"'
'What is this, fifth grade?' Pete said.
'Leave me alone, bro,' Pete said, 'I've got allergies.'
'More like out drinking,' Tom said.
'This is so not a good time to talk,' Tom said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Pete said.
'Cut me some slack, bro,' Pete said, 'My head hurts.'
'Uh huh,' Tom said viciously, 'and that makes you totally incapable of taking out the trash, hmm?'
'I've got to go,' Pete said.
James cleared his throat.
'Uh Dave,' James said. 'I see I haven't seen you paying the bills for a long time.'
'Is that right,' Dave replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been doing the dishes and cleaning off the stovetop in the last several weeks, without asking for any credit?'
'This is not a good time to talk,' James said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Dave said.
'What about Jake?' Dave said. 'Why don't you bug him about picking up the shit in the living room.'
'Jake was getting the mail this morning,' James said good-naturedly. 'I think it's time you pitched in.'
'I'm too busy for this right now,' James said.
'And I didn't have time to pick up the shit in the garage yesterday,' Dave said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Give it a rest, pal,' Dave said, 'My cat is depressed.'
'You mean looking at porn,' James said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' James said.
'And I don't have time to wipe down the microwave ,' Dave said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'Fuck off, man,' James said, 'I've been busy.'
'Don't you mean at school,' Dave said.
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Dave said. 'sweeping the floor, vacuuming, getting the mail...'
'That's ridiculous,' James said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Dave said. 'cleaning the sink, getting the mail, picking up the shit in the garage...'
'More like getting high with your girlfriend,' James said.
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' James said.
'Heard that one before,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I've got more important things to worry about! I've got a toothache!!"'
'That's racist,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! My hamster is depressed! I'm still getting over that foot injury!!"'
'What is this, second grade?' Dave said.
'Leave me alone, dude,' James said, 'I'm still getting over that back injury.'
'Or were you out with your girlfriend and at school,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! My back hurts, can you change those burnt-out lightbulbs for me for a several days?!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' James said.
'Cut me some slack, dude,' James said, 'I've got allergies.'
'Uh huh,' Dave said drolly, 'and therefore you're utterly incapable of scrubbing the shower, yeah?'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Dave said.
'Well it's not like fairies are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I think little fairies are going to muck out the fridge for me!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you literally trying?' Dave said.
'What about Jake?' James said. 'How about you pester him about paying the bills.'
'Jake was cleaning the toilet last week,' Dave said. 'It's your turn.'
'I've got to go,' Dave said.
Pete frowned.
'Hey James,' Pete said. 'I see I haven't seen anyone taking out the trash for a while.'
'How fascinating,' James replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been doing the dishes and getting the mail while you've been watching shitty Netflix tv shows, out of the goodness of my heart?'
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Pete said. 'cleaning off the stovetop, sweeping the patio, sweeping the floor...'
'More like working,' James said.
'I don't have time for this,' Pete said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' James said.
'What about Jake?' Pete said. 'How about you ask him about sweeping the patio.'
'Jake was paying the bills last night,' James said patiently. 'You're overdue to help out.'
'Give it a rest, pal,' Pete said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'Oh, I see,' James said drolly, 'and so you're totally incapable of sweeping the kitchen floor, hmm?'
'Fuck off, bro,' Pete said, 'I've got allergies.'
'Right,' James said tightly, 'and because of this tragedy you're utterly incapable of sweeping out the garage, hmm?'
'Give it a rest, man,' Pete said, 'I've been busy.'
'I think you mean out with your boyfriend and working,' James said.
'Cut me some slack, dude,' Pete said, 'I've got a headache.'
'Gotcha,' James said viciously, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of taking out the trash, it seems?'
'What about Jake?' Pete said. 'Why don't you annoy him about vacuuming.'
'Uh, yeah right,' James said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'Lay off, pal,' Pete said, 'I've got a lot of work to do.'
'Oh, I see,' James said cynically, 'and therefore you're utterly incapable of changing those burned-out lightbulbs, eh?'
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Pete said. 'mucking out the fridge, sweeping the sidewalk, taking out the trash...'
'Pshaw!' James said. 'I have never seen you do that. Literally.'
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' James said. 'scrubbing the shower, scrubbing the shower, buying some light bulbs...'
'Ha!' Pete said drolly. 'I have literally never seen you do that.'
'Unbelievable,' James said.
'I'm just saying,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I think tiny workers are going to clean the sink for me!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' James said.
'Cut me some slack, pal,' James said, 'I've got a lot on my mind.'
'Uh huh,' Pete said tightly, 'and therefore you're completely incapable of cleaning the toilet, apparently?'
'This isn't a good time,' Pete said.
'You never have time for this,' James said.
'Give it a rest, pal,' James said, 'I'm still getting over that ear injury.'
'I get it,' Pete said drolly, 'and therefore you're incapable of getting the mail, huh?'
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Pete said. 'washing the dish towels, vacuuming, changing those burned-out lightbulbs...'
'More like away,' James said.
'Unbelievable,' James said.
'Incredible,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! Give me a break, I can't mop the floor, I've got more important things to worry about!!"'
'That was uncalled for,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! Give me a break, I can't pick up the shit in the garage, I'm trying to quit smoking!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' James said.
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Pete said. 'washing the dish towels, scrubbing the shower, paying the bills...'
'Pshaw!' James said drily. 'I have literally never seen you do that. Literally.'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! My toe hurts, can you mop the floor for me for a several hours?!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you literally trying?' James said.
'Lay off, buddy,' Pete said, 'I don't feel well.'
'Oh, I see,' James said drolly, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of paying the bills, huh?'
'What about Jake?' James said. 'How about you pester him about throwing out that dude's moldy take-out.'
'Uh, okay,' Pete said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'Lay off, bro,' Pete said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'Right,' James said drolly, 'and that makes you incapable of wiping down the microwave, does it?'
'Fine,' James said.
'Whatever,' Pete said.
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Pete said. 'scrubbing the shower, changing those burned-out lightbulbs, picking up the shit in the hall...'
'Pshaw!' James said. 'I have never seen you do that. Never.'
'I'm just saying,' Pete said.
'I'm just saying,' James said.
'What about Jake?' James said. 'Go and pester him about vacuuming.'
'Uh, okay,' Pete said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'Can we talk about this later,' James said.
'And I don't have time to buy some stamps ,' Pete said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Pete said.
'That's what you said this morning,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I think invisible (pink precious miniature (invisible ) ) janitors are going to change those burnt-out lightbulbs for me!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! Take it easy, I can't wipe down the microwave, I've been busy!!"'
'Okay, that's offensive,' Pete said.
'Leave me alone, pal,' Pete said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'I think you mean playing video games all day,' James said.
'Give it a rest, bro,' Pete said, 'I've got a sinus infection.'
'You mean watching shitty Netflix tv shows,' James said.
'I've got to go,' James said.
Tom looked serious.
'Uh Dave,' Tom said. 'I see I haven't seen anybody washing the dish towels ever.'
'How interesting,' Dave replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been washing the dish towels and sweeping out the garage in the past hours, just for fun?'
'Incredible,' Tom said.
'Unbelievable,' Dave said.
'I'm just saying,' Tom said.
'Whatever,' Dave said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to pick up the shit in the hall ,' Tom said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! My leg hurts, can you get the mail for me for a two days?!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Tom said.
'This isn't a good time,' Dave said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Tom said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Tom said.
'Well it's not like unicorns are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Dave said.
'Cut me some slack, man,' Dave said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'I get it,' Tom said sarcastically, 'and that makes you utterly incapable of paying the bills, hmm?'
'This isn't a good time,' Dave said.
'That's what you said this morning,' Tom said.
'Give it a rest, dude,' Tom said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'I think you mean gone and away,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! Take it easy, I can't mop the floor, I've been busy!!"'
'What are you, three?' Tom said.
'Cut me some slack, man,' Tom said, 'I've got a toothache.'
'I see,' Dave said cynically, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of sweeping the patio, yeah?'
'Cut me some slack, bro,' Tom said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'Gotcha,' Dave said drily, 'and so you're utterly incapable of picking up the shit in the living room, huh?'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I think little workers are going to sweep the front porch for me!!"'
'That's racist,' Dave said.
'This is not a good time to talk,' Tom said.
'Well it's not like workers are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Dave said.
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Tom said. 'mopping the floor, doing the dishes, cleaning the toilet...'
'That's ridiculous,' Dave said cynically, 'you never do shit like that.'
'What about Pete?' Dave said. 'How about you bother him about throwing out your boyfriend's old burritos.'
'Pete was getting the mail yesterday,' Tom said patiently. 'How about you take a shift.'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I'm too cool to wipe down the microwave!!"'
'What are you, seven?' Dave said.
'Lay off, buddy,' Tom said, 'I've got a sinus infection.'
'I see,' Dave said with an eye roll, 'and so you're utterly incapable of mopping the floor, eh?'
'I've got to go,' Dave said.
Jake frowned.
'So Dave,' Jake said. 'I couldn't help but notice I haven't seen you getting the mail since, like, months ago.'
'Weird,' Dave replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been doing the dishes and mopping the floor in the past hours, without asking for any credit?'
'Give me a break, man,' Jake said, 'I've got a headache.'
'Oh, I see,' Dave said with an eye roll, 'and therefore you're utterly incapable of throwing out your girlfriend's bad bagels, eh?'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I'm too cool to clean off the stovetop!!"'
'What are you, four?' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! My foot hurts, can you buy new kleenex for me for a several weeks?!"'
'That was uncalled for,' Dave said.
'What about James?' Jake said. 'Go and pester him about cleaning the sink.'
'Uh, yeah right,' Dave said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I think miniature (tiny (pink invisible ) ) unicorns are going to clean off the stovetop for me!!"'
'That's racist,' Dave said.
'Lay off, pal,' Dave said, 'I've got a lot of work to do.'
'Or were you wherever it is you go all day,' Jake said.
'This isn't a good time,' Dave said.
'That's what you said this morning,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I'm too cool to dust!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you trying?' Dave said.
'Give me a break, bro,' Jake said, 'I've been busy.'
'Uh huh,' Dave said with an eye roll, 'and therefore you're utterly incapable of mucking out the fridge, yeah?'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! My calf hurts, can you get the mail for me for a few hours?!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Dave said.
'What about James?' Dave said. 'Why don't you bug him about sweeping the back porch.'
'Uh, okay,' Jake said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'What about James?' Jake said. 'How about you pester him about changing those burned-out lightbulbs.'
'James was cleaning off the stovetop the day before yesterday,' Dave said patiently. 'It's your responsibility.'
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Jake said. 'getting the mail, changing those burned-out lightbulbs, scrubbing the shower...'
'Pshaw!' Dave said. 'I have never seen you do that. Never.'
'Take it easy, buddy,' Jake said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'Or were you lounging about,' Dave said.
'Back off, dude,' Dave said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'Gotcha,' Jake said cynically, 'and so you're incapable of scrubbing the shower, it seems?'
'Fuck off, pal,' Jake said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'I think you mean at work,' Dave said.
'Leave me alone, pal,' Jake said, 'My cat is depressed.'
'Don't you mean playing video games all day,' Dave said.
'What about James?' Dave said. 'Why don't you pester him about cleaning off the stovetop.'
'Uh, as if,' Jake said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Jake said. 'sweeping the floor, scrubbing the shower, mopping the floor...'
'You've got to be kidding me!' Dave said tightly. 'I have never seen you do that.'
'Go easy on me, dude,' Jake said, 'I've got a lot on my mind.'
'Don't you mean at work,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! Leave me alone, I can't sweep the floor, I think I'm coming down with something!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Dave said.
'Lay off, bro,' Jake said, 'I'm going through this shit with my boyfriend.'
'Or were you looking at porn,' Dave said.
'This isn't a good time,' Dave said.
'That's what you said yesterday,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! My thigh hurts, can you scrub the shower for me for a days?!"'
'Okay, that's offensive,' Dave said.
'What about James?' Jake said. 'Go and pester him about getting the mail.'
'Uh, okay,' Dave said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'Fuck off, man,' Jake said, 'I've got allergies.'
'Right,' Dave said cynically, 'and because of this tragedy you're totally incapable of throwing out that dude's rotting leftovers, apparently?'
'Take it easy, buddy,' Jake said, 'I've got a sinus infection.'
'More like lounging about,' Dave said.
'I've got to go,' Dave said.
Dave frowned.
'Hey Jake,' Dave said. 'I noticed I haven't seen anyone else sweeping the patio for a long time.'
'How fascinating,' Jake replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been changing those burned-out lightbulbs and doing the dishes in the past couple of days, just for fun?'
'This isn't a good time,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to sweep the floor ,' Jake said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! My toe hurts, can you clean off the stovetop for me for a several weeks?!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Jake said.
'Give it a rest, man,' Jake said, 'I've got a toothache.'
'Don't you mean away,' Dave said.
'What about James?' Dave said. 'Go and irritate him about washing the dish towels.'
'James was taking out the trash the day before yesterday,' Jake said calmly. 'I think it's time you pitched in.'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I'm too cool to take out the trash!!"'
'What are you, five?' Dave said.
'Take it easy, bro,' Dave said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'Don't you mean out with your partner,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I'm too cool to sweep the floor!!"'
'What are you, eight?' Jake said.
'I don't have time for this right now,' Dave said.
'Well it's not like tiny spirits are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Jake said.
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Dave said. 'doing the dishes, getting the mail, throwing out your bad lasagna...'
'Ha!' Jake said. 'I have literally never seen you do that. Literally.'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I think fairies are going to change those burnt-out lightbulbs for me!!"'
'What are you, four?' Jake said.
'This is so not a good time to talk,' Jake said.
'That's what you said this morning,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I've got more important things to worry about! I've got more important things to worry about!!"'
'Okay, that's seriously offensive,' Jake said.
'This isn't a good time,' Dave said.
'And I didn't have time to throw out your boyfriend's bad sushi the day before yesterday,' Jake said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'I've got to go,' Jake said.
Dave frowned.
'So Pete,' Dave said. 'I noticed I haven't seen anyone mucking out the fridge for a long time.'
'How fascinating,' Pete replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been mopping the floor and cleaning the toilet over the past days, out of the goodness of my heart?'
'Can we talk about this later,' Pete said.
'You never have time for this,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I've got a migraine! I've got a toothache!!"'
'Okay, that's seriously offensive,' Pete said.
'This is so not a good time to talk about this,' Dave said.
'Heard that one before,' Pete said.
'Back off, pal,' Dave said, 'I've been busy.'
'More like watching shitty Netflix tv shows,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I've got a sinus infection! I've been busy!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you trying?' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think leprechauns are going to pay the bills for me!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you trying?' Pete said.
'Go easy on me, dude,' Pete said, 'I've got a headache.'
'Oh, I see,' Dave said tightly, 'and so you're utterly incapable of doing the dishes, hmm?'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I'm too cool to buy new kleenex!!"'
'What is this, fifth grade?' Pete said.
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Dave said. 'scrubbing the shower, getting the mail, cleaning off the stovetop...'
'That's ridiculous,' Pete said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'Lay off, buddy,' Dave said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'Gotcha,' Pete said viciously, 'and therefore you're incapable of sweeping the back porch, yeah?'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! My arm hurts, can you buy new bathroom soap for me for a two hours?!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Dave said.
'Unbelievable,' Dave said.
'Whatever,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I think workers are going to take out the trash for me!!"'
'What is this, junior high?' Dave said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Dave said.
'You never have time for this,' Pete said.
'What about Tom?' Dave said. 'Go and bug him about vacuuming.'
'Uh, yeah right,' Pete said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I think leprechauns are going to pay the bills for me!!"'
'What is this, kindergarten?' Dave said.
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Dave said. 'buying new kleenex, scrubbing the shower, scrubbing the shower...'
'That's ridiculous,' Pete said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'What about Tom?' Dave said. 'How about you irritate him about throwing out that dude's bad sushi.'
'Tom was changing those burned-out lightbulbs this morning,' Pete said calmly. 'This is your house, too.'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I'm too cool to mop the floor!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Dave said.
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Pete said. 'doing the dishes, washing the dish towels, cleaning the sink...'
'More like watching shitty Netflix tv shows,' Dave said.
'Take it easy, bro,' Dave said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'Uh huh,' Pete said with an eye roll, 'and therefore you're totally incapable of sweeping the floor, it seems?'
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Dave said. 'taking out the trash, sweeping the kitchen floor, wiping down the microwave...'
'Bullshit!' Pete said. 'I have literally never seen you do that. Never.'
'Leave me alone, buddy,' Pete said, 'I've got allergies.'
'Uh huh,' Dave said drily, 'and so you're incapable of mucking out the fridge, it seems?'
'Incredible,' Dave said.
'Incredible,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I've got allergies! I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Dave said.
'Cut me some slack, pal,' Dave said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'Uh huh,' Pete said tightly, 'and so you're incapable of taking out the trash, it seems?'
'I've got to go,' Pete said.
Pete frowned.
'Hey Dave,' Pete said. 'I couldn't help but notice I haven't seen anyone else mopping the floor lately.'
'Interesting,' Dave replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been mopping the floor and washing the dish towels while you've been hitting the clubs, as a favor to you all?'
'I so don't have time for this,' Pete said.
'And I didn't have time to wash the dish towels last night,' Dave said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Whatever,' Pete said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Dave said.
'This isn't a good time,' Pete said.
'And I didn't have time to clean the sink the day before yesterday,' Dave said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I think workers are going to vacuum for me!!"'
'Just stop,' Dave said.
'Bullshit,' Pete said.
'Fine,' Dave said.
'What about Tom?' Pete said. 'How about you bother him about taking out the trash.'
'Uh, sure,' Dave said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'Yeah, whatever,' Dave said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Pete said.
'Leave me alone, pal,' Pete said, 'My back hurts.'
'Oh, I see,' Dave said drily, 'and so you're incapable of getting the mail, apparently?'
'Fine,' Pete said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! Back off, I can't dust, I have to work for a living!!"'
'What is this, first grade?' Pete said.
'Fuck off, buddy,' Pete said, 'I've got allergies.'
'Oh, I see,' Dave said viciously, 'and so you're incapable of changing those burned-out lightbulbs, hmm?'
'This isn't a good time,' Pete said.
'And I don't have time to dust ,' Dave said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'What about Tom?' Dave said. 'Why don't you ask him about getting the mail.'
'Uh, as if,' Pete said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'I'm just saying,' Pete said.
'Unbelievable,' Dave said.
'What about Tom?' Pete said. 'Why don't you bug him about scrubbing the shower.'
'Tom was taking out the trash yesterday,' Dave said. 'I think it's time you pitched in.'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! Give me a break, I can't sweep the patio, I have to work for a living!!"'
'That was uncalled for,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think workers are going to wipe down the microwave for me!!"'
'Just stop,' Pete said.
'This isn't a good time,' Pete said.
'Heard that one before,' Dave said.
'I've got to go,' Dave said.
Pete looked serious.
'So Jake,' Pete said. 'I see I haven't seen you sweeping the front porch in recent memory.'
'Interesting,' Jake replied. 'Perhaps you haven't noticed how I've been scrubbing the shower and cleaning the sink in the last few weeks, out of the goodness of my heart?'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I think unicorns are going to sweep out the garage for me!!"'
'That's racist,' Jake said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Pete said.
'That's what you said yesterday,' Jake said.
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' Jake said.
'Well it's not like tiny janitors are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Pete said.
'Whatever,' Pete said.
'Whatever,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I'm too cool to mop the floor!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Jake said.
'Give me a break, man,' Jake said, 'I've got a lot on my mind.'
'Or were you wherever it is you go all day,' Pete said.
'What about Tom?' Jake said. 'How about you ask him about picking up the shit in the dining room.'
'Uh, sure,' Pete said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Pete said. 'washing the dish towels, mopping the floor, dusting...'
'That's ridiculous,' Jake said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'What about Tom?' Pete said. 'Go and bother him about cleaning off the stovetop.'
'Uh, whatever,' Jake said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'Give me a break, bro,' Pete said, 'I've got a lot of work to do.'
'Uh huh,' Jake said viciously, 'and because of this tragedy you're totally incapable of paying the bills, yeah?'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Jake said.
'You never have time for this,' Pete said.
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Jake said. 'picking up the shit in the hall, mucking out the fridge, paying the bills...'
'Bullshit!' Pete said cynically. 'I have literally never seen you do that.'
'Leave me alone, man,' Pete said, 'I've got a headache.'
'Oh, I see,' Jake said cynically, 'and that makes you incapable of getting the mail, huh?'
'Fuck off, dude,' Jake said, 'I've got a sinus infection.'
'I think you mean watching cat videos,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I think spirits are going to buy some dryer sheets for me!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Jake said.
'I'm just saying,' Pete said.
'Fine,' Jake said.
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Pete said. 'throwing out your girlfriend's rotting curry, sweeping the back porch, scrubbing the shower...'
'That's ridiculous,' Jake said drily, 'you never do shit like that.'
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Pete said. 'wiping down the microwave, cleaning the sink, doing the dishes...'
'That's ridiculous,' Jake said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'Can we talk about this later,' Jake said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Pete said.
'Take it easy, buddy,' Pete said, 'I've got a lot on my mind.'
'More like getting high with your partner,' Jake said.
'I so don't have time for this right now,' Pete said.
'You never have time for this,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I'm too cool to clean off the stovetop!!"'
'What is this, first grade?' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! My foot hurts, can you pay the bills for me for a weeks?!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Pete said.
'Back off, buddy,' Jake said, 'I'm still getting over that toe injury.'
'Right,' Pete said drily, 'and that makes you completely incapable of sweeping out the garage, hmm?'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think invisible maids are going to wash the dish towels for me!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Pete said.
'What about Tom?' Jake said. 'Why don't you ask him about sweeping the floor.'
'Uh, okay,' Pete said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'Incredible,' Pete said.
'Bullshit,' Jake said.
'Lay off, buddy,' Pete said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'You mean out drinking,' Jake said.
'I've got to go,' Jake said.
Tom looked serious.
'Hey Pete,' Tom said. 'It seems like I haven't seen you doing the dishes since, like, months ago.'
'Is that a fact,' Pete replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been mopping the floor and getting the mail today, as a favor to you all?'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Tom said.
'That's what you said last week,' Pete said.
'Bullshit,' Tom said.
'Bullshit,' Pete said.
'What about James?' Tom said. 'How about you irritate him about cleaning the sink.'
'Uh, okay,' Pete said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'Lay off, buddy,' Pete said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'Uh huh,' Tom said cynically, 'and therefore you're utterly incapable of mopping the floor, huh?'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Tom said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Pete said.
'Back off, bro,' Tom said, 'I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel.'
'Oh, I see,' Pete said with an eye roll, 'and that makes you completely incapable of cleaning the sink, yeah?'
'Give me a break, buddy,' Tom said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'More like out with your boyfriend,' Pete said.
'Lay off, man,' Pete said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'Don't you mean gone,' Tom said.
'Go easy on me, buddy,' Pete said, 'I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel.'
'Or were you at work and looking at porn,' Tom said.
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Pete said. 'taking out the trash, doing the dishes, taking out the trash...'
'That's ridiculous,' Tom said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'This isn't a good time,' Tom said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I think miniature (tiny ) unicorns are going to pay the bills for me!!"'
'What is this, second grade?' Tom said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Tom said.
'Heard that one before,' Pete said.
'What about James?' Tom said. 'Why don't you annoy him about wiping down the microwave.'
'Uh, as if,' Pete said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Tom said. 'wiping down the microwave, picking up the shit in the garage, taking out the trash...'
'More like playing video games all day,' Pete said.
'Leave me alone, bro,' Pete said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'Or were you playing video games all day,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I'm trying to quit smoking! I've got a toothache!!"'
'What is this, fifth grade?' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I'm too cool to mop the floor!!"'
'What is this, junior high?' Tom said.
'I've got to go,' Pete said.
Dave cleared his throat.
'Uh Jake,' Dave said. 'I noticed I haven't seen anybody wiping down the microwave lately.'
'How interesting,' Jake replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been picking up the shit in the dining room and washing the dish towels in the past several hours, without asking for any credit?'
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Jake said. 'paying the bills, mucking out the fridge, wiping down the microwave...'
'That's ridiculous,' Dave said drily, 'you never do shit like that.'
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Dave said. 'mucking out the fridge, mucking out the fridge, doing the dishes...'
'Pshaw!' Jake said with an eye roll. 'I have literally never seen you do that. Never.'
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Dave said. 'buying some detergent, changing those burned-out lightbulbs, dusting...'
'Pshaw!' Jake said with an eye roll. 'I have never seen you do that. Literally.'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! My thigh hurts, can you clean the sink for me for a months?!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Dave said.
'Take it easy, bro,' Dave said, 'My cat is depressed.'
'I get it,' Jake said cynically, 'and therefore you're utterly incapable of washing the dish towels, yeah?'
'Back off, man,' Dave said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'I see,' Jake said viciously, 'and that makes you utterly incapable of cleaning off the stovetop, does it?'
'Go easy on me, dude,' Dave said, 'I'm still getting over that hand injury.'
'I see,' Jake said drolly, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of getting the mail, hmm?'
'Yeah, whatever,' Jake said.
'Incredible,' Dave said.
'This is not a good time to talk,' Dave said.
'That's what you said this morning,' Jake said.
'This isn't a good time,' Dave said.
'Well it's not like invisible fairies are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Jake said.
'I'm just saying,' Dave said.
'Whatever,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I'm going through this shit with my friends! I've got allergies!!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Dave said.
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Jake said.
'And I didn't have time to take out the trash last week,' Dave said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I've been busy! I've got a headache!!"'
'What are you, nine?' Dave said.
'Give me a break, man,' Jake said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'You mean getting high with your friends,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I'm too cool to change those burnt-out lightbulbs!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Jake said.
'Bullshit,' Dave said.
'Whatever,' Jake said.
'Take it easy, bro,' Dave said, 'I'm going through this shit with my boyfriend.'
'More like getting high with your boyfriend,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I'm too cool to get the mail!!"'
'Just stop,' Dave said.
'I've got to go,' Jake said.
Dave frowned.
'Uh Tom,' Dave said. 'It seems to me that I haven't seen anyone else cleaning the toilet in a while.'
'Weird,' Tom replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been cleaning off the stovetop and sweeping the floor over the past few weeks, out of the goodness of my heart?'
'Leave me alone, man,' Tom said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'You mean gone,' Dave said.
'I don't have time for this right now,' Tom said.
'Well it's not like fairies are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Dave said.
'Fuck off, man,' Tom said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'Right,' Dave said tightly, 'and so you're incapable of cleaning the sink, it seems?'
'What about Jake?' Tom said. 'Go and annoy him about sweeping the back porch.'
'Jake was getting the mail the day before yesterday,' Dave said patiently. 'I think it's time you pitched in.'
'I don't have time for this,' Dave said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Tom said.
'I don't have time for this right now,' Tom said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Dave said.
'This isn't a good time,' Dave said.
'And I didn't have time to clean off the stovetop this morning,' Tom said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'This isn't a good time,' Tom said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Dave said.
'What about Jake?' Tom said. 'Go and pester him about vacuuming.'
'Uh, pshaw,' Dave said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'What about Jake?' Dave said. 'How about you bother him about taking out the trash.'
'Uh, pshaw,' Tom said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I think maids are going to pick up the shit in the garage for me!!"'
'What is this, fifth grade?' Tom said.
'Bullshit,' Dave said.
'Fine,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I think unicorns are going to dust for me!!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Tom said.
'Lay off, dude,' Dave said, 'I've got a lot of work to do.'
'Gotcha,' Tom said cynically, 'and because of this tragedy you're utterly incapable of wiping down the microwave, apparently?'
'I've got to go,' Tom said.
James frowned.
'So Tom,' James said. 'It seems like I haven't seen anyone cleaning the sink since, like, months ago.'
'Is that a fact,' Tom replied. 'Perhaps you haven't noticed how I've been getting the mail and getting the mail today, as a favor to you all?'
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I think miniature leprechauns are going to take out the trash for me!!"'
'What are you, three?' Tom said.
'I'm too busy for this right now,' James said.
'And I didn't have time to clean the sink last night,' Tom said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Bullshit,' James said.
'Whatever,' Tom said.
'Can we talk about this later,' James said.
'You never have time for this,' Tom said.
'Leave me alone, pal,' James said, 'I've got allergies.'
'More like at school,' Tom said.
'I don't have time for this right now,' James said.
'And I didn't have time to mop the floor this morning,' Tom said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Can we talk about this later,' James said.
'And I don't have time to pay the bills ,' Tom said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'Give it a rest, pal,' James said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'Don't you mean away,' Tom said.
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' James said. 'sweeping the patio, paying the bills, getting the mail...'
'More like at school,' Tom said.
'Fuck off, man,' James said, 'I've got a headache.'
'More like hitting the clubs,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! Fuck off, I can't get the mail, I've got a migraine!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you trying?' James said.
'What about Jake?' James said. 'How about you annoy him about getting the mail.'
'Uh, as if,' Tom said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I'm too cool to vacuum!!"'
'Just stop,' Tom said.
'Leave me alone, man,' James said, 'My cat is depressed.'
'More like watching shitty Netflix tv shows,' Tom said.
'Take it easy, bro,' James said, 'I've got a headache.'
'Don't you mean watching cat videos and napping till two,' Tom said.
'Lay off, man,' Tom said, 'I'm going through this shit with my friends.'
'You mean watching shitty Netflix tv shows,' James said.
'There's no end to what I do around here?' James said. 'sweeping the floor, changing those burned-out lightbulbs, paying the bills...'
'More like at school,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I'm going through this shit with my boyfriend! I've got allergies!!"'
'What is this, second grade?' Tom said.
'Can we talk about this later,' James said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Tom said.
'I've got to go,' Tom said.
Pete looked serious.
'Uh Tom,' Pete said. 'It seems like I haven't seen anyone else changing those burned-out lightbulbs in recent memory.'
'How interesting,' Tom replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been getting the mail and sweeping the floor in the past hours, without asking for any credit?'
'Whatever,' Pete said.
'Whatever,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think elves are going to throw out your moldy burritos for me!!"'
'What are you, three?' Pete said.
'I so don't have time for this,' Tom said.
'And I don't have time to dust ,' Pete said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! My foot hurts, can you clean off the stovetop for me for a few days?!"'
'Okay, that's seriously offensive,' Tom said.
'This isn't a good time,' Pete said.
'And I didn't have time to change those burnt-out lightbulbs this morning,' Tom said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! My foot hurts, can you wipe down the microwave for me for a days?!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Tom said.
'This isn't a good time,' Pete said.
'And I didn't have time to dust this morning,' Tom said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Cut me some slack, bro,' Tom said, 'I've got a sinus infection.'
'Or were you at school,' Pete said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Tom said.
'And I didn't have time to clean off the stovetop yesterday,' Pete said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Give me a break, man,' Pete said, 'I've got a lot of work to do.'
'I get it,' Tom said viciously, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of mucking out the fridge, apparently?'
'Cut me some slack, pal,' Pete said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'Uh huh,' Tom said cynically, 'and because of this tragedy you're totally incapable of changing those burned-out lightbulbs, huh?'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! My neck hurts, can you clean the sink for me for a few days?!"'
'What are you, seven?' Tom said.
'What about Jake?' Tom said. 'How about you pester him about picking up the shit in the garage.'
'Uh, as if,' Pete said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I think janitors are going to wipe down the microwave for me!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you trying?' Tom said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Tom said.
'Bullshit,' Pete said.
'Take it easy, man,' Tom said, 'I don't feel well.'
'More like hitting the clubs,' Pete said.
'Take it easy, man,' Pete said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'I see,' Tom said cynically, 'and that makes you completely incapable of mopping the floor, huh?'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! My lung hurts, can you clean the sink for me for a few hours?!"'
'What are you, six?' Tom said.
'What about Jake?' Tom said. 'Why don't you irritate him about washing the dish towels.'
'Uh, okay,' Pete said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'Lay off, man,' Pete said, 'I'm going through this shit with my partner.'
'Uh huh,' Tom said tightly, 'and that makes you incapable of buying more light bulbs, huh?'
'Cut me some slack, buddy,' Tom said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'Gotcha,' Pete said cynically, 'and therefore you're utterly incapable of sweeping the floor, yeah?'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Pete said.
'And I don't have time to throw out your girlfriend's rotting take-out ,' Tom said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Pete said. 'cleaning the toilet, dusting, mopping the floor...'
'More like watching shitty Netflix tv shows,' Tom said.
'Back off, dude,' Pete said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'More like lounging about,' Tom said.
'Give me a break, bro,' Pete said, 'I don't feel well.'
'Oh, I see,' Tom said sarcastically, 'and therefore you're incapable of changing those burned-out lightbulbs, huh?'
'This is so not a good time to talk,' Pete said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I'm too cool to clean the sink!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Tom said.
'What about Jake?' Tom said. 'How about you irritate him about scrubbing the shower.'
'Jake was buying some light bulbs last night,' Pete said. 'It's your turn.'
'I've got to go,' Tom said.
Jake cleared his throat.
'So Dave,' Jake said. 'I couldn't help but notice I haven't seen anybody wiping down the microwave ever.'
'Is that right,' Dave replied. 'Perhaps you haven't noticed how I've been cleaning the sink and scrubbing the shower today, because that's what civilized people do?'
'What about James?' Jake said. 'Why don't you pester him about getting the mail.'
'Uh, okay,' Dave said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'Back off, dude,' Jake said, 'My dog is depressed.'
'Or were you working,' Dave said.
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Jake said.
'That's what you said yesterday,' Dave said.
'What about James?' Jake said. 'Why don't you pester him about doing the dishes.'
'James was taking out the trash the day before yesterday,' Dave said patiently. 'It's your responsibility.'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I've got a lot on my mind! I don't feel well!!"'
'What is this, fifth grade?' Dave said.
'This isn't a good time,' Dave said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Jake said.
'What about James?' Jake said. 'How about you annoy him about getting the mail.'
'Uh, yeah right,' Dave said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'I'm just saying,' Jake said.
'Incredible,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I've got a lot on my mind! I've got a lot of work to do!!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Dave said.
'This isn't a good time,' Dave said.
'You never have time for this,' Jake said.
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' Dave said.
'And I didn't have time to throw out your moldy pasta sauce last week,' Jake said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Whatever,' Jake said.
'Unbelievable,' Dave said.
'What about James?' Jake said. 'Go and ask him about throwing out your girlfriend's moldy egg rolls.'
'James was wiping down the microwave yesterday,' Dave said calmly. 'How about you take a shift.'
'Lay off, pal,' Jake said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'I get it,' Dave said tightly, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of picking up the shit in the living room, yeah?'
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Jake said. 'wiping down the microwave, vacuuming, dusting...'
'More like gone,' Dave said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Jake said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Dave said.
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Dave said. 'cleaning off the stovetop, scrubbing the shower, taking out the trash...'
'Ha!' Jake said sarcastically. 'I have never seen you do that. Literally.'
'I've got to go,' Dave said.
Dave had something on his mind.
'Hey Jake,' Dave said. 'I noticed I haven't seen anybody sweeping the floor ever.'
'Interesting,' Jake replied. 'Perhaps you haven't noticed how I've been mucking out the fridge and cleaning off the stovetop over the past hours, out of the goodness of my heart?'
'Lay off, bro,' Dave said, 'I've got a headache.'
'You mean at work,' Jake said.
'Go easy on me, dude,' Dave said, 'I've got a headache.'
'I see,' Jake said tightly, 'and so you're totally incapable of wiping down the microwave, does it?'
'Leave me alone, bro,' Dave said, 'I'm going through this shit with my friends.'
'I think you mean lounging about,' Jake said.
'This isn't a good time,' Jake said.
'And I don't have time to take out the trash ,' Dave said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I'm too cool to throw out your rotting pasta sauce!!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Jake said.
'This isn't a good time,' Dave said.
'And I didn't have time to sweep the floor the day before yesterday,' Jake said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'What about James?' Dave said. 'How about you bother him about doing the dishes.'
'Uh, whatever,' Jake said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'This isn't a good time,' Dave said.
'You never have time for this,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! Give it a rest, I can't get the mail, I've got a toothache!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Jake said.
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Dave said.
'And I didn't have time to take out the trash yesterday,' Jake said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I think miniature workers are going to pay the bills for me!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Jake said.
'Cut me some slack, dude,' Dave said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'You mean working,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! Back off, I can't dust, I'm going through this shit with my boyfriend!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! My cat is depressed! My foot hurts!!"'
'That was uncalled for,' Jake said.
'Cut me some slack, bro,' Dave said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'Don't you mean hitting the clubs,' Jake said.
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Jake said. 'doing the dishes, throwing out that dude's bad bagels, cleaning off the stovetop...'
'That's ridiculous,' Dave said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'What about James?' Jake said. 'Why don't you bug him about wiping down the microwave.'
'James was sweeping the floor the other day,' Dave said calmly. 'I think it's time you pitched in.'
'I so don't have time for this,' Dave said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Jake said.
'I'm just saying,' Dave said.
'Whatever,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I have to work for a living! I've got a migraine!!"'
'What is this, fifth grade?' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I'm too cool to get the mail!!"'
'That's racist,' Jake said.
'I so don't have time for this,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to vacuum ,' Jake said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'What about James?' Dave said. 'Why don't you annoy him about picking up the shit in the hall.'
'Uh, okay,' Jake said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'This is not a good time to talk,' Jake said.
'And I don't have time to sweep the patio ,' Dave said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I'm bipolar! I've been busy!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! My thigh hurts, can you pick up the shit in the hall for me for a days?!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I've got a lot of work to do! I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you literally trying?' Jake said.
'What about James?' Dave said. 'How about you bother him about doing the dishes.'
'Uh, okay,' Jake said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'I don't have time for this right now,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to clean off the stovetop ,' Jake said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Dave said. 'sweeping the floor, cleaning the toilet, washing the dish towels...'
'More like working,' Jake said.
'I've got to go,' Jake said.
Pete looked serious.
'Uh James,' Pete said. 'I see I haven't seen anyone else sweeping the floor in a while.'
'Is that right,' James replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been mucking out the fridge and cleaning the toilet today, without asking for any credit?'
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' James said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I've been busy! I'm trying to quit smoking!!"'
'Okay, that's offensive,' James said.
'Leave me alone, bro,' Pete said, 'I've got a lot on my mind.'
'More like getting high with your partner,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I think unicorns are going to change those burnt-out lightbulbs for me!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' James said.
'Give me a break, bro,' James said, 'I've been busy.'
'Don't you mean lounging about,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I'm too cool to pick up the shit in the dining room!!"'
'That was uncalled for,' James said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Pete said.
'You never have time for this,' James said.
'Go easy on me, bro,' James said, 'I've got a headache.'
'Or were you watching cat videos,' Pete said.
'What about Jake?' Pete said. 'Why don't you irritate him about buying some kleenex.'
'Uh, yeah right,' James said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'Take it easy, buddy,' Pete said, 'I'm going through this shit with my boyfriend.'
'I see,' James said cynically, 'and because of this tragedy you're utterly incapable of cleaning the toilet, yeah?'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I'm too cool to sweep the back porch!!"'
'What is this, third grade?' James said.
'Unbelievable,' James said.
'Unbelievable,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I don't feel well! I've got more important things to worry about!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Pete said.
'I so don't have time for this right now,' Pete said.
'Heard that one before,' James said.
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Pete said. 'mopping the floor, cleaning the sink, throwing out your rotting burritos...'
'Ha!' James said drolly. 'I have literally never seen you do that.'
'Give it a rest, dude,' Pete said, 'I'm still getting over that leg injury.'
'I get it,' James said with an eye roll, 'and so you're incapable of throwing out your girlfriend's moldy curry, yeah?'
'Bullshit,' Pete said.
'Yeah, whatever,' James said.
'Bullshit,' Pete said.
'I'm just saying,' James said.
'Take it easy, dude,' Pete said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'You mean lounging about,' James said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Pete said.
'And I don't have time to buy new shampoo ,' James said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'Cut me some slack, pal,' Pete said, 'My eye hurts.'
'Or were you looking at porn,' James said.
'Leave me alone, pal,' Pete said, 'I'm still getting over that eye injury.'
'I get it,' James said tightly, 'and so you're incapable of mucking out the fridge, does it?'
'This isn't a good time,' Pete said.
'That's what you said yesterday,' James said.
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Pete said. 'getting the mail, wiping down the microwave, buying new detergent...'
'That's ridiculous,' James said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'I've got to go,' James said.
Pete frowned.
'Hey Jake,' Pete said. 'It seems like I haven't seen anyone else sweeping the kitchen floor ever.'
'Interesting,' Jake replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been cleaning off the stovetop and cleaning the sink in the past few days, as a favor to you all?'
'This is so not a good time to talk about this,' Jake said.
'And I don't have time to throw out that dude's old curry ,' Pete said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'Can we talk about this later,' Pete said.
'That's what you said last week,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! Cut me some slack, I can't dust, I've got allergies!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Jake said.
'Give it a rest, bro,' Pete said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'Right,' Jake said viciously, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of getting the mail, it seems?'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I've been busy! I've got allergies!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Jake said.
'Whatever,' Pete said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Jake said.
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Pete said. 'washing the dish towels, changing those burned-out lightbulbs, paying the bills...'
'More like playing video games all day,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I think fairies are going to dust for me!!"'
'What is this, fifth grade?' Jake said.
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' Pete said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! Go easy on me, I can't clean the sink, I've got a lot of work to do!!"'
'What are you, five?' Jake said.
'What about James?' Pete said. 'Why don't you bug him about paying the bills.'
'James was doing the dishes this morning,' Jake said good-naturedly. 'You're overdue to help out.'
'Take it easy, bro,' Pete said, 'I've been busy.'
'Don't you mean wherever it is you go all day and wherever it is you go all day,' Jake said.
'What about James?' Pete said. 'How about you bug him about buying more paper towels.'
'James was changing those burned-out lightbulbs the day before yesterday,' Jake said good-naturedly. 'You're overdue to help out.'
'Can we talk about this later,' Pete said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! Take it easy, I can't wash the dish towels, I'm trying to quit smoking!!"'
'That's racist,' Jake said.
'Lay off, dude,' Jake said, 'I've got allergies.'
'I think you mean watching shitty Netflix tv shows and gone,' Pete said.
'I don't have time for this right now,' Pete said.
'And I didn't have time to throw out your friends's moldy sushi last week,' Jake said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Take it easy, pal,' Jake said, 'I'm bipolar.'
'Gotcha,' Pete said viciously, 'and therefore you're utterly incapable of cleaning the toilet, hmm?'
'I've got to go,' Jake said.
Pete frowned.
'Hey James,' Pete said. 'It seems like I haven't seen anyone else throwing out your boyfriend's rotting sushi since, like, months ago.'
'Is that right,' James replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been throwing out your old burritos and sweeping out the garage over the past couple of hours, out of the goodness of my heart?'
'Bullshit,' Pete said.
'Fine,' James said.
'Cut me some slack, pal,' Pete said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'Uh huh,' James said viciously, 'and therefore you're completely incapable of wiping down the microwave, hmm?'
'I so don't have time for this right now,' Pete said.
'You never have time for this,' James said.
'Give me a break, dude,' James said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'You mean hitting the clubs,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! My ear hurts, can you wipe down the microwave for me for a couple of days?!"'
'What are you, three?' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I have to work for a living! I've got more important things to worry about!!"'
'That was uncalled for,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I think unicorns are going to buy some toilet paper for me!!"'
'What is this, second grade?' James said.
'This isn't a good time,' Pete said.
'You never have time for this,' James said.
'Unbelievable,' Pete said.
'Whatever,' James said.
'Incredible,' Pete said.
'Fine,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I'm too cool to get the mail!!"'
'Okay, that's offensive,' James said.
'What about Jake?' James said. 'How about you irritate him about sweeping out the garage.'
'Uh, as if,' Pete said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Pete said. 'cleaning the toilet, taking out the trash, changing those burned-out lightbulbs...'
'That's ridiculous,' James said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! Give me a break, I can't buy some dish soap, I've got a sinus infection!!"'
'That was uncalled for,' Pete said.
'Give it a rest, man,' James said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'Right,' Pete said sarcastically, 'and therefore you're utterly incapable of paying the bills, does it?'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! My head hurts, can you clean off the stovetop for me for a hours?!"'
'Okay, that's seriously offensive,' James said.
'I don't have time for this right now,' Pete said.
'And I didn't have time to vacuum last night,' James said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'What about Jake?' James said. 'Why don't you irritate him about sweeping the floor.'
'Jake was cleaning off the stovetop the day before yesterday,' Pete said patiently. 'How about you take a shift.'
'Bullshit,' Pete said.
'Unbelievable,' James said.
'I don't have time for this,' James said.
'And I don't have time to pay the bills ,' Pete said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'Give it a rest, man,' Pete said, 'I've got a headache.'
'More like napping till two,' James said.
'Go easy on me, dude,' James said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'Or were you gone,' Pete said.
'What about Jake?' Pete said. 'Go and ask him about changing those burned-out lightbulbs.'
'Uh, pshaw,' James said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I'm too cool to sweep the floor!!"'
'Just stop,' James said.
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Pete said.
'Heard that one before,' James said.
'I'm just saying,' Pete said.
'Bullshit,' James said.
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Pete said. 'picking up the shit in the dining room, getting the mail, wiping down the microwave...'
'More like looking at porn,' James said.
'I've got to go,' James said.
Pete coughed politely.
'Hey Tom,' Pete said. 'I see I haven't seen anybody washing the dish towels lately.'
'Huh,' Tom replied. 'Perhaps you haven't noticed how I've been taking out the trash and getting the mail in the last couple of weeks, out of the goodness of my heart?'
'Can we talk about this later,' Pete said.
'And I didn't have time to sweep the sidewalk this morning,' Tom said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! My back hurts, can you clean the toilet for me for a two months?!"'
'That's racist,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! Cut me some slack, I can't get the mail, I've got a sinus infection!!"'
'What are you, five?' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think tiny fairies are going to sweep the floor for me!!"'
'What are you, eight?' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! Leave me alone, I can't mop the floor, I've got more important things to worry about!!"'
'What are you, six?' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! My foot hurts, can you wipe down the microwave for me for a several hours?!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Tom said.
'Bullshit,' Tom said.
'Whatever,' Pete said.
'Lay off, man,' Tom said, 'I'm going through this shit with my boyfriend.'
'Uh huh,' Pete said tightly, 'and because of this tragedy you're completely incapable of cleaning off the stovetop, apparently?'
'This is so not a good time to talk,' Pete said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Tom said.
'This is so not a good time to talk about this,' Tom said.
'Well it's not like invisible maids are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Pete said.
'I don't have time for this,' Tom said.
'Well it's not like elves are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! Give me a break, I can't pay the bills, I've got allergies!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Pete said.
'What about James?' Tom said. 'Why don't you bug him about dusting.'
'James was sweeping the front porch last night,' Pete said. 'I think it's time you pitched in.'
'This is so not a good time to talk about this,' Pete said.
'And I didn't have time to mop the floor the day before yesterday,' Tom said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'What about James?' Pete said. 'Go and ask him about buying new shampoo.'
'James was vacuuming the other day,' Tom said. 'You're overdue to help out.'
'Incredible,' Pete said.
'Unbelievable,' Tom said.
'Take it easy, pal,' Pete said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'Right,' Tom said sarcastically, 'and so you're incapable of scrubbing the shower, eh?'
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Pete said. 'picking up the shit in the garage, buying more detergent, mucking out the fridge...'
'More like away,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! My arm hurts, can you sweep the floor for me for a two months?!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Pete said.
'I've got to go,' Tom said.
Jake cleared his throat.
'Hey Pete,' Jake said. 'I couldn't help but notice I haven't seen anyone else cleaning the toilet lately.'
'How fascinating,' Pete replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been taking out the trash and wiping down the microwave a lot recently, just for fun?'
'Lay off, buddy,' Jake said, 'I'm still getting over that back injury.'
'Uh huh,' Pete said viciously, 'and therefore you're utterly incapable of wiping down the microwave, apparently?'
'What about James?' Jake said. 'How about you annoy him about mopping the floor.'
'James was throwing out your girlfriend's bad burritos the day before yesterday,' Pete said patiently. 'You're overdue to help out.'
'Can we talk about this later,' Jake said.
'And I don't have time to pick up the shit in the hall ,' Pete said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Pete said. 'sweeping the floor, wiping down the microwave, sweeping the floor...'
'That's ridiculous,' Jake said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! My eye hurts, can you sweep the floor for me for a couple of weeks?!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I think tiny (little ) spirits are going to muck out the fridge for me!!"'
'What are you, five?' Jake said.
'What about James?' Pete said. 'Go and ask him about mucking out the fridge.'
'James was wiping down the microwave this morning,' Jake said calmly. 'It's your responsibility.'
'What about James?' Pete said. 'Why don't you pester him about throwing out that dude's bad lasagna.'
'Uh, as if,' Jake said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' Jake said.
'And I didn't have time to clean the sink yesterday,' Pete said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! My lung hurts, can you sweep the kitchen floor for me for a hours?!"'
'What are you, nine?' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think little leprechauns are going to muck out the fridge for me!!"'
'That's racist,' Pete said.
'What about James?' Jake said. 'How about you annoy him about buying more toilet paper.'
'Uh, sure,' Pete said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'What about James?' Jake said. 'How about you bother him about picking up the shit in the hall.'
'Uh, whatever,' Pete said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'This is so not a good time to talk,' Pete said.
'Well it's not like unicorns are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Jake said.
'What about James?' Jake said. 'How about you annoy him about doing the dishes.'
'James was dusting last week,' Pete said. 'This is your house, too.'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I think workers are going to pick up the shit in the living room for me!!"'
'What is this, fourth grade?' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think pink little leprechauns are going to change those burnt-out lightbulbs for me!!"'
'What are you, four?' Pete said.
'I've got to go,' Pete said.
Pete had something on his mind.
'Uh James,' Pete said. 'It seems like I haven't seen you doing the dishes in recent memory.'
'Oh really,' James replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been vacuuming and picking up the shit in the hall over the past several days, as a favor to you all?'
'Cut me some slack, dude,' Pete said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'Or were you lounging about and at school,' James said.
'This isn't a good time,' James said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Pete said.
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Pete said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' James said.
'There's no end to what I do around here?' James said. 'picking up the shit in the living room, dusting, cleaning the toilet...'
'Ha!' Pete said. 'I have literally never seen you do that.'
'Whatever,' Pete said.
'Bullshit,' James said.
'What about Jake?' Pete said. 'Go and irritate him about taking out the trash.'
'Uh, pshaw,' James said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'Go easy on me, pal,' Pete said, 'I've got a lot of work to do.'
'Right,' James said with an eye roll, 'and so you're totally incapable of wiping down the microwave, hmm?'
'What about Jake?' Pete said. 'Go and annoy him about paying the bills.'
'Jake was scrubbing the shower the other day,' James said. 'You're overdue to help out.'
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I don't feel well! I've got a lot of work to do!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Pete said.
'Back off, dude,' Pete said, 'I've got a lot of work to do.'
'You mean watching cat videos,' James said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Pete said.
'And I don't have time to pick up the shit in the garage ,' James said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'Fine,' James said.
'I'm just saying,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I'm too cool to pick up the shit in the dining room!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you literally trying?' James said.
'I've got to go,' James said.
Tom looked serious.
'Hey Jake,' Tom said. 'I couldn't help but notice I haven't seen anyone throwing out your moldy pasta sauce for a long time.'
'How interesting,' Jake replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been mucking out the fridge and doing the dishes over the past weeks, just for fun?'
'Take it easy, dude,' Jake said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'Right,' Tom said tightly, 'and because of this tragedy you're utterly incapable of mopping the floor, does it?'
'This is not a good time to talk about this,' Jake said.
'And I don't have time to sweep the back porch ,' Tom said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'This isn't a good time,' Tom said.
'You never have time for this,' Jake said.
'This isn't a good time,' Jake said.
'You never have time for this,' Tom said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Tom said.
'Heard that one before,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I think janitors are going to wash the dish towels for me!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Tom said.
'I don't have time for this,' Tom said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Jake said.
'What about Dave?' Jake said. 'Why don't you irritate him about taking out the trash.'
'Uh, okay,' Tom said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'What about Dave?' Jake said. 'Go and annoy him about changing those burned-out lightbulbs.'
'Uh, as if,' Tom said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I think workers are going to wipe down the microwave for me!!"'
'What are you, six?' Jake said.
'Take it easy, pal,' Tom said, 'My foot hurts.'
'You mean at work,' Jake said.
'Go easy on me, buddy,' Tom said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'More like working,' Jake said.
'Lay off, buddy,' Tom said, 'I'm still getting over that foot injury.'
'Gotcha,' Jake said with an eye roll, 'and that makes you incapable of buying new wet wipes, hmm?'
'Leave me alone, pal,' Tom said, 'I'm going through this shit with my girlfriend.'
'I see,' Jake said drily, 'and therefore you're incapable of getting the mail, huh?'
'Fuck off, pal,' Jake said, 'I'm bipolar.'
'Don't you mean watching shitty Netflix tv shows,' Tom said.
'Fuck off, man,' Tom said, 'I've got a toothache.'
'You mean at school,' Jake said.
'What about Dave?' Jake said. 'Go and pester him about throwing out your moldy eggplants.'
'Dave was sweeping the back porch last week,' Tom said calmly. 'You're overdue to help out.'
'Give me a break, dude,' Tom said, 'I'm going through this shit with my partner.'
'More like playing video games all day,' Jake said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Tom said.
'That's what you said yesterday,' Jake said.
'Go easy on me, buddy,' Tom said, 'I've got a toothache.'
'I see,' Jake said tightly, 'and that makes you totally incapable of changing those burned-out lightbulbs, yeah?'
'Give me a break, buddy,' Jake said, 'My calf hurts.'
'Or were you gone and out with your girlfriend,' Tom said.
'Give it a rest, dude,' Tom said, 'I've been busy.'
'Gotcha,' Jake said with an eye roll, 'and because of this tragedy you're totally incapable of cleaning the toilet, huh?'
'Go easy on me, pal,' Tom said, 'I've got a headache.'
'Or were you looking at porn and out drinking,' Jake said.
'Back off, bro,' Jake said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'I think you mean out drinking,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I think invisible (miniature (little ) ) unicorns are going to wipe down the microwave for me!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Tom said.
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Tom said. 'cleaning off the stovetop, sweeping the floor, sweeping the kitchen floor...'
'More like gone,' Jake said.
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Tom said. 'doing the dishes, mucking out the fridge, sweeping the floor...'
'Ha!' Jake said drily. 'I have literally never seen you do that. Never.'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! My foot hurts, can you wash the dish towels for me for a few weeks?!"'
'What are you, three?' Tom said.
'Give me a break, bro,' Tom said, 'I'm bipolar.'
'More like working,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! Go easy on me, I can't clean the sink, I think I'm coming down with something!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Tom said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Tom said.
'And I didn't have time to vacuum this morning,' Jake said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'What about Dave?' Tom said. 'How about you bug him about sweeping the front porch.'
'Dave was getting the mail the day before yesterday,' Jake said calmly. 'How about you take a shift.'
'I've got to go,' Jake said.
Pete coughed politely.
'Uh Jake,' Pete said. 'I noticed I haven't seen anyone mucking out the fridge for a while.'
'Huh,' Jake replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been picking up the shit in the hall and cleaning the toilet in the past hours, out of the goodness of my heart?'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I think little maids are going to pay the bills for me!!"'
'Okay, that's offensive,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! Go easy on me, I can't wash the dish towels, I've got a lot of work to do!!"'
'That's racist,' Jake said.
'Go easy on me, dude,' Pete said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'Gotcha,' Jake said drily, 'and therefore you're totally incapable of doing the dishes, hmm?'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Jake said.
'Heard that one before,' Pete said.
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Pete said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Jake said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Jake said.
'Unbelievable,' Pete said.
'This is so not a good time to talk,' Pete said.
'You never have time for this,' Jake said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Jake said.
'And I don't have time to wash the dish towels ,' Pete said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I'm too cool to sweep the floor!!"'
'What is this, fourth grade?' Jake said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Pete said.
'You never have time for this,' Jake said.
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Pete said.
'Heard that one before,' Jake said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Jake said.
'And I don't have time to wipe down the microwave ,' Pete said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Pete said. 'buying more stamps, taking out the trash, changing those burned-out lightbulbs...'
'More like napping till two,' Jake said.
'This isn't a good time,' Pete said.
'That's what you said yesterday,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! Give it a rest, I can't pick up the shit in the hall, I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I think maids are going to mop the floor for me!!"'
'What is this, fifth grade?' Jake said.
'What about Tom?' Jake said. 'How about you annoy him about mucking out the fridge.'
'Tom was getting the mail last week,' Pete said calmly. 'I think it's time you pitched in.'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! My eye hurts, can you get the mail for me for a two days?!"'
'What is this, junior high?' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I've got allergies! I've been busy!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you trying?' Jake said.
'What about Tom?' Jake said. 'Why don't you irritate him about cleaning the toilet.'
'Tom was cleaning off the stovetop last night,' Pete said calmly. 'How about you take a shift.'
'Take it easy, dude,' Pete said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'More like getting high with your friends,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! My back hurts, can you pay the bills for me for a days?!"'
'What is this, first grade?' Jake said.
'I so don't have time for this,' Jake said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think invisible unicorns are going to get the mail for me!!"'
'What is this, fourth grade?' Pete said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Pete said.
'You never have time for this,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! Take it easy, I can't vacuum, I think I'm coming down with something!!"'
'Just stop,' Jake said.
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Pete said. 'buying more shampoo, changing those burned-out lightbulbs, getting the mail...'
'More like at work,' Jake said.
'Take it easy, buddy,' Jake said, 'I'm bipolar.'
'I get it,' Pete said cynically, 'and so you're incapable of vacuuming, it seems?'
'I've got to go,' Jake said.
Tom coughed politely.
'So Jake,' Tom said. 'I see I haven't seen you buying new kleenex ever.'
'How interesting,' Jake replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been taking out the trash and cleaning off the stovetop a lot recently, because that's what civilized people do?'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I'm too cool to buy some detergent!!"'
'What are you, four?' Jake said.
'What about James?' Jake said. 'Go and bother him about picking up the shit in the dining room.'
'James was getting the mail yesterday,' Tom said good-naturedly. 'It's your turn.'
'Fuck off, man,' Jake said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'I see,' Tom said tightly, 'and therefore you're utterly incapable of wiping down the microwave, eh?'
'Cut me some slack, dude,' Jake said, 'I've been busy.'
'I see,' Tom said viciously, 'and because of this tragedy you're totally incapable of taking out the trash, it seems?'
'This is not a good time to talk about this,' Jake said.
'And I don't have time to vacuum ,' Tom said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' Jake said.
'And I don't have time to muck out the fridge ,' Tom said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! My thigh hurts, can you get the mail for me for a hours?!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Jake said.
'Fine,' Tom said.
'I'm just saying,' Jake said.
'Back off, buddy,' Tom said, 'I'm still getting over that thigh injury.'
'I get it,' Jake said drily, 'and that makes you incapable of paying the bills, yeah?'
'I don't have time for this,' Tom said.
'And I don't have time to clean the sink ,' Jake said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'Leave me alone, buddy,' Jake said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'Or were you looking at porn and at school,' Tom said.
'Give it a rest, buddy,' Tom said, 'I don't feel well.'
'You mean at school,' Jake said.
'Back off, buddy,' Tom said, 'I'm bipolar.'
'Or were you at work,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I think invisible unicorns are going to get the mail for me!!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Jake said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Jake said.
'Heard that one before,' Tom said.
'This isn't a good time,' Jake said.
'You never have time for this,' Tom said.
'What about James?' Jake said. 'How about you pester him about mopping the floor.'
'James was dusting last week,' Tom said patiently. 'This is your house, too.'
'What about James?' Tom said. 'Go and ask him about cleaning off the stovetop.'
'Uh, whatever,' Jake said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'Cut me some slack, dude,' Jake said, 'I've got a lot of work to do.'
'Don't you mean at work,' Tom said.
'I'm just saying,' Tom said.
'I'm just saying,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I'm too cool to get the mail!!"'
'What are you, five?' Jake said.
'This is so not a good time to talk about this,' Jake said.
'You never have time for this,' Tom said.
'I've got to go,' Jake said.
Pete looked serious.
'So James,' Pete said. 'I noticed I haven't seen anyone mopping the floor for a while.'
'Huh,' James replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been doing the dishes and cleaning the sink in the past several hours, without asking for any credit?'
'What about Dave?' Pete said. 'Why don't you ask him about picking up the shit in the dining room.'
'Uh, sure,' James said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'Fuck off, pal,' James said, 'I've got a toothache.'
'More like watching cat videos and out drinking,' Pete said.
'Cut me some slack, bro,' James said, 'I've got a lot on my mind.'
'More like gone,' Pete said.
'Lay off, dude,' Pete said, 'I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel.'
'I think you mean wherever it is you go all day,' James said.
'Incredible,' Pete said.
'Whatever,' James said.
'What about Dave?' Pete said. 'How about you pester him about vacuuming.'
'Dave was picking up the shit in the hall last night,' James said calmly. 'It's your responsibility.'
'Unbelievable,' Pete said.
'Bullshit,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I'm too cool to pick up the shit in the garage!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Pete said.
'Take it easy, pal,' Pete said, 'I've got a headache.'
'I think you mean at school,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think invisible fairies are going to clean the toilet for me!!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Pete said.
'Yeah, whatever,' James said.
'Fine,' Pete said.
'This is so not a good time to talk,' James said.
'You never have time for this,' Pete said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' James said.
'That's what you said yesterday,' Pete said.
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Pete said. 'dusting, cleaning the sink, taking out the trash...'
'That's ridiculous,' James said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'Fuck off, pal,' Pete said, 'I've got allergies.'
'I think you mean napping till two,' James said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Pete said.
'You never have time for this,' James said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Pete said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' James said.
'Give me a break, dude,' Pete said, 'I don't feel well.'
'I think you mean wherever it is you go all day,' James said.
'What about Dave?' Pete said. 'Go and irritate him about wiping down the microwave.'
'Uh, sure,' James said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'Whatever,' Pete said.
'Incredible,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! Lay off, I can't sweep the floor, I've got a lot of work to do!!"'
'What is this, first grade?' James said.
'I don't have time for this right now,' Pete said.
'Well it's not like little (invisible ) fairies are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! My thigh hurts, can you do the dishes for me for a several days?!"'
'What are you, two?' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I'm going through this shit with my partner! I've got more important things to worry about!!"'
'That's racist,' James said.
'Leave me alone, bro,' Pete said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'Don't you mean at work and at work,' James said.
'Go easy on me, pal,' James said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'Right,' Pete said drily, 'and therefore you're utterly incapable of vacuuming, yeah?'
'This is not a good time to talk about this,' Pete said.
'And I don't have time to mop the floor ,' James said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'I've got to go,' James said.
Pete frowned.
'So Tom,' Pete said. 'I noticed I haven't seen anyone wiping down the microwave for a long time.'
'Interesting,' Tom replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been sweeping the floor and throwing out your partner's moldy bagels over the past hours, because that's what civilized people do?'
'Take it easy, buddy,' Tom said, 'I don't feel well.'
'I see,' Pete said tightly, 'and that makes you totally incapable of cleaning the sink, yeah?'
'Incredible,' Pete said.
'Fine,' Tom said.
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Pete said. 'mopping the floor, washing the dish towels, mucking out the fridge...'
'More like at school,' Tom said.
'Take it easy, buddy,' Pete said, 'I've got a lot on my mind.'
'I think you mean at work,' Tom said.
'Leave me alone, man,' Tom said, 'My arm hurts.'
'Oh, I see,' Pete said drolly, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of wiping down the microwave, apparently?'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! Lay off, I can't sweep out the garage, I've got more important things to worry about!!"'
'What is this, third grade?' Tom said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Pete said.
'Bullshit,' Tom said.
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Pete said. 'getting the mail, taking out the trash, mopping the floor...'
'That's ridiculous,' Tom said drily, 'you never do shit like that.'
'Fuck off, buddy,' Pete said, 'My back hurts.'
'I see,' Tom said tightly, 'and that makes you incapable of throwing out your girlfriend's moldy eggplants, does it?'
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Tom said. 'sweeping the floor, washing the dish towels, picking up the shit in the hall...'
'That's ridiculous,' Pete said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'Back off, dude,' Pete said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'I think you mean lounging about and wherever it is you go all day,' Tom said.
'What about Jake?' Tom said. 'Go and pester him about sweeping the back porch.'
'Uh, sure,' Pete said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'Fuck off, bro,' Pete said, 'I've got a sinus infection.'
'Don't you mean working and watching shitty Netflix tv shows,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! My back hurts, can you wipe down the microwave for me for a weeks?!"'
'Okay, that's seriously offensive,' Tom said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Pete said.
'Well it's not like maids are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Tom said.
'Lay off, dude,' Pete said, 'I'm bipolar.'
'I see,' Tom said with an eye roll, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of wiping down the microwave, does it?'
'This isn't a good time,' Pete said.
'Well it's not like maids are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Tom said.
'Take it easy, man,' Tom said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'Don't you mean gone,' Pete said.
'What about Jake?' Tom said. 'Go and bother him about picking up the shit in the garage.'
'Uh, as if,' Pete said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think elves are going to buy new trash bags for me!!"'
'That's racist,' Pete said.
'Bullshit,' Pete said.
'Unbelievable,' Tom said.
'What about Jake?' Pete said. 'Why don't you bother him about wiping down the microwave.'
'Uh, sure,' Tom said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'Incredible,' Pete said.
'Fine,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I've got more important things to worry about! My lung hurts!!"'
'Okay, that's seriously offensive,' Tom said.
'Back off, dude,' Pete said, 'I've got allergies.'
'Oh, I see,' Tom said with an eye roll, 'and that makes you incapable of mopping the floor, does it?'
'I've got to go,' Tom said.
Dave cleared his throat.
'So James,' Dave said. 'I see I haven't seen anyone mopping the floor lately.'
'Huh,' James replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been dusting and dusting today, without asking for any credit?'
'Fuck off, buddy,' Dave said, 'I'm still getting over that ear injury.'
'More like at work,' James said.
'Go easy on me, pal,' Dave said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'Uh huh,' James said cynically, 'and because of this tragedy you're utterly incapable of vacuuming, apparently?'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I think elves are going to sweep the floor for me!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' James said.
'Back off, pal,' Dave said, 'I've got allergies.'
'Right,' James said with an eye roll, 'and so you're completely incapable of picking up the shit in the garage, hmm?'
'Fuck off, pal,' Dave said, 'I've got a headache.'
'Or were you hitting the clubs,' James said.
'Cut me some slack, man,' Dave said, 'I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel.'
'Uh huh,' James said with an eye roll, 'and that makes you incapable of picking up the shit in the dining room, yeah?'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I'm too cool to vacuum!!"'
'What are you, five?' James said.
'Incredible,' Dave said.
'Whatever,' James said.
'Go easy on me, bro,' James said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'I think you mean hitting the clubs,' Dave said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Dave said.
'Whatever,' James said.
'This is so not a good time to talk,' Dave said.
'You never have time for this,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! Give me a break, I can't scrub the shower, I've got a sinus infection!!"'
'What are you, three?' James said.
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Dave said. 'cleaning the sink, cleaning the sink, sweeping out the garage...'
'More like lounging about,' James said.
'Give it a rest, pal,' Dave said, 'I've got a lot of work to do.'
'You mean watching cat videos,' James said.
'Unbelievable,' Dave said.
'Incredible,' James said.
'Back off, bro,' Dave said, 'I've got a toothache.'
'I get it,' James said with an eye roll, 'and that makes you completely incapable of taking out the trash, does it?'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I'm too cool to take out the trash!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' James said.
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' James said.
'Well it's not like miniature (tiny ) (tiny ) spirits are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Dave said.
'This isn't a good time,' Dave said.
'You never have time for this,' James said.
'I don't have time for this,' James said.
'That's what you said yesterday,' Dave said.
'Leave me alone, pal,' Dave said, 'I don't feel well.'
'I think you mean watching shitty Netflix tv shows,' James said.
'Lay off, pal,' Dave said, 'My calf hurts.'
'I get it,' James said cynically, 'and that makes you completely incapable of cleaning the toilet, eh?'
'Cut me some slack, dude,' James said, 'I've got a sinus infection.'
'Uh huh,' Dave said drolly, 'and therefore you're completely incapable of cleaning off the stovetop, eh?'
'I've got to go,' James said.
Dave frowned.
'Uh Jake,' Dave said. 'It seems to me that I haven't seen anyone vacuuming in forever.'
'Is that right,' Jake replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been mucking out the fridge and vacuuming a lot recently, just for fun?'
'I'm just saying,' Dave said.
'Fine,' Jake said.
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Dave said. 'mucking out the fridge, scrubbing the shower, paying the bills...'
'That's ridiculous,' Jake said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Jake said.
'You never have time for this,' Dave said.
'Back off, pal,' Dave said, 'I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel.'
'I see,' Jake said drily, 'and because of this tragedy you're completely incapable of sweeping the floor, yeah?'
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' Dave said.
'That's what you said last week,' Jake said.
'I so don't have time for this right now,' Dave said.
'Heard that one before,' Jake said.
'Give it a rest, man,' Dave said, 'My cat is depressed.'
'I get it,' Jake said cynically, 'and so you're totally incapable of taking out the trash, yeah?'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! Lay off, I can't buy more trash bags, I'm still getting over that lung injury!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Jake said.
'Fine,' Jake said.
'Unbelievable,' Dave said.
'What about Tom?' Dave said. 'Why don't you pester him about throwing out that dude's rotting leftovers.'
'Uh, pshaw,' Jake said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! Cut me some slack, I can't muck out the fridge, I've been busy!!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Dave said.
'Cut me some slack, buddy,' Dave said, 'I don't feel well.'
'Uh huh,' Jake said tightly, 'and so you're incapable of throwing out your friends's old clam dip, hmm?'
'What about Tom?' Jake said. 'Why don't you pester him about changing those burned-out lightbulbs.'
'Tom was changing those burned-out lightbulbs last week,' Dave said good-naturedly. 'It's your responsibility.'
'This is so not a good time to talk,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to clean the sink ,' Jake said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'Bullshit,' Dave said.
'Fine,' Jake said.
'Incredible,' Dave said.
'Incredible,' Jake said.
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Dave said.
'Well it's not like little (tiny ) unicorns are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Jake said.
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Jake said. 'vacuuming, dusting, changing those burned-out lightbulbs...'
'More like away,' Dave said.
'I'm just saying,' Jake said.
'Whatever,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I'm bipolar! I'm going through this shit with my girlfriend!!"'
'Just stop,' Jake said.
'I don't have time for this right now,' Dave said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Jake said.
'Give it a rest, buddy,' Dave said, 'I've been busy.'
'Oh, I see,' Jake said tightly, 'and so you're incapable of dusting, hmm?'
'Unbelievable,' Dave said.
'I'm just saying,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! Back off, I can't clean off the stovetop, I have to work for a living!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Jake said.
'I'm just saying,' Jake said.
'Fine,' Dave said.
'Take it easy, pal,' Dave said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'Don't you mean at school,' Jake said.
'Cut me some slack, bro,' Dave said, 'I've got a toothache.'
'You mean out drinking,' Jake said.
'I've got to go,' Jake said.
Dave cleared his throat.
'So James,' Dave said. 'I noticed I haven't seen you dusting ever.'
'How fascinating,' James replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been mucking out the fridge and cleaning the sink today, just for fun?'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I think miniature unicorns are going to buy new detergent for me!!"'
'What is this, junior high?' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I'm too cool to clean off the stovetop!!"'
'Just stop,' Dave said.
'Back off, dude,' Dave said, 'I've got a sinus infection.'
'I get it,' James said viciously, 'and therefore you're totally incapable of dusting, does it?'
'What about Pete?' Dave said. 'Why don't you pester him about scrubbing the shower.'
'Uh, as if,' James said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I'm going through this shit with my partner! I think I'm coming down with something!!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' James said.
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Dave said. 'mucking out the fridge, changing those burned-out lightbulbs, getting the mail...'
'More like at school,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! My foot hurts, can you scrub the shower for me for a few days?!"'
'What is this, junior high?' James said.
'Give it a rest, pal,' James said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'You mean getting high with your boyfriend and napping till two,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! Leave me alone, I can't clean the sink, I think I'm coming down with something!!"'
'That was uncalled for,' James said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Dave said.
'Well it's not like miniature spirits are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' James said.
'I don't have time for this,' Dave said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' James said.
'Whatever,' Dave said.
'Unbelievable,' James said.
'Fuck off, buddy,' Dave said, 'I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel.'
'I see,' James said drily, 'and so you're totally incapable of sweeping the floor, huh?'
'This is so not a good time to talk,' Dave said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I'm still getting over that leg injury! I don't feel well!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I'm too cool to pick up the shit in the living room!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' James said.
'Unbelievable,' James said.
'Whatever,' Dave said.
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Dave said.
'Well it's not like workers are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' James said.
'There's no end to what I do around here?' James said. 'cleaning off the stovetop, dusting, paying the bills...'
'More like watching cat videos,' Dave said.
'Yeah, whatever,' James said.
'Bullshit,' Dave said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Dave said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' James said.
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Dave said. 'vacuuming, paying the bills, wiping down the microwave...'
'That's ridiculous,' James said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' James said. 'taking out the trash, picking up the shit in the hall, scrubbing the shower...'
'More like playing video games all day,' Dave said.
'I don't have time for this,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to change those burnt-out lightbulbs ,' James said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I don't feel well! I think I'm coming down with something!!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Dave said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Dave said.
'Well it's not like workers are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' James said.
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' Dave said.
'You never have time for this,' James said.
'What about Pete?' James said. 'Why don't you bother him about vacuuming.'
'Uh, yeah right,' Dave said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'Bullshit,' Dave said.
'Incredible,' James said.
'Whatever,' Dave said.
'Yeah, whatever,' James said.
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Dave said. 'sweeping the patio, getting the mail, doing the dishes...'
'Bullshit!' James said with an eye roll. 'I have never seen you do that.'
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Dave said. 'mucking out the fridge, paying the bills, dusting...'
'That's ridiculous,' James said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I'm too cool to clean off the stovetop!!"'
'That was uncalled for,' James said.
'What about Pete?' Dave said. 'How about you bother him about getting the mail.'
'Pete was changing those burned-out lightbulbs yesterday,' James said patiently. 'It's your responsibility.'
'What about Pete?' Dave said. 'Why don't you ask him about washing the dish towels.'
'Pete was cleaning the sink the other day,' James said calmly. 'You're overdue to help out.'
'What about Pete?' Dave said. 'Go and irritate him about cleaning off the stovetop.'
'Pete was buying more kleenex last week,' James said. 'I think it's time you pitched in.'
'I've got to go,' James said.
Tom coughed politely.
'So Jake,' Tom said. 'It seems to me that I haven't seen anyone else vacuuming lately.'
'Interesting,' Jake replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been mucking out the fridge and mopping the floor in the past several weeks, out of the goodness of my heart?'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I'm too cool to muck out the fridge!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you trying?' Jake said.
'What about Pete?' Tom said. 'Go and annoy him about throwing out your partner's old lasagna.'
'Pete was paying the bills last week,' Jake said patiently. 'How about you take a shift.'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Jake said.
'Well it's not like little (cute adorable tiny (invisible ) ) spirits are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Tom said.
'Give me a break, buddy,' Tom said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'Gotcha,' Jake said drily, 'and that makes you incapable of cleaning off the stovetop, hmm?'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I'm too cool to sweep the floor!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I've got a lot of work to do! I think I'm coming down with something!!"'
'What are you, three?' Tom said.
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Tom said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Jake said.
'Whatever,' Tom said.
'I'm just saying,' Jake said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Tom said.
'And I didn't have time to pay the bills last week,' Jake said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Take it easy, buddy,' Tom said, 'I've got a toothache.'
'Oh, I see,' Jake said sarcastically, 'and that makes you incapable of taking out the trash, yeah?'
'Take it easy, dude,' Tom said, 'I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel.'
'I see,' Jake said with an eye roll, 'and so you're utterly incapable of picking up the shit in the dining room, does it?'
'Give it a rest, buddy,' Jake said, 'My neck hurts.'
'Don't you mean gone and out drinking,' Tom said.
'Whatever,' Jake said.
'Whatever,' Tom said.
'Fuck off, pal,' Tom said, 'I'm still getting over that back injury.'
'Right,' Jake said viciously, 'and therefore you're utterly incapable of washing the dish towels, huh?'
'This is so not a good time to talk,' Tom said.
'And I don't have time to dust ,' Jake said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'Give me a break, man,' Tom said, 'I'm going through this shit with my partner.'
'I think you mean watching shitty Netflix tv shows and working,' Jake said.
'Give it a rest, dude,' Tom said, 'I'm still getting over that ear injury.'
'You mean at school and at work,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! My leg hurts, can you wash the dish towels for me for a several weeks?!"'
'That was uncalled for,' Jake said.
'Cut me some slack, bro,' Jake said, 'I've got a headache.'
'Don't you mean looking at porn and gone,' Tom said.
'I've got to go,' Jake said.
Jake cleared his throat.
'So Pete,' Jake said. 'It seems like I haven't seen anyone cleaning off the stovetop since, like, months ago.'
'Yeah,' Pete replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been wiping down the microwave and washing the dish towels over the past couple of weeks, out of the goodness of my heart?'
'This is not a good time to talk,' Jake said.
'That's what you said last week,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think invisible (invisible ) (miniature ) (invisible ) leprechauns are going to sweep out the garage for me!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I've got a sinus infection! My ear hurts!!"'
'What are you, nine?' Pete said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Jake said.
'And I don't have time to clean the sink ,' Pete said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! Cut me some slack, I can't sweep the back porch, I think I'm coming down with something!!"'
'What are you, seven?' Pete said.
'Unbelievable,' Pete said.
'Whatever,' Jake said.
'What about Tom?' Jake said. 'Why don't you ask him about mopping the floor.'
'Uh, as if,' Pete said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think maids are going to wash the dish towels for me!!"'
'What is this, kindergarten?' Pete said.
'Cut me some slack, dude,' Jake said, 'I've got a lot of work to do.'
'Don't you mean gone,' Pete said.
'Go easy on me, man,' Jake said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'I get it,' Pete said with an eye roll, 'and so you're completely incapable of sweeping the floor, it seems?'
'What about Tom?' Pete said. 'Why don't you bug him about sweeping the floor.'
'Tom was scrubbing the shower last night,' Jake said calmly. 'You're overdue to help out.'
'Lay off, man,' Jake said, 'I've got a headache.'
'I see,' Pete said drily, 'and therefore you're incapable of mopping the floor, does it?'
'What about Tom?' Jake said. 'Why don't you bother him about vacuuming.'
'Tom was dusting this morning,' Pete said good-naturedly. 'It's your turn.'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! My calf hurts, can you clean the toilet for me for a hours?!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you literally trying?' Jake said.
'I so don't have time for this,' Pete said.
'Well it's not like unicorns are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Jake said.
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Jake said. 'buying new kleenex, cleaning the toilet, buying more wet wipes...'
'That's ridiculous,' Pete said drily, 'you never do shit like that.'
'What about Tom?' Jake said. 'Go and ask him about buying new shampoo.'
'Uh, as if,' Pete said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'Give me a break, dude,' Jake said, 'I've got a sinus infection.'
'Or were you gone and gone,' Pete said.
'I've got to go,' Pete said.
Jake looked serious.
'Uh Dave,' Jake said. 'I see I haven't seen anyone else getting the mail in a while.'
'How fascinating,' Dave replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been throwing out your boyfriend's moldy sushi and doing the dishes over the past few months, out of the goodness of my heart?'
'Fuck off, pal,' Dave said, 'I've got a lot of work to do.'
'I get it,' Jake said with an eye roll, 'and so you're incapable of taking out the trash, eh?'
'This is not a good time to talk about this,' Dave said.
'Heard that one before,' Jake said.
'This is not a good time to talk about this,' Jake said.
'And I don't have time to clean the sink ,' Dave said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! Cut me some slack, I can't vacuum, I've got a migraine!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Dave said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Dave said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Jake said.
'Unbelievable,' Jake said.
'Fine,' Dave said.
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Jake said. 'cleaning off the stovetop, cleaning off the stovetop, throwing out your girlfriend's bad sushi...'
'That's ridiculous,' Dave said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'Give me a break, pal,' Dave said, 'I've been busy.'
'Oh, I see,' Jake said with an eye roll, 'and because of this tragedy you're totally incapable of sweeping the floor, huh?'
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Jake said. 'taking out the trash, cleaning off the stovetop, wiping down the microwave...'
'More like at work,' Dave said.
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Dave said. 'cleaning off the stovetop, taking out the trash, throwing out your girlfriend's old pasta sauce...'
'That's ridiculous,' Jake said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! My foot hurts, can you clean the sink for me for a two months?!"'
'What is this, first grade?' Dave said.
'What about James?' Jake said. 'Why don't you bug him about taking out the trash.'
'James was mopping the floor last night,' Dave said. 'How about you take a shift.'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! My leg hurts, can you wipe down the microwave for me for a several weeks?!"'
'Okay, that's offensive,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I've got a sinus infection! My dog is depressed!!"'
'What are you, eight?' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I'm too cool to wipe down the microwave!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Dave said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Jake said.
'And I didn't have time to wipe down the microwave the day before yesterday,' Dave said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'This isn't a good time,' Dave said.
'And I didn't have time to sweep the kitchen floor yesterday,' Jake said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Whatever,' Dave said.
'I'm just saying,' Jake said.
'Whatever,' Jake said.
'Incredible,' Dave said.
'This isn't a good time,' Dave said.
'That's what you said last week,' Jake said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Jake said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Dave said.
'Take it easy, dude,' Jake said, 'My dog is depressed.'
'Don't you mean out drinking,' Dave said.
'What about James?' Dave said. 'Why don't you pester him about doing the dishes.'
'James was washing the dish towels the other day,' Jake said calmly. 'You're overdue to help out.'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Jake said.
'You never have time for this,' Dave said.
'Back off, buddy,' Jake said, 'My hamster is depressed.'
'Right,' Dave said cynically, 'and therefore you're completely incapable of dusting, huh?'
'I've got to go,' Dave said.
Tom coughed politely.
'So Pete,' Tom said. 'It seems to me that I haven't seen anybody dusting since, like, months ago.'
'Weird,' Pete replied. 'Perhaps you haven't noticed how I've been doing the dishes and cleaning off the stovetop over the past months, just for fun?'
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Tom said. 'wiping down the microwave, doing the dishes, taking out the trash...'
'More like at school,' Pete said.
'This is not a good time to talk about this,' Pete said.
'You never have time for this,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I'm bipolar! I've got a toothache!!"'
'What is this, junior high?' Pete said.
'Unbelievable,' Pete said.
'Fine,' Tom said.
'Unbelievable,' Pete said.
'Incredible,' Tom said.
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Pete said.
'Heard that one before,' Tom said.
'What about Dave?' Tom said. 'Why don't you ask him about sweeping the sidewalk.'
'Uh, as if,' Pete said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! My head hurts, can you dust for me for a months?!"'
'What is this, junior high?' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think spirits are going to clean the toilet for me!!"'
'Just stop,' Pete said.
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Tom said. 'mucking out the fridge, paying the bills, picking up the shit in the living room...'
'More like at work,' Pete said.
'Lay off, bro,' Tom said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'I think you mean getting high with your boyfriend and working,' Pete said.
'Lay off, bro,' Pete said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'I think you mean watching shitty Netflix tv shows and at school,' Tom said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Tom said.
'That's what you said yesterday,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think tiny elves are going to do the dishes for me!!"'
'What are you, two?' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I think little elves are going to do the dishes for me!!"'
'That was uncalled for,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I'm too cool to get the mail!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I'm too cool to wash the dish towels!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! Go easy on me, I can't clean the sink, I'm still getting over that lung injury!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you trying?' Pete said.
'What about Dave?' Tom said. 'Why don't you bother him about taking out the trash.'
'Uh, whatever,' Pete said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'I've got to go,' Pete said.
Dave coughed politely.
'Hey Pete,' Dave said. 'I see I haven't seen anyone sweeping the floor lately.'
'Oh really,' Pete replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been doing the dishes and dusting in the past months, as a favor to you all?'
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Pete said. 'scrubbing the shower, throwing out your friends's rotting egg rolls, sweeping the floor...'
'Bullshit!' Dave said sarcastically. 'I have never seen you do that.'
'Bullshit,' Dave said.
'Incredible,' Pete said.
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Dave said. 'getting the mail, sweeping the front porch, sweeping the floor...'
'More like working,' Pete said.
'Back off, bro,' Dave said, 'I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel.'
'Or were you away and looking at porn,' Pete said.
'I don't have time for this,' Dave said.
'You never have time for this,' Pete said.
'Leave me alone, pal,' Pete said, 'I'm still getting over that lung injury.'
'More like hitting the clubs,' Dave said.
'Whatever,' Dave said.
'Unbelievable,' Pete said.
'What about Tom?' Dave said. 'How about you bother him about paying the bills.'
'Uh, as if,' Pete said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I'm too cool to clean off the stovetop!!"'
'Just stop,' Pete said.
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Pete said. 'cleaning the toilet, mopping the floor, scrubbing the shower...'
'You've got to be kidding me!' Dave said. 'I have literally never seen you do that. Literally.'
'Yeah, whatever,' Dave said.
'Fine,' Pete said.
'Incredible,' Dave said.
'Unbelievable,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! Cut me some slack, I can't change those burnt-out lightbulbs, My dog is depressed!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you literally trying?' Dave said.
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Dave said. 'buying some Windex, sweeping the floor, doing the dishes...'
'Bullshit!' Pete said. 'I have never seen you do that.'
'Whatever,' Pete said.
'I'm just saying,' Dave said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Dave said.
'Well it's not like miniature fairies are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Pete said.
'I've got to go,' Pete said.
Tom coughed politely.
'Uh Jake,' Tom said. 'It seems to me that I haven't seen you mopping the floor since, like, months ago.'
'Yeah,' Jake replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been doing the dishes and vacuuming in the last two hours, because that's what civilized people do?'
'This isn't a good time,' Jake said.
'Well it's not like workers are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Tom said.
'Cut me some slack, bro,' Tom said, 'I've been busy.'
'Gotcha,' Jake said with an eye roll, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of throwing out your partner's moldy lasagna, eh?'
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Jake said. 'paying the bills, wiping down the microwave, throwing out that dude's moldy leftovers...'
'More like playing video games all day,' Tom said.
'Go easy on me, pal,' Jake said, 'I'm bipolar.'
'Or were you at school,' Tom said.
'Cut me some slack, bro,' Tom said, 'I'm bipolar.'
'Gotcha,' Jake said drily, 'and that makes you incapable of throwing out that dude's rotting lasagna, yeah?'
'Yeah, whatever,' Tom said.
'Incredible,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! My head hurts, can you wash the dish towels for me for a couple of days?!"'
'What is this, fourth grade?' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I think adorable miniature elves are going to throw out that dude's rotting leftovers for me!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you trying?' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! My arm hurts, can you pick up the shit in the garage for me for a few weeks?!"'
'What is this, junior high?' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I've got more important things to worry about! I've got a migraine!!"'
'That's racist,' Jake said.
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Tom said.
'You never have time for this,' Jake said.
'I don't have time for this,' Tom said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I'm too cool to take out the trash!!"'
'What is this, junior high?' Tom said.
'What about Pete?' Tom said. 'Why don't you bother him about cleaning the sink.'
'Uh, okay,' Jake said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'Bullshit,' Tom said.
'Fine,' Jake said.
'This isn't a good time,' Tom said.
'And I don't have time to throw out that dude's moldy eggplants ,' Jake said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! Give me a break, I can't get the mail, I have to work for a living!!"'
'Okay, that's seriously offensive,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I'm too cool to get the mail!!"'
'Just stop,' Tom said.
'Whatever,' Tom said.
'Incredible,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! My arm hurts, can you wipe down the microwave for me for a few hours?!"'
'What is this, third grade?' Tom said.
'Leave me alone, bro,' Tom said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'I see,' Jake said with an eye roll, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of mopping the floor, huh?'
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Tom said. 'throwing out your moldy lasagna, getting the mail, paying the bills...'
'More like playing video games all day,' Jake said.
'I've got to go,' Jake said.
Dave coughed politely.
'Uh Tom,' Dave said. 'I see I haven't seen anybody mucking out the fridge for a while.'
'Weird,' Tom replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been doing the dishes and sweeping the sidewalk a lot recently, as a favor to you all?'
'This isn't a good time,' Tom said.
'That's what you said last week,' Dave said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Tom said.
'Heard that one before,' Dave said.
'Back off, man,' Dave said, 'I've been busy.'
'You mean working,' Tom said.
'What about James?' Dave said. 'How about you ask him about paying the bills.'
'Uh, yeah right,' Tom said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Tom said.
'Well it's not like invisible (invisible ) (cute precious little ) elves are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Dave said.
'Go easy on me, pal,' Dave said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'I see,' Tom said viciously, 'and that makes you utterly incapable of buying some wet wipes, does it?'
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Tom said. 'cleaning off the stovetop, vacuuming, cleaning the sink...'
'You've got to be kidding me!' Dave said. 'I have literally never seen you do that. Never.'
'This is so not a good time to talk,' Dave said.
'You never have time for this,' Tom said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Dave said.
'Well it's not like tiny (invisible ) fairies are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Tom said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to change those burnt-out lightbulbs ,' Tom said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! Give it a rest, I can't pick up the shit in the hall, I've got a migraine!!"'
'That's racist,' Dave said.
'I so don't have time for this,' Dave said.
'And I didn't have time to muck out the fridge last week,' Tom said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Tom said.
'And I didn't have time to scrub the shower this morning,' Dave said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Cut me some slack, buddy,' Dave said, 'I've got allergies.'
'I think you mean away,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I've got a headache! My cat is depressed!!"'
'What are you, four?' Dave said.
'Back off, bro,' Tom said, 'I've got a toothache.'
'I see,' Dave said viciously, 'and therefore you're incapable of throwing out your rotting clam dip, yeah?'
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Tom said. 'sweeping out the garage, scrubbing the shower, wiping down the microwave...'
'That's ridiculous,' Dave said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Tom said. 'cleaning the sink, washing the dish towels, taking out the trash...'
'That's ridiculous,' Dave said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'Incredible,' Tom said.
'Whatever,' Dave said.
'I've got to go,' Tom said.
Pete looked serious.
'So Tom,' Pete said. 'I couldn't help but notice I haven't seen anyone picking up the shit in the living room in a while.'
'How fascinating,' Tom replied. 'Perhaps you haven't noticed how I've been mopping the floor and cleaning the sink recently, because that's what civilized people do?'
'Give it a rest, pal,' Tom said, 'I'm still getting over that calf injury.'
'Right,' Pete said drily, 'and therefore you're incapable of changing those burned-out lightbulbs, yeah?'
'Fuck off, dude,' Pete said, 'I don't feel well.'
'Gotcha,' Tom said sarcastically, 'and so you're utterly incapable of dusting, yeah?'
'I don't have time for this,' Pete said.
'Well it's not like little maids are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Tom said.
'Cut me some slack, pal,' Pete said, 'I've got a headache.'
'Don't you mean watching shitty Netflix tv shows,' Tom said.
'What about Jake?' Tom said. 'Why don't you ask him about taking out the trash.'
'Jake was getting the mail the other day,' Pete said. 'It's your responsibility.'
'Back off, buddy,' Pete said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'I think you mean gone,' Tom said.
'This is not a good time to talk,' Pete said.
'And I didn't have time to change those burnt-out lightbulbs the other day,' Tom said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! Cut me some slack, I can't sweep the floor, I'm still getting over that head injury!!"'
'What is this, fourth grade?' Tom said.
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Pete said. 'cleaning the sink, sweeping the patio, washing the dish towels...'
'That's ridiculous,' Tom said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Tom said.
'That's what you said yesterday,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I'm too cool to change those burnt-out lightbulbs!!"'
'What are you, four?' Tom said.
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Tom said. 'paying the bills, buying some toilet paper, throwing out that dude's rotting burritos...'
'More like out drinking,' Pete said.
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' Tom said.
'You never have time for this,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I've got more important things to worry about! I've got a lot of work to do!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Tom said.
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Pete said. 'mucking out the fridge, cleaning the toilet, doing the dishes...'
'That's ridiculous,' Tom said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'I don't have time for this,' Pete said.
'And I didn't have time to buy new bathroom soap yesterday,' Tom said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I think workers are going to do the dishes for me!!"'
'What is this, fourth grade?' Tom said.
'Give it a rest, dude,' Pete said, 'I've got a headache.'
'More like gone,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think little elves are going to wipe down the microwave for me!!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! My leg hurts, can you scrub the shower for me for a days?!"'
'What are you, six?' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! Cut me some slack, I can't clean the sink, My eye hurts!!"'
'Just stop,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! My back hurts, can you pay the bills for me for a few days?!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you literally trying?' Tom said.
'I've got to go,' Tom said.
Pete had something on his mind.
'Uh Dave,' Pete said. 'I noticed I haven't seen anyone else cleaning the sink ever.'
'Is that a fact,' Dave replied. 'Perhaps you haven't noticed how I've been paying the bills and doing the dishes in the past several hours, just for fun?'
'Leave me alone, bro,' Pete said, 'I've got allergies.'
'More like out drinking,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! My head hurts! I've got a migraine!!"'
'What is this, fourth grade?' Dave said.
'Fine,' Dave said.
'I'm just saying,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! Leave me alone, I can't take out the trash, I've got allergies!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Pete said.
'What about Tom?' Dave said. 'Go and ask him about mopping the floor.'
'Tom was washing the dish towels the other day,' Pete said good-naturedly. 'I think it's time you pitched in.'
'I'm just saying,' Pete said.
'Whatever,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I'm too cool to take out the trash!!"'
'That's racist,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I've got a toothache! I've got a toothache!!"'
'What is this, second grade?' Dave said.
'What about Tom?' Dave said. 'Why don't you ask him about sweeping the floor.'
'Tom was throwing out your friends's moldy sushi yesterday,' Pete said. 'This is your house, too.'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! My ear hurts, can you clean the toilet for me for a several hours?!"'
'What is this, first grade?' Dave said.
'Unbelievable,' Pete said.
'Unbelievable,' Dave said.
'I'm just saying,' Pete said.
'I'm just saying,' Dave said.
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Pete said. 'cleaning the sink, picking up the shit in the dining room, cleaning the sink...'
'Ha!' Dave said drily. 'I have never seen you do that.'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! Leave me alone, I can't wash the dish towels, I'm trying to quit smoking!!"'
'Okay, that's offensive,' Pete said.
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' Pete said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think little maids are going to sweep the front porch for me!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Pete said.
'Give it a rest, bro,' Pete said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'I see,' Dave said drily, 'and that makes you incapable of scrubbing the shower, it seems?'
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Pete said. 'doing the dishes, dusting, cleaning off the stovetop...'
'More like gone,' Dave said.
'I don't have time for this,' Dave said.
'And I didn't have time to clean off the stovetop yesterday,' Pete said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I'm too cool to change those burnt-out lightbulbs!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Dave said.
'Fuck off, pal,' Pete said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'You mean watching cat videos,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! My head hurts, can you sweep the floor for me for a couple of days?!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Pete said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Pete said.
'And I don't have time to scrub the shower ,' Dave said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'This isn't a good time,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to mop the floor ,' Pete said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Pete said.
'Well it's not like little elves are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I'm too cool to clean the toilet!!"'
'What are you, five?' Pete said.
'Give me a break, man,' Dave said, 'I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel.'
'Or were you looking at porn,' Pete said.
'Take it easy, man,' Dave said, 'I'm going through this shit with my boyfriend.'
'More like watching cat videos,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I think unicorns are going to muck out the fridge for me!!"'
'That's racist,' Dave said.
'I've got to go,' Dave said.
Dave had something on his mind.
'So James,' Dave said. 'I noticed I haven't seen anybody doing the dishes for a while.'
'How interesting,' James replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been cleaning the sink and cleaning the sink in the past several weeks, just for fun?'
'Lay off, bro,' Dave said, 'I'm going through this shit with my friends.'
'I think you mean working,' James said.
'I'm just saying,' James said.
'Bullshit,' Dave said.
'This is so not a good time to talk about this,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to sweep the front porch ,' James said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! My calf hurts, can you clean the toilet for me for a two hours?!"'
'You just crossed a line,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I think tiny (miniature ) leprechauns are going to wipe down the microwave for me!!"'
'What are you, seven?' James said.
'I so don't have time for this,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to change those burnt-out lightbulbs ,' James said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'Back off, buddy,' James said, 'My dog is depressed.'
'Uh huh,' Dave said with an eye roll, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of mopping the floor, eh?'
'Whatever,' Dave said.
'Fine,' James said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Dave said.
'That's what you said this morning,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I think little maids are going to clean the toilet for me!!"'
'What is this, fifth grade?' James said.
'I don't have time for this,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to do the dishes ,' James said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'Give me a break, buddy,' Dave said, 'I'm still getting over that back injury.'
'I think you mean getting high with your girlfriend,' James said.
'What about Tom?' Dave said. 'Go and pester him about cleaning the sink.'
'Uh, as if,' James said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'Give me a break, pal,' Dave said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'Gotcha,' James said sarcastically, 'and that makes you totally incapable of buying more trash bags, does it?'
'Fuck off, buddy,' Dave said, 'I don't feel well.'
'You mean away,' James said.
'Yeah, whatever,' James said.
'Incredible,' Dave said.
'Can we talk about this later,' James said.
'Heard that one before,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! Back off, I can't dust, I think I'm coming down with something!!"'
'Okay, that's seriously offensive,' Dave said.
'This is so not a good time to talk,' James said.
'And I don't have time to mop the floor ,' Dave said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I've got a toothache! I'm trying to quit smoking!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Dave said.
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Dave said. 'sweeping the floor, doing the dishes, doing the dishes...'
'Ha!' James said. 'I have literally never seen you do that.'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! Cut me some slack, I can't buy more paper towels, I've got more important things to worry about!!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' James said.
'What about Tom?' Dave said. 'Go and ask him about dusting.'
'Tom was wiping down the microwave this morning,' James said. 'How about you take a shift.'
'This is not a good time to talk about this,' Dave said.
'And I didn't have time to wipe down the microwave last week,' James said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Fuck off, buddy,' James said, 'I've got a sinus infection.'
'Or were you lounging about,' Dave said.
'I've got to go,' James said.
Tom looked serious.
'Uh Pete,' Tom said. 'It seems like I haven't seen anyone picking up the shit in the living room in recent memory.'
'Interesting,' Pete replied. 'Perhaps you haven't noticed how I've been throwing out your rotting clam dip and sweeping the floor in the past couple of months, because that's what civilized people do?'
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' Pete said.
'And I didn't have time to pay the bills this morning,' Tom said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Tom said. 'buying some kleenex, wiping down the microwave, getting the mail...'
'More like lounging about,' Pete said.
'I don't have time for this right now,' Pete said.
'You never have time for this,' Tom said.
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Tom said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Pete said.
'Back off, buddy,' Tom said, 'I'm going through this shit with my friends.'
'I think you mean looking at porn,' Pete said.
'Leave me alone, pal,' Tom said, 'My dog is depressed.'
'I get it,' Pete said with an eye roll, 'and so you're incapable of doing the dishes, does it?'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Pete said.
'And I don't have time to clean the sink ,' Tom said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I'm bipolar! I've got a sinus infection!!"'
'Okay, that's offensive,' Pete said.
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Tom said. 'changing those burned-out lightbulbs, scrubbing the shower, taking out the trash...'
'That's ridiculous,' Pete said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Tom said. 'buying new dryer sheets, vacuuming, scrubbing the shower...'
'Bullshit!' Pete said tightly. 'I have never seen you do that.'
'Leave me alone, man,' Pete said, 'I've got a lot of work to do.'
'Or were you lounging about and playing video games all day,' Tom said.
'What about Dave?' Tom said. 'Why don't you irritate him about washing the dish towels.'
'Uh, pshaw,' Pete said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'What about Dave?' Tom said. 'How about you irritate him about getting the mail.'
'Dave was sweeping the patio the other day,' Pete said. 'I think it's time you pitched in.'
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' Tom said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Pete said.
'I don't have time for this,' Tom said.
'And I don't have time to clean off the stovetop ,' Pete said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I've got a migraine! I'm still getting over that ear injury!!"'
'Okay, that's offensive,' Pete said.
'Lay off, dude,' Tom said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'You mean playing video games all day,' Pete said.
'This is not a good time to talk about this,' Pete said.
'Heard that one before,' Tom said.
'I've got to go,' Pete said.
Tom had something on his mind.
'Hey James,' Tom said. 'I couldn't help but notice I haven't seen anyone else cleaning the toilet ever.'
'Is that a fact,' James replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been scrubbing the shower and sweeping the floor in the last two days, because that's what civilized people do?'
'What about Pete?' Tom said. 'How about you irritate him about sweeping out the garage.'
'Uh, as if,' James said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'What about Pete?' Tom said. 'Why don't you irritate him about dusting.'
'Uh, pshaw,' James said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'What about Pete?' Tom said. 'How about you ask him about paying the bills.'
'Uh, yeah right,' James said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'Lay off, bro,' James said, 'I've got a sinus infection.'
'Or were you out drinking and wherever it is you go all day,' Tom said.
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' James said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I think maids are going to muck out the fridge for me!!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Tom said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Tom said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' James said.
'Fuck off, pal,' James said, 'I'm still getting over that head injury.'
'I think you mean playing video games all day and away,' Tom said.
'What about Pete?' Tom said. 'Go and ask him about getting the mail.'
'Pete was washing the dish towels yesterday,' James said. 'This is your house, too.'
'Can we talk about this later,' Tom said.
'And I don't have time to wash the dish towels ,' James said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'Incredible,' James said.
'Incredible,' Tom said.
'I've got to go,' James said.
Dave frowned.
'So Tom,' Dave said. 'It seems like I haven't seen you cleaning the toilet since, like, months ago.'
'Is that right,' Tom replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been sweeping the floor and doing the dishes in the last several hours, because that's what civilized people do?'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! Give it a rest, I can't clean off the stovetop, I've got a toothache!!"'
'What is this, first grade?' Dave said.
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to scrub the shower ,' Tom said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to wash the dish towels ,' Tom said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! My eye hurts, can you clean the sink for me for a couple of hours?!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Dave said.
'Bullshit,' Tom said.
'Whatever,' Dave said.
'Take it easy, bro,' Dave said, 'I'm bipolar.'
'I get it,' Tom said drily, 'and so you're incapable of picking up the shit in the garage, does it?'
'What about Pete?' Tom said. 'Why don't you ask him about buying more dryer sheets.'
'Pete was scrubbing the shower last night,' Dave said calmly. 'I think it's time you pitched in.'
'Can we talk about this later,' Tom said.
'You never have time for this,' Dave said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Dave said.
'And I didn't have time to pick up the shit in the hall last week,' Tom said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! My calf hurts, can you dust for me for a couple of hours?!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you trying?' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! My back hurts, can you buy some bathroom soap for me for a couple of days?!"'
'What are you, seven?' Tom said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Dave said.
'Incredible,' Tom said.
'Leave me alone, bro,' Dave said, 'My leg hurts.'
'Gotcha,' Tom said drolly, 'and so you're incapable of mucking out the fridge, apparently?'
'I've got to go,' Tom said.
Jake looked serious.
'So Tom,' Jake said. 'I noticed I haven't seen anyone dusting for a while.'
'Is that right,' Tom replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been picking up the shit in the dining room and scrubbing the shower today, because that's what civilized people do?'
'Give it a rest, man,' Tom said, 'I've got a toothache.'
'More like gone,' Jake said.
'This is not a good time to talk,' Jake said.
'Heard that one before,' Tom said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Jake said.
'Well it's not like tiny (little (miniature ) ) janitors are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Tom said.
'Leave me alone, bro,' Jake said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'I see,' Tom said viciously, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of scrubbing the shower, eh?'
'I'm just saying,' Jake said.
'I'm just saying,' Tom said.
'Give me a break, pal,' Jake said, 'I've got a toothache.'
'Oh, I see,' Tom said cynically, 'and that makes you incapable of paying the bills, it seems?'
'Cut me some slack, dude,' Tom said, 'I've got a lot on my mind.'
'I get it,' Jake said with an eye roll, 'and therefore you're incapable of sweeping the kitchen floor, huh?'
'I so don't have time for this right now,' Jake said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Tom said.
'Fuck off, dude,' Jake said, 'I'm still getting over that hand injury.'
'Don't you mean hitting the clubs,' Tom said.
'Leave me alone, pal,' Tom said, 'I've got a headache.'
'Uh huh,' Jake said drolly, 'and because of this tragedy you're totally incapable of picking up the shit in the garage, does it?'
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Jake said. 'cleaning the sink, cleaning the sink, cleaning off the stovetop...'
'That's ridiculous,' Tom said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'Back off, bro,' Tom said, 'I'm going through this shit with my girlfriend.'
'Don't you mean napping till two,' Jake said.
'What about James?' Jake said. 'Go and irritate him about buying new toilet paper.'
'Uh, pshaw,' Tom said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'What about James?' Tom said. 'Why don't you ask him about getting the mail.'
'James was throwing out your boyfriend's bad bagels the day before yesterday,' Jake said. 'It's your responsibility.'
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Tom said. 'taking out the trash, changing those burned-out lightbulbs, washing the dish towels...'
'You've got to be kidding me!' Jake said. 'I have never seen you do that. Literally.'
'I'm just saying,' Jake said.
'Whatever,' Tom said.
'This is not a good time to talk about this,' Jake said.
'Heard that one before,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! Give me a break, I can't change those burnt-out lightbulbs, I'm trying to quit smoking!!"'
'That was uncalled for,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I'm too cool to vacuum!!"'
'That's racist,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I think workers are going to vacuum for me!!"'
'What are you, two?' Jake said.
'I've got to go,' Tom said.
Tom had something on his mind.
'So Dave,' Tom said. 'I couldn't help but notice I haven't seen you cleaning the toilet for a while.'
'Interesting,' Dave replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been paying the bills and scrubbing the shower while you've been lounging about, because that's what civilized people do?'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I'm bipolar! My arm hurts!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you trying?' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! My thigh hurts, can you wipe down the microwave for me for a hours?!"'
'What are you, seven?' Dave said.
'I'm just saying,' Dave said.
'Incredible,' Tom said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Tom said.
'And I didn't have time to mop the floor this morning,' Dave said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I've got allergies! I've got a toothache!!"'
'What is this, junior high?' Tom said.
'This is so not a good time to talk,' Dave said.
'You never have time for this,' Tom said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Dave said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Tom said.
'What about Pete?' Tom said. 'Why don't you bother him about doing the dishes.'
'Uh, as if,' Dave said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'Cut me some slack, man,' Tom said, 'I've got a lot on my mind.'
'I get it,' Dave said viciously, 'and so you're incapable of vacuuming, does it?'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Dave said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Tom said.
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' Tom said.
'And I don't have time to dust ,' Dave said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'Leave me alone, pal,' Tom said, 'I'm still getting over that foot injury.'
'Oh, I see,' Dave said drolly, 'and that makes you completely incapable of cleaning the sink, huh?'
'Give it a rest, buddy,' Dave said, 'I've got allergies.'
'Or were you looking at porn,' Tom said.
'Leave me alone, dude,' Dave said, 'I've got allergies.'
'Uh huh,' Tom said tightly, 'and so you're completely incapable of changing those burned-out lightbulbs, huh?'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! Leave me alone, I can't throw out that dude's moldy clam dip, I've got a lot of work to do!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Tom said.
'I'm just saying,' Dave said.
'Bullshit,' Tom said.
'Give me a break, pal,' Dave said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'I think you mean gone,' Tom said.
'This is so not a good time to talk about this,' Tom said.
'You never have time for this,' Dave said.
'Give it a rest, man,' Tom said, 'I've got a headache.'
'Oh, I see,' Dave said sarcastically, 'and so you're incapable of sweeping the floor, hmm?'
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Dave said. 'mucking out the fridge, sweeping the floor, sweeping the floor...'
'More like wherever it is you go all day,' Tom said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Tom said.
'Well it's not like twee precious miniature leprechauns are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Dave said.
'Go easy on me, buddy,' Dave said, 'I'm going through this shit with my partner.'
'Gotcha,' Tom said viciously, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of taking out the trash, eh?'
'Lay off, pal,' Dave said, 'I've got a lot on my mind.'
'Gotcha,' Tom said drolly, 'and so you're incapable of getting the mail, does it?'
'Go easy on me, dude,' Dave said, 'My calf hurts.'
'I get it,' Tom said with an eye roll, 'and that makes you totally incapable of cleaning off the stovetop, it seems?'
'What about Pete?' Tom said. 'Go and annoy him about mopping the floor.'
'Uh, pshaw,' Dave said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'Fine,' Tom said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Dave said.
'Fuck off, bro,' Tom said, 'My leg hurts.'
'I think you mean working and playing video games all day,' Dave said.
'Lay off, man,' Tom said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'I get it,' Dave said viciously, 'and therefore you're incapable of sweeping out the garage, huh?'
'I've got to go,' Dave said.
Tom frowned.
'Hey James,' Tom said. 'I see I haven't seen anyone doing the dishes ever.'
'How fascinating,' James replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been washing the dish towels and washing the dish towels in the last couple of hours, as a favor to you all?'
'Fuck off, bro,' James said, 'I don't feel well.'
'You mean gone,' Tom said.
'This is not a good time to talk,' Tom said.
'Well it's not like elves are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I'm still getting over that foot injury! I've been busy!!"'
'Okay, that's offensive,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I'm too cool to sweep the patio!!"'
'What is this, junior high?' James said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Tom said.
'And I didn't have time to mop the floor the other day,' James said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! My toe hurts, can you scrub the shower for me for a two weeks?!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you trying?' Tom said.
'Fine,' James said.
'Fine,' Tom said.
'What about Dave?' Tom said. 'Why don't you annoy him about getting the mail.'
'Uh, okay,' James said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'Yeah, whatever,' Tom said.
'Yeah, whatever,' James said.
'This isn't a good time,' James said.
'That's what you said yesterday,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I'm bipolar! I've got a lot of work to do!!"'
'That was uncalled for,' James said.
'I've got to go,' James said.
James looked serious.
'Hey Jake,' James said. 'I noticed I haven't seen anybody mucking out the fridge in recent memory.'
'How fascinating,' Jake replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been dusting and sweeping the sidewalk in the past hours, because that's what civilized people do?'
'Give me a break, dude,' Jake said, 'I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel.'
'More like at work and watching shitty Netflix tv shows,' James said.
'Cut me some slack, man,' Jake said, 'I've been busy.'
'Or were you gone,' James said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Jake said.
'And I didn't have time to pick up the shit in the garage last week,' James said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Take it easy, man,' Jake said, 'I've got a toothache.'
'I see,' James said viciously, 'and because of this tragedy you're utterly incapable of sweeping the sidewalk, it seems?'
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I think miniature fairies are going to do the dishes for me!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you trying?' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I think adorable cute little elves are going to do the dishes for me!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you trying?' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I'm too cool to vacuum!!"'
'That was uncalled for,' Jake said.
'This isn't a good time,' James said.
'Heard that one before,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! Give it a rest, I can't buy some kleenex, I'm bipolar!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' James said.
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' James said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I think miniature (tiny ) (tiny ) elves are going to clean the toilet for me!!"'
'What are you, six?' James said.
'What about Tom?' James said. 'How about you pester him about mucking out the fridge.'
'Uh, okay,' Jake said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'This isn't a good time,' James said.
'Heard that one before,' Jake said.
'Go easy on me, bro,' Jake said, 'I've got a headache.'
'Right,' James said viciously, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of washing the dish towels, huh?'
'Fuck off, bro,' James said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'Right,' Jake said tightly, 'and because of this tragedy you're utterly incapable of changing those burned-out lightbulbs, eh?'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I'm too cool to clean the toilet!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you trying?' James said.
'Back off, dude,' James said, 'I've got a sinus infection.'
'Or were you away,' Jake said.
'What about Tom?' James said. 'How about you annoy him about scrubbing the shower.'
'Uh, as if,' Jake said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'Back off, buddy,' James said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'I see,' Jake said cynically, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of taking out the trash, huh?'
'Give it a rest, man,' James said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'More like playing video games all day,' Jake said.
'What about Tom?' James said. 'Go and pester him about sweeping the back porch.'
'Uh, pshaw,' Jake said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'I've got to go,' Jake said.
Jake frowned.
'Hey Dave,' Jake said. 'It seems to me that I haven't seen anyone sweeping the floor in a while.'
'How interesting,' Dave replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been wiping down the microwave and buying new light bulbs over the past couple of months, without asking for any credit?'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Dave said.
'You never have time for this,' Jake said.
'What about Tom?' Jake said. 'Go and ask him about dusting.'
'Uh, as if,' Dave said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'Yeah, whatever,' Dave said.
'Bullshit,' Jake said.
'Give me a break, pal,' Dave said, 'I've got a lot on my mind.'
'Don't you mean lounging about,' Jake said.
'Fuck off, man,' Dave said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'I see,' Jake said drolly, 'and therefore you're completely incapable of buying more bathroom soap, huh?'
'Give me a break, bro,' Jake said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'I think you mean getting high with your partner and hitting the clubs,' Dave said.
'Take it easy, bro,' Jake said, 'I've got a sinus infection.'
'I get it,' Dave said drily, 'and that makes you completely incapable of mopping the floor, apparently?'
'I so don't have time for this,' Jake said.
'That's what you said yesterday,' Dave said.
'Fuck off, pal,' Jake said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'Don't you mean out with your partner and at work,' Dave said.
'Fine,' Jake said.
'Whatever,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I'm too cool to throw out your bad curry!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Dave said.
'This isn't a good time,' Jake said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Dave said.
'Fuck off, bro,' Jake said, 'I've got a lot on my mind.'
'Don't you mean playing video games all day,' Dave said.
'What about Tom?' Dave said. 'Go and annoy him about scrubbing the shower.'
'Uh, as if,' Jake said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'This is so not a good time to talk,' Jake said.
'And I didn't have time to muck out the fridge yesterday,' Dave said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Fuck off, buddy,' Dave said, 'I don't feel well.'
'Gotcha,' Jake said tightly, 'and therefore you're incapable of cleaning the toilet, hmm?'
'Lay off, dude,' Jake said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'Don't you mean playing video games all day,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! Fuck off, I can't change those burnt-out lightbulbs, I've got a sinus infection!!"'
'Just stop,' Dave said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Jake said.
'And I didn't have time to pay the bills this morning,' Dave said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! Leave me alone, I can't sweep the floor, I've got a headache!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Dave said.
'Whatever,' Dave said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Jake said.
'I so don't have time for this,' Jake said.
'And I don't have time to wash the dish towels ,' Dave said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'Give it a rest, dude,' Jake said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'I see,' Dave said tightly, 'and that makes you incapable of sweeping the front porch, eh?'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I think invisible workers are going to sweep out the garage for me!!"'
'What are you, eight?' Dave said.
'Back off, bro,' Jake said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'I think you mean looking at porn,' Dave said.
'I've got to go,' Dave said.
Dave cleared his throat.
'Uh James,' Dave said. 'It seems to me that I haven't seen anyone else dusting ever.'
'Yeah,' James replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been vacuuming and buying more detergent over the past several hours, out of the goodness of my heart?'
'This isn't a good time,' Dave said.
'Heard that one before,' James said.
'This is so not a good time to talk,' Dave said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! Give it a rest, I can't pay the bills, I have to work for a living!!"'
'Just stop,' James said.
'Fine,' Dave said.
'I'm just saying,' James said.
'Fuck off, pal,' James said, 'My hand hurts.'
'I think you mean working,' Dave said.
'Incredible,' Dave said.
'Bullshit,' James said.
'Cut me some slack, pal,' James said, 'I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel.'
'Or were you watching shitty Netflix tv shows,' Dave said.
'Give me a break, buddy,' Dave said, 'My hamster is depressed.'
'Oh, I see,' James said viciously, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of sweeping out the garage, hmm?'
'This isn't a good time,' Dave said.
'Well it's not like janitors are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' James said.
'Whatever,' Dave said.
'Yeah, whatever,' James said.
'Can we talk about this later,' James said.
'And I didn't have time to pick up the shit in the living room last week,' Dave said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Whatever,' James said.
'Whatever,' Dave said.
'This is so not a good time to talk about this,' Dave said.
'Heard that one before,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! My foot hurts, can you change those burnt-out lightbulbs for me for a months?!"'
'Okay, that's seriously offensive,' Dave said.
'Leave me alone, buddy,' James said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'Right,' Dave said with an eye roll, 'and therefore you're totally incapable of changing those burned-out lightbulbs, huh?'
'Give it a rest, bro,' Dave said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'Right,' James said with an eye roll, 'and that makes you totally incapable of getting the mail, it seems?'
'This isn't a good time,' James said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Dave said.
'Unbelievable,' Dave said.
'Fine,' James said.
'I've got to go,' James said.
Tom had something on his mind.
'Uh Dave,' Tom said. 'It seems like I haven't seen anybody mopping the floor in forever.'
'Weird,' Dave replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been picking up the shit in the dining room and dusting in the last hours, just for fun?'
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Tom said.
'And I don't have time to wipe down the microwave ,' Dave said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'What about Pete?' Tom said. 'Why don't you irritate him about cleaning the sink.'
'Pete was cleaning the sink the day before yesterday,' Dave said good-naturedly. 'It's your turn.'
'What about Pete?' Dave said. 'Go and bug him about sweeping the sidewalk.'
'Uh, as if,' Tom said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! Take it easy, I can't buy some kleenex, My leg hurts!!"'
'Just stop,' Dave said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Tom said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Dave said.
'What about Pete?' Tom said. 'Go and bug him about sweeping the floor.'
'Pete was scrubbing the shower last week,' Dave said good-naturedly. 'I think it's time you pitched in.'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I think spirits are going to wipe down the microwave for me!!"'
'That was uncalled for,' Dave said.
'Take it easy, pal,' Dave said, 'I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel.'
'I think you mean wherever it is you go all day and hitting the clubs,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! My hand hurts, can you change those burnt-out lightbulbs for me for a few months?!"'
'What are you, three?' Dave said.
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Dave said. 'cleaning off the stovetop, cleaning off the stovetop, mucking out the fridge...'
'More like playing video games all day,' Tom said.
'This isn't a good time,' Dave said.
'You never have time for this,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I think fairies are going to pick up the shit in the dining room for me!!"'
'What is this, fourth grade?' Tom said.
'I so don't have time for this,' Tom said.
'And I don't have time to throw out that dude's moldy pasta sauce ,' Dave said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I'm trying to quit smoking! I've got a migraine!!"'
'What are you, six?' Dave said.
'Fuck off, dude,' Dave said, 'I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel.'
'I get it,' Tom said sarcastically, 'and so you're utterly incapable of scrubbing the shower, it seems?'
'I don't have time for this right now,' Tom said.
'That's what you said last week,' Dave said.
'This isn't a good time,' Tom said.
'And I didn't have time to dust this morning,' Dave said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'This isn't a good time,' Tom said.
'And I didn't have time to clean the sink the day before yesterday,' Dave said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Cut me some slack, dude,' Dave said, 'I've got a lot on my mind.'
'I think you mean hitting the clubs,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I'm trying to quit smoking! I have to work for a living!!"'
'That was uncalled for,' Tom said.
'I've got to go,' Dave said.
Pete looked serious.
'Uh Dave,' Pete said. 'I see I haven't seen you scrubbing the shower in a while.'
'Huh,' Dave replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been taking out the trash and changing those burned-out lightbulbs in the past hours, because that's what civilized people do?'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! My toe hurts, can you change those burnt-out lightbulbs for me for a couple of weeks?!"'
'What are you, nine?' Dave said.
'This isn't a good time,' Pete said.
'And I don't have time to buy more paper towels ,' Dave said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'Bullshit,' Pete said.
'Bullshit,' Dave said.
'What about Tom?' Pete said. 'Go and pester him about cleaning the toilet.'
'Tom was dusting last week,' Dave said. 'This is your house, too.'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! My hand hurts, can you buy some bathroom soap for me for a several days?!"'
'What is this, fourth grade?' Pete said.
'What about Tom?' Pete said. 'How about you irritate him about wiping down the microwave.'
'Uh, yeah right,' Dave said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Pete said. 'mucking out the fridge, taking out the trash, vacuuming...'
'More like away,' Dave said.
'This is not a good time to talk,' Pete said.
'And I don't have time to sweep the back porch ,' Dave said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'This is so not a good time to talk,' Pete said.
'And I don't have time to clean the sink ,' Dave said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' Pete said.
'That's what you said this morning,' Dave said.
'Lay off, dude,' Pete said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'More like gone,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! Give me a break, I can't sweep the floor, I'm bipolar!!"'
'What is this, first grade?' Dave said.
'Fuck off, pal,' Pete said, 'I've got a toothache.'
'I get it,' Dave said tightly, 'and that makes you utterly incapable of vacuuming, apparently?'
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Pete said. 'cleaning the sink, doing the dishes, getting the mail...'
'Ha!' Dave said. 'I have literally never seen you do that.'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think janitors are going to buy new light bulbs for me!!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Pete said.
'What about Tom?' Pete said. 'How about you ask him about buying more dish soap.'
'Tom was throwing out your partner's rotting curry this morning,' Dave said calmly. 'You're overdue to help out.'
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Pete said. 'dusting, getting the mail, mucking out the fridge...'
'More like at work,' Dave said.
'I so don't have time for this right now,' Pete said.
'And I didn't have time to vacuum yesterday,' Dave said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Pete said. 'getting the mail, wiping down the microwave, buying new trash bags...'
'More like gone,' Dave said.
'Lay off, buddy,' Dave said, 'I'm going through this shit with my friends.'
'Gotcha,' Pete said drolly, 'and so you're incapable of cleaning off the stovetop, apparently?'
'This is not a good time to talk about this,' Pete said.
'And I didn't have time to throw out your girlfriend's bad curry last week,' Dave said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Cut me some slack, pal,' Pete said, 'I'm still getting over that arm injury.'
'More like away,' Dave said.
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' Dave said.
'Heard that one before,' Pete said.
'I've got to go,' Dave said.
Dave coughed politely.
'Hey Pete,' Dave said. 'I couldn't help but notice I haven't seen anybody mucking out the fridge in recent memory.'
'Is that a fact,' Pete replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been doing the dishes and getting the mail in the last weeks, as a favor to you all?'
'Incredible,' Dave said.
'Bullshit,' Pete said.
'This is so not a good time to talk,' Dave said.
'Well it's not like maids are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Pete said.
'Back off, buddy,' Dave said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'Or were you gone,' Pete said.
'I so don't have time for this,' Dave said.
'You never have time for this,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! My toe hurts, can you wash the dish towels for me for a days?!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Dave said.
'Back off, bro,' Dave said, 'I'm going through this shit with my girlfriend.'
'I get it,' Pete said cynically, 'and therefore you're incapable of cleaning the sink, does it?'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think maids are going to dust for me!!"'
'What are you, five?' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! My lung hurts, can you do the dishes for me for a several hours?!"'
'What are you, four?' Pete said.
'Leave me alone, dude,' Pete said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'Oh, I see,' Dave said sarcastically, 'and so you're incapable of cleaning the toilet, eh?'
'This isn't a good time,' Dave said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Pete said.
'Back off, bro,' Dave said, 'I'm still getting over that ear injury.'
'Right,' Pete said cynically, 'and because of this tragedy you're totally incapable of changing those burned-out lightbulbs, it seems?'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! Give it a rest, I can't sweep the patio, I'm bipolar!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you trying?' Pete said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Dave said.
'That's what you said this morning,' Pete said.
'I'm just saying,' Dave said.
'Unbelievable,' Pete said.
'Leave me alone, man,' Pete said, 'I've got a lot of work to do.'
'I get it,' Dave said drolly, 'and therefore you're utterly incapable of scrubbing the shower, huh?'
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Pete said.
'And I don't have time to take out the trash ,' Dave said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'What about James?' Dave said. 'Go and bother him about changing those burned-out lightbulbs.'
'James was paying the bills the day before yesterday,' Pete said patiently. 'It's your turn.'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I'm too cool to mop the floor!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Dave said.
'What about James?' Dave said. 'How about you bug him about cleaning off the stovetop.'
'James was doing the dishes yesterday,' Pete said good-naturedly. 'I think it's time you pitched in.'
'Give me a break, man,' Dave said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'More like at school and at school,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think invisible unicorns are going to get the mail for me!!"'
'That was uncalled for,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I think maids are going to change those burnt-out lightbulbs for me!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Dave said.
'Leave me alone, buddy,' Dave said, 'I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel.'
'I see,' Pete said drily, 'and therefore you're incapable of buying new detergent, hmm?'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! Fuck off, I can't wipe down the microwave, I have to work for a living!!"'
'That was uncalled for,' Pete said.
'I've got to go,' Pete said.
Jake coughed politely.
'Uh Tom,' Jake said. 'I noticed I haven't seen anyone else changing those burned-out lightbulbs for a while.'
'Weird,' Tom replied. 'Perhaps you haven't noticed how I've been picking up the shit in the hall and wiping down the microwave a lot recently, without asking for any credit?'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Tom said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! Take it easy, I can't scrub the shower, I don't feel well!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I'm too cool to muck out the fridge!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! My leg hurts, can you clean off the stovetop for me for a few weeks?!"'
'That's racist,' Jake said.
'Bullshit,' Jake said.
'Unbelievable,' Tom said.
'This isn't a good time,' Jake said.
'That's what you said this morning,' Tom said.
'Cut me some slack, man,' Tom said, 'I've got a lot on my mind.'
'More like watching shitty Netflix tv shows,' Jake said.
'Lay off, dude,' Tom said, 'I've got a lot on my mind.'
'Don't you mean getting high with your partner and napping till two,' Jake said.
'Take it easy, bro,' Jake said, 'I've got a lot of work to do.'
'Gotcha,' Tom said drolly, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of picking up the shit in the garage, eh?'
'Give it a rest, man,' Jake said, 'I don't feel well.'
'I think you mean out drinking and napping till two,' Tom said.
'I don't have time for this,' Jake said.
'And I didn't have time to wash the dish towels last night,' Tom said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Back off, bro,' Jake said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'Right,' Tom said drolly, 'and because of this tragedy you're completely incapable of paying the bills, yeah?'
'This is not a good time to talk about this,' Tom said.
'You never have time for this,' Jake said.
'Give it a rest, bro,' Jake said, 'I'm still getting over that head injury.'
'More like out drinking,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I think miniature elves are going to pick up the shit in the dining room for me!!"'
'Just stop,' Tom said.
'Leave me alone, bro,' Tom said, 'I've got allergies.'
'Oh, I see,' Jake said sarcastically, 'and therefore you're totally incapable of wiping down the microwave, does it?'
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Tom said. 'paying the bills, dusting, mopping the floor...'
'Ha!' Jake said with an eye roll. 'I have literally never seen you do that. Never.'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Tom said.
'Well it's not like leprechauns are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Jake said.
'Unbelievable,' Jake said.
'I'm just saying,' Tom said.
'This is so not a good time to talk,' Tom said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Jake said.
'I don't have time for this,' Jake said.
'Heard that one before,' Tom said.
'Cut me some slack, buddy,' Jake said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'Oh, I see,' Tom said drily, 'and so you're utterly incapable of paying the bills, apparently?'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I'm too cool to throw out your old egg rolls!!"'
'That's racist,' Tom said.
'Leave me alone, pal,' Jake said, 'My toe hurts.'
'You mean at school,' Tom said.
'I've got to go,' Tom said.
Tom had something on his mind.
'Hey James,' Tom said. 'I noticed I haven't seen anyone else picking up the shit in the dining room since, like, months ago.'
'Is that a fact,' James replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been scrubbing the shower and cleaning the toilet in the past two days, just for fun?'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I'm too cool to clean the toilet!!"'
'What are you, nine?' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I'm too cool to clean the toilet!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I'm too cool to pay the bills!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Tom said.
'Yeah, whatever,' James said.
'Unbelievable,' Tom said.
'This is not a good time to talk about this,' Tom said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' James said.
'I'm just saying,' James said.
'Incredible,' Tom said.
'Cut me some slack, dude,' James said, 'My dog is depressed.'
'I see,' Tom said cynically, 'and so you're utterly incapable of vacuuming, does it?'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! Give me a break, I can't scrub the shower, I've got a toothache!!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' James said.
'I so don't have time for this,' Tom said.
'Well it's not like unicorns are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I'm too cool to clean off the stovetop!!"'
'What are you, four?' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! Leave me alone, I can't pick up the shit in the garage, I've got allergies!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! My back hurts, can you muck out the fridge for me for a couple of hours?!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' James said.
'Give me a break, bro,' Tom said, 'I'm bipolar.'
'You mean watching shitty Netflix tv shows,' James said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Tom said.
'That's what you said yesterday,' James said.
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' James said. 'throwing out your boyfriend's old burritos, paying the bills, sweeping the patio...'
'More like wherever it is you go all day,' Tom said.
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' James said. 'throwing out your partner's bad sushi, washing the dish towels, doing the dishes...'
'That's ridiculous,' Tom said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'Leave me alone, dude,' James said, 'I'm still getting over that neck injury.'
'You mean napping till two,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I've got a lot on my mind! I've got more important things to worry about!!"'
'Okay, that's offensive,' James said.
'What about Jake?' James said. 'Go and ask him about buying some toilet paper.'
'Uh, sure,' Tom said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'I don't have time for this right now,' James said.
'And I didn't have time to wipe down the microwave the other day,' Tom said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' James said.
'And I didn't have time to pick up the shit in the living room this morning,' Tom said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'This is not a good time to talk about this,' Tom said.
'Well it's not like invisible unicorns are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' James said.
'What about Jake?' James said. 'Why don't you ask him about cleaning the toilet.'
'Uh, okay,' Tom said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'Bullshit,' Tom said.
'Bullshit,' James said.
'There's no end to what I do around here?' James said. 'getting the mail, sweeping out the garage, vacuuming...'
'Bullshit!' Tom said. 'I have literally never seen you do that.'
'Bullshit,' Tom said.
'Incredible,' James said.
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Tom said.
'And I don't have time to mop the floor ,' James said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'I've got to go,' James said.
Tom coughed politely.
'Hey Pete,' Tom said. 'I noticed I haven't seen anyone sweeping the front porch in a while.'
'Oh really,' Pete replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been changing those burned-out lightbulbs and sweeping the floor in the past weeks, as a favor to you all?'
'What about Jake?' Tom said. 'Why don't you bother him about cleaning the toilet.'
'Jake was taking out the trash this morning,' Pete said patiently. 'How about you take a shift.'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! Leave me alone, I can't vacuum, I think I'm coming down with something!!"'
'Okay, that's seriously offensive,' Pete said.
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Tom said. 'paying the bills, sweeping the patio, sweeping the kitchen floor...'
'That's ridiculous,' Pete said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think invisible (tiny ) leprechauns are going to vacuum for me!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Pete said.
'Lay off, dude,' Tom said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'Right,' Pete said drolly, 'and because of this tragedy you're completely incapable of washing the dish towels, yeah?'
'Back off, bro,' Tom said, 'I've got allergies.'
'I think you mean wherever it is you go all day and at work,' Pete said.
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Tom said.
'Heard that one before,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I think precious little (tiny ) elves are going to throw out that dude's rotting bagels for me!!"'
'What are you, two?' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! My hand hurts, can you mop the floor for me for a months?!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Pete said.
'What about Jake?' Pete said. 'How about you bother him about throwing out your old burritos.'
'Uh, okay,' Tom said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! My ear hurts, can you clean the sink for me for a weeks?!"'
'What are you, four?' Pete said.
'This isn't a good time,' Tom said.
'And I didn't have time to sweep the floor the day before yesterday,' Pete said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'This isn't a good time,' Tom said.
'That's what you said this morning,' Pete said.
'Incredible,' Pete said.
'Unbelievable,' Tom said.
'Fuck off, pal,' Pete said, 'I've got a lot of work to do.'
'Gotcha,' Tom said tightly, 'and because of this tragedy you're totally incapable of sweeping the sidewalk, it seems?'
'Go easy on me, dude,' Tom said, 'I'm still getting over that toe injury.'
'Don't you mean at work and playing video games all day,' Pete said.
'Take it easy, man,' Tom said, 'I'm still getting over that back injury.'
'More like out drinking,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I've been busy! My eye hurts!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Tom said.
'I've got to go,' Pete said.
Jake frowned.
'So Tom,' Jake said. 'I see I haven't seen anyone sweeping the patio since, like, months ago.'
'Weird,' Tom replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been washing the dish towels and taking out the trash a lot recently, without asking for any credit?'
'Yeah, whatever,' Tom said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Jake said.
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Jake said. 'mopping the floor, getting the mail, washing the dish towels...'
'Bullshit!' Tom said drily. 'I have literally never seen you do that.'
'I'm just saying,' Jake said.
'Bullshit,' Tom said.
'What about Dave?' Tom said. 'Go and ask him about paying the bills.'
'Dave was sweeping the floor last week,' Jake said good-naturedly. 'It's your turn.'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Jake said.
'That's what you said last week,' Tom said.
'What about Dave?' Jake said. 'How about you bug him about mucking out the fridge.'
'Uh, yeah right,' Tom said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'What about Dave?' Jake said. 'Go and ask him about washing the dish towels.'
'Dave was sweeping the floor the day before yesterday,' Tom said good-naturedly. 'It's your turn.'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! My eye hurts, can you sweep the floor for me for a weeks?!"'
'What is this, first grade?' Tom said.
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Jake said. 'buying more shampoo, washing the dish towels, picking up the shit in the dining room...'
'That's ridiculous,' Tom said viciously, 'you never do shit like that.'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! My hand hurts, can you pick up the shit in the living room for me for a two weeks?!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I think spirits are going to do the dishes for me!!"'
'Just stop,' Tom said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Jake said.
'Whatever,' Tom said.
'I've got to go,' Tom said.
Dave frowned.
'So Tom,' Dave said. 'It seems to me that I haven't seen anyone else doing the dishes since, like, months ago.'
'Huh,' Tom replied. 'Perhaps you haven't noticed how I've been buying some detergent and paying the bills in the last couple of hours, as a favor to you all?'
'What about James?' Dave said. 'How about you bug him about throwing out that dude's rotting take-out.'
'Uh, pshaw,' Tom said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'Whatever,' Tom said.
'Whatever,' Dave said.
'What about James?' Dave said. 'Go and pester him about cleaning the toilet.'
'James was taking out the trash this morning,' Tom said patiently. 'It's your responsibility.'
'Incredible,' Dave said.
'Unbelievable,' Tom said.
'Give me a break, dude,' Dave said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'Or were you out drinking,' Tom said.
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Dave said. 'sweeping the patio, picking up the shit in the living room, washing the dish towels...'
'More like looking at porn,' Tom said.
'What about James?' Dave said. 'How about you pester him about mopping the floor.'
'Uh, as if,' Tom said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'Cut me some slack, dude,' Dave said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'Right,' Tom said cynically, 'and so you're incapable of vacuuming, it seems?'
'Back off, pal,' Dave said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'More like out drinking,' Tom said.
'What about James?' Dave said. 'How about you annoy him about mucking out the fridge.'
'Uh, yeah right,' Tom said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'Fine,' Dave said.
'Fine,' Tom said.
'Fine,' Dave said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Tom said.
'Leave me alone, man,' Dave said, 'I've got a lot of work to do.'
'You mean napping till two,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I think fairies are going to change those burnt-out lightbulbs for me!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you trying?' Dave said.
'This is not a good time to talk about this,' Tom said.
'And I didn't have time to muck out the fridge this morning,' Dave said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Whatever,' Dave said.
'Incredible,' Tom said.
'Go easy on me, buddy,' Tom said, 'My dog is depressed.'
'I think you mean looking at porn,' Dave said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Dave said.
'Well it's not like invisible janitors are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Tom said.
'What about James?' Tom said. 'How about you ask him about mucking out the fridge.'
'Uh, sure,' Dave said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'This isn't a good time,' Tom said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Dave said.
'I've got to go,' Tom said.
Pete cleared his throat.
'Hey Dave,' Pete said. 'I noticed I haven't seen anyone dusting lately.'
'Is that a fact,' Dave replied. 'Perhaps you haven't noticed how I've been washing the dish towels and picking up the shit in the living room over the past two hours, just for fun?'
'Incredible,' Dave said.
'Incredible,' Pete said.
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Dave said. 'paying the bills, sweeping the floor, picking up the shit in the garage...'
'That's ridiculous,' Pete said cynically, 'you never do shit like that.'
'Yeah, whatever,' Pete said.
'I'm just saying,' Dave said.
'I don't have time for this right now,' Pete said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Dave said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Pete said.
'And I don't have time to wash the dish towels ,' Dave said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think miniature (invisible (invisible ) ) maids are going to clean off the stovetop for me!!"'
'What is this, third grade?' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I'm too cool to wash the dish towels!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you literally trying?' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I've got a toothache! I've got a lot on my mind!!"'
'That was uncalled for,' Pete said.
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Pete said. 'doing the dishes, picking up the shit in the dining room, cleaning the sink...'
'You've got to be kidding me!' Dave said cynically. 'I have literally never seen you do that.'
'This is so not a good time to talk,' Pete said.
'And I didn't have time to wipe down the microwave yesterday,' Dave said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'What about Jake?' Dave said. 'Go and irritate him about scrubbing the shower.'
'Jake was wiping down the microwave this morning,' Pete said patiently. 'I think it's time you pitched in.'
'Can we talk about this later,' Dave said.
'And I didn't have time to muck out the fridge yesterday,' Pete said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Bullshit,' Pete said.
'I'm just saying,' Dave said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Pete said.
'Well it's not like tiny fairies are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Dave said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Dave said.
'Fine,' Pete said.
'What about Jake?' Dave said. 'Why don't you bother him about scrubbing the shower.'
'Uh, as if,' Pete said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! My head hurts, can you clean the toilet for me for a couple of months?!"'
'Okay, that's seriously offensive,' Pete said.
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Pete said. 'picking up the shit in the garage, mucking out the fridge, getting the mail...'
'More like lounging about,' Dave said.
'Back off, bro,' Pete said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'You mean gone,' Dave said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Pete said.
'Fine,' Dave said.
'I've got to go,' Dave said.
James frowned.
'Hey Dave,' James said. 'I noticed I haven't seen anyone cleaning off the stovetop for a while.'
'How interesting,' Dave replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been picking up the shit in the dining room and changing those burned-out lightbulbs in the last two days, because that's what civilized people do?'
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I think workers are going to wash the dish towels for me!!"'
'What are you, four?' Dave said.
'Take it easy, bro,' James said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'Or were you watching cat videos,' Dave said.
'Fine,' Dave said.
'Incredible,' James said.
'Give me a break, dude,' Dave said, 'I don't feel well.'
'I get it,' James said viciously, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of changing those burned-out lightbulbs, does it?'
'Go easy on me, pal,' Dave said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'Oh, I see,' James said viciously, 'and so you're completely incapable of getting the mail, it seems?'
'This isn't a good time,' James said.
'Well it's not like elves are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Dave said.
'Bullshit,' James said.
'Fine,' Dave said.
'What about Jake?' Dave said. 'Go and irritate him about getting the mail.'
'Jake was changing those burned-out lightbulbs yesterday,' James said patiently. 'You're overdue to help out.'
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I think twee invisible fairies are going to scrub the shower for me!!"'
'What are you, two?' Dave said.
'Give me a break, man,' Dave said, 'I'm going through this shit with my boyfriend.'
'Uh huh,' James said tightly, 'and therefore you're completely incapable of vacuuming, huh?'
'Leave me alone, pal,' Dave said, 'I've been busy.'
'Or were you napping till two,' James said.
'This is not a good time to talk about this,' James said.
'Heard that one before,' Dave said.
'What about Jake?' James said. 'How about you irritate him about mucking out the fridge.'
'Uh, pshaw,' Dave said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'Yeah, whatever,' James said.
'Whatever,' Dave said.
'Unbelievable,' James said.
'I'm just saying,' Dave said.
'Go easy on me, pal,' Dave said, 'I've been busy.'
'Gotcha,' James said drily, 'and that makes you incapable of sweeping the back porch, huh?'
'This is not a good time to talk about this,' Dave said.
'And I don't have time to vacuum ,' James said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'I've got to go,' Dave said.
Dave looked serious.
'Hey Pete,' Dave said. 'It seems to me that I haven't seen you mopping the floor in a while.'
'How fascinating,' Pete replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been washing the dish towels and getting the mail in the last few weeks, without asking for any credit?'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! My hand hurts, can you pay the bills for me for a couple of hours?!"'
'What are you, four?' Pete said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Pete said.
'And I didn't have time to pay the bills the other day,' Dave said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'I so don't have time for this,' Dave said.
'That's what you said yesterday,' Pete said.
'Incredible,' Dave said.
'Unbelievable,' Pete said.
'Cut me some slack, dude,' Pete said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'I get it,' Dave said drily, 'and so you're incapable of mopping the floor, yeah?'
'Give it a rest, bro,' Dave said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'More like working and watching cat videos,' Pete said.
'Bullshit,' Pete said.
'Unbelievable,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I think little (little (pink little ) ) fairies are going to sweep the floor for me!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Dave said.
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Dave said. 'cleaning the toilet, sweeping the floor, cleaning off the stovetop...'
'Bullshit!' Pete said sarcastically. 'I have literally never seen you do that.'
'You want me to list what I do around here?' Dave said. 'doing the dishes, mucking out the fridge, scrubbing the shower...'
'That's ridiculous,' Pete said tightly, 'you never do shit like that.'
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Pete said. 'changing those burned-out lightbulbs, doing the dishes, mucking out the fridge...'
'That's ridiculous,' Dave said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'Give it a rest, bro,' Dave said, 'I've got a sinus infection.'
'I think you mean watching cat videos,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! Cut me some slack, I can't buy some wet wipes, I've got a lot on my mind!!"'
'What is this, junior high?' Pete said.
'Leave me alone, buddy,' Pete said, 'I've got a headache.'
'Oh, I see,' Dave said cynically, 'and because of this tragedy you're totally incapable of picking up the shit in the hall, eh?'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I'm too cool to muck out the fridge!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Pete said.
'I've got to go,' Pete said.
Tom coughed politely.
'Hey Jake,' Tom said. 'It seems like I haven't seen you doing the dishes for a long time.'
'Yeah,' Jake replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been throwing out your friends's rotting pasta sauce and getting the mail recently, because that's what civilized people do?'
'Back off, pal,' Tom said, 'I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel.'
'More like napping till two,' Jake said.
'Take it easy, pal,' Tom said, 'I've got allergies.'
'I get it,' Jake said tightly, 'and because of this tragedy you're completely incapable of sweeping the patio, eh?'
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I'm too cool to clean the sink!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Tom said.
'Fuck off, dude,' Tom said, 'I'm bipolar.'
'Don't you mean getting high with your partner,' Jake said.
'Cut me some slack, buddy,' Jake said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'I see,' Tom said with an eye roll, 'and because of this tragedy you're completely incapable of washing the dish towels, apparently?'
'I don't have time for this,' Tom said.
'Well it's not like tiny leprechauns are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Jake said.
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Jake said. 'getting the mail, cleaning off the stovetop, sweeping the floor...'
'More like wherever it is you go all day,' Tom said.
'I'm just saying,' Tom said.
'Whatever,' Jake said.
'This isn't a good time,' Jake said.
'And I didn't have time to scrub the shower yesterday,' Tom said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Can we talk about this later,' Jake said.
'You never have time for this,' Tom said.
'Take it easy, buddy,' Tom said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'I get it,' Jake said sarcastically, 'and therefore you're utterly incapable of getting the mail, eh?'
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Tom said. 'cleaning the toilet, sweeping the floor, cleaning off the stovetop...'
'You've got to be kidding me!' Jake said. 'I have never seen you do that.'
'This is not a good time to talk about this,' Jake said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Tom said.
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Tom said. 'dusting, doing the dishes, dusting...'
'You've got to be kidding me!' Jake said. 'I have never seen you do that.'
'Give me a break, buddy,' Tom said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'Right,' Jake said viciously, 'and so you're incapable of cleaning the toilet, eh?'
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Jake said. 'sweeping the floor, vacuuming, vacuuming...'
'Bullshit!' Tom said. 'I have literally never seen you do that. Literally.'
'I don't have time for this right now,' Jake said.
'And I don't have time to wash the dish towels ,' Tom said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'Leave me alone, pal,' Tom said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'Oh, I see,' Jake said viciously, 'and that makes you completely incapable of paying the bills, yeah?'
'This isn't a good time,' Tom said.
'And I didn't have time to take out the trash yesterday,' Jake said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Lay off, dude,' Jake said, 'I've got a toothache.'
'I see,' Tom said drily, 'and therefore you're utterly incapable of doing the dishes, apparently?'
'What about Dave?' Jake said. 'How about you bother him about vacuuming.'
'Uh, pshaw,' Tom said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! Back off, I can't buy some bathroom soap, I'm bipolar!!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Jake said.
'I've got to go,' Jake said.
James cleared his throat.
'Uh Pete,' James said. 'It seems to me that I haven't seen anybody sweeping the kitchen floor since, like, months ago.'
'Oh really,' Pete replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been taking out the trash and cleaning the toilet today, just for fun?'
'Give me a break, man,' James said, 'My dog is depressed.'
'I think you mean watching cat videos and at work,' Pete said.
'Fine,' James said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Pete said.
'Yeah, whatever,' James said.
'Incredible,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I'm too cool to clean the sink!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you trying?' Pete said.
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Pete said. 'wiping down the microwave, sweeping out the garage, getting the mail...'
'More like away,' James said.
'This is not a good time to talk,' James said.
'Heard that one before,' Pete said.
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' James said. 'buying new bathroom soap, dusting, throwing out your old leftovers...'
'More like hitting the clubs,' Pete said.
'You want me to list what I do around here?' James said. 'mucking out the fridge, scrubbing the shower, taking out the trash...'
'That's ridiculous,' Pete said viciously, 'you never do shit like that.'
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Pete said. 'cleaning the sink, dusting, picking up the shit in the dining room...'
'More like out with your partner,' James said.
'What about Tom?' James said. 'How about you irritate him about doing the dishes.'
'Uh, sure,' Pete said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I'm still getting over that eye injury! I think I'm coming down with something!!"'
'What is this, fifth grade?' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I think spirits are going to scrub the shower for me!!"'
'Just stop,' James said.
'Take it easy, buddy,' Pete said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'Oh, I see,' James said cynically, 'and because of this tragedy you're completely incapable of getting the mail, hmm?'
'There's no end to what I do around here?' James said. 'scrubbing the shower, cleaning off the stovetop, paying the bills...'
'Bullshit!' Pete said. 'I have literally never seen you do that. Never.'
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Pete said. 'taking out the trash, cleaning the toilet, scrubbing the shower...'
'Bullshit!' James said. 'I have never seen you do that.'
'Whatever,' James said.
'Fine,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I've got a toothache! I'm trying to quit smoking!!"'
'What are you, two?' Pete said.
'I've got to go,' Pete said.
Dave cleared his throat.
'So Tom,' Dave said. 'I noticed I haven't seen anyone mucking out the fridge in a while.'
'Is that a fact,' Tom replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been vacuuming and sweeping the patio in the past months, out of the goodness of my heart?'
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Dave said. 'picking up the shit in the garage, throwing out your boyfriend's rotting clam dip, mopping the floor...'
'Bullshit!' Tom said cynically. 'I have never seen you do that.'
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Dave said.
'Well it's not like twee little (adorable twee precious little (little ) ) fairies are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I think janitors are going to buy some shampoo for me!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Dave said.
'Back off, man,' Dave said, 'I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel.'
'Oh, I see,' Tom said with an eye roll, 'and that makes you completely incapable of getting the mail, does it?'
'Incredible,' Dave said.
'Bullshit,' Tom said.
'Incredible,' Dave said.
'Incredible,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I think tiny leprechauns are going to take out the trash for me!!"'
'What are you, seven?' Tom said.
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' Dave said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I think little (precious little ) maids are going to sweep the kitchen floor for me!!"'
'Just stop,' Tom said.
'I'm just saying,' Dave said.
'Fine,' Tom said.
'I so don't have time for this,' Tom said.
'Well it's not like leprechauns are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I've got a migraine! I think I'm coming down with something!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I'm too cool to clean the sink!!"'
'That was uncalled for,' Dave said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Tom said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Dave said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Tom said.
'Heard that one before,' Dave said.
'I so don't have time for this,' Dave said.
'Well it's not like leprechauns are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Tom said.
'There's no end to what I do around here?' Tom said. 'sweeping the kitchen floor, throwing out that dude's bad take-out, mopping the floor...'
'Bullshit!' Dave said viciously. 'I have never seen you do that. Literally.'
'This isn't a good time,' Tom said.
'And I don't have time to pick up the shit in the garage ,' Dave said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! I've got more important things to worry about! I don't feel well!!"'
'Okay, that's offensive,' Tom said.
'I've got to go,' Tom said.
Pete coughed politely.
'Uh James,' Pete said. 'It seems to me that I haven't seen anyone else vacuuming for a long time.'
'Huh,' James replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been cleaning the sink and mopping the floor in the last few hours, just for fun?'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I think leprechauns are going to pick up the shit in the living room for me!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you trying?' James said.
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Pete said. 'getting the mail, throwing out your old bagels, buying new dryer sheets...'
'More like working,' James said.
'Give it a rest, buddy,' Pete said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'Oh, I see,' James said cynically, 'and because of this tragedy you're totally incapable of mucking out the fridge, does it?'
'What about Dave?' Pete said. 'Why don't you annoy him about cleaning off the stovetop.'
'Uh, okay,' James said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'Cut me some slack, bro,' James said, 'My calf hurts.'
'I see,' Pete said drily, 'and that makes you incapable of vacuuming, huh?'
'Lay off, pal,' Pete said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'You mean napping till two and out drinking,' James said.
'Take it easy, dude,' Pete said, 'I'm bipolar.'
'Right,' James said drily, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of doing the dishes, yeah?'
'Go easy on me, buddy,' James said, 'My eye hurts.'
'I see,' Pete said drolly, 'and therefore you're incapable of taking out the trash, hmm?'
'Cut me some slack, dude,' Pete said, 'I don't feel well.'
'Gotcha,' James said cynically, 'and that makes you incapable of sweeping the floor, yeah?'
'This isn't a good time,' Pete said.
'And I don't have time to pay the bills ,' James said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'I'm just saying,' James said.
'Unbelievable,' Pete said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Pete said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' James said.
'Lay off, pal,' Pete said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'Gotcha,' James said sarcastically, 'and because of this tragedy you're totally incapable of sweeping the kitchen floor, hmm?'
'Go easy on me, pal,' Pete said, 'I'm bipolar.'
'Oh, I see,' James said drolly, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of cleaning off the stovetop, does it?'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I've got a headache! I'm going through this shit with my friends!!"'
'What are you, eight?' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I think workers are going to mop the floor for me!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' James said.
'Bullshit,' Pete said.
'Unbelievable,' James said.
'Take it easy, pal,' James said, 'I've been busy.'
'Don't you mean watching shitty Netflix tv shows,' Pete said.
'I don't have time for this,' James said.
'And I didn't have time to buy new Windex this morning,' Pete said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Cut me some slack, dude,' James said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'More like napping till two and watching shitty Netflix tv shows,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think tiny elves are going to do the dishes for me!!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Pete said.
'Fine,' Pete said.
'Unbelievable,' James said.
'Go easy on me, buddy,' Pete said, 'I've got a headache.'
'I think you mean lounging about,' James said.
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Pete said.
'And I didn't have time to mop the floor last week,' James said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Incredible,' Pete said.
'Unbelievable,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! Lay off, I can't throw out your boyfriend's rotting lasagna, I don't feel well!!"'
'What are you, nine?' James said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Pete said.
'You never have time for this,' James said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Pete said.
'You never have time for this,' James said.
'Go easy on me, pal,' Pete said, 'I've got a lot of work to do.'
'Don't you mean hitting the clubs and hitting the clubs,' James said.
'What about Dave?' Pete said. 'Why don't you ask him about getting the mail.'
'Dave was cleaning the sink yesterday,' James said. 'You're overdue to help out.'
'Whatever,' Pete said.
'Incredible,' James said.
'I've got to go,' James said.
Pete looked serious.
'So Jake,' Pete said. 'I see I haven't seen anyone mopping the floor for a while.'
'Is that right,' Jake replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been changing those burned-out lightbulbs and mucking out the fridge over the past couple of months, without asking for any credit?'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! Cut me some slack, I can't vacuum, My cat is depressed!!"'
'What are you, five?' Jake said.
'This is so not a good time to talk,' Pete said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! My leg hurts, can you muck out the fridge for me for a months?!"'
'Just stop,' Pete said.
'I'm just saying,' Pete said.
'Unbelievable,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! Take it easy, I can't buy more toilet paper, I'm trying to quit smoking!!"'
'That was uncalled for,' Jake said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Pete said.
'And I didn't have time to pay the bills last week,' Jake said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Back off, buddy,' Pete said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'You mean working,' Jake said.
'Lay off, pal,' Pete said, 'I've got allergies.'
'Or were you napping till two,' Jake said.
'I don't have time for this,' Pete said.
'And I didn't have time to buy some paper towels the day before yesterday,' Jake said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Go easy on me, man,' Jake said, 'I've got a sinus infection.'
'I get it,' Pete said drolly, 'and therefore you're utterly incapable of changing those burned-out lightbulbs, eh?'
'What about Tom?' Pete said. 'Go and bug him about buying some toilet paper.'
'Uh, sure,' Jake said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'What about Tom?' Pete said. 'Why don't you pester him about taking out the trash.'
'Uh, whatever,' Jake said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Pete said. 'vacuuming, cleaning the sink, cleaning the toilet...'
'Pshaw!' Jake said viciously. 'I have literally never seen you do that. Literally.'
'Cut me some slack, bro,' Jake said, 'I've got allergies.'
'Or were you wherever it is you go all day and at school,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! My back hurts, can you pay the bills for me for a two days?!"'
'Just stop,' Jake said.
'What about Tom?' Pete said. 'Go and bother him about mopping the floor.'
'Uh, yeah right,' Jake said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I've got a migraine! I've got a toothache!!"'
'Okay, that's offensive,' Jake said.
'Leave me alone, bro,' Pete said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'Or were you wherever it is you go all day,' Jake said.
'What about Tom?' Jake said. 'Why don't you bug him about vacuuming.'
'Tom was picking up the shit in the dining room the day before yesterday,' Pete said. 'You're overdue to help out.'
'I've got to go,' Jake said.
Tom cleared his throat.
'Uh Pete,' Tom said. 'I couldn't help but notice I haven't seen anybody dusting for a long time.'
'Interesting,' Pete replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been throwing out that dude's old egg rolls and mopping the floor today, as a favor to you all?'
'Incredible,' Tom said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Pete said.
'Back off, dude,' Tom said, 'My dog is depressed.'
'You mean hitting the clubs,' Pete said.
'This isn't a good time,' Tom said.
'You never have time for this,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! Give me a break, I can't wash the dish towels, I've been busy!!"'
'What are you, four?' Tom said.
'This is not a good time to talk,' Pete said.
'And I didn't have time to get the mail last night,' Tom said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think fairies are going to buy some wet wipes for me!!"'
'That's literally the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! My eye hurts, can you wipe down the microwave for me for a two months?!"'
'That was uncalled for,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! My thigh hurts! I'm still getting over that neck injury!!"'
'What are you, six?' Pete said.
'Leave me alone, dude,' Tom said, 'I've got a headache.'
'Or were you gone,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I'm too cool to clean the toilet!!"'
'What is this, junior high?' Pete said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Tom said.
'And I don't have time to vacuum ,' Pete said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'This isn't a good time,' Pete said.
'Well it's not like fairies are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I've got a headache! I've got allergies!!"'
'What is this, third grade?' Pete said.
'What about Jake?' Pete said. 'How about you bother him about taking out the trash.'
'Jake was cleaning the sink this morning,' Tom said patiently. 'This is your house, too.'
'Unbelievable,' Tom said.
'Unbelievable,' Pete said.
'This isn't a good time,' Tom said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Pete said.
'Fuck off, bro,' Tom said, 'I've got a toothache.'
'I get it,' Pete said tightly, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of scrubbing the shower, hmm?'
'I've got to go,' Pete said.
James cleared his throat.
'Hey Pete,' James said. 'It seems like I haven't seen anyone mucking out the fridge lately.'
'Oh really,' Pete replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been cleaning the sink and changing those burned-out lightbulbs over the past couple of hours, without asking for any credit?'
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think unicorns are going to take out the trash for me!!"'
'That was uncalled for,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! Cut me some slack, I can't muck out the fridge, I'm trying to quit smoking!!"'
'What are you, three?' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think I'm coming down with something! My lung hurts!!"'
'Just stop,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! Leave me alone, I can't mop the floor, I've got a lot on my mind!!"'
'That's racist,' Pete said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' James said.
'And I didn't have time to get the mail this morning,' Pete said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Take it easy, dude,' Pete said, 'I'm going through this shit with my boyfriend.'
'Gotcha,' James said drily, 'and therefore you're totally incapable of buying new shampoo, yeah?'
'Back off, man,' James said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'You mean gone and napping till two,' Pete said.
'Unbelievable,' James said.
'Bullshit,' Pete said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' James said.
'You never have time for this,' Pete said.
'Bullshit,' James said.
'Whatever,' Pete said.
'This is so not a good time to talk,' Pete said.
'And I don't have time to clean the toilet ,' James said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' James said. 'cleaning the sink, changing those burned-out lightbulbs, throwing out your old eggplants...'
'More like hitting the clubs,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think maids are going to muck out the fridge for me!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Pete said.
'Fuck off, bro,' James said, 'My toe hurts.'
'You mean at work and playing video games all day,' Pete said.
'Give it a rest, bro,' James said, 'I'm going through this shit with my girlfriend.'
'Don't you mean watching cat videos,' Pete said.
'What about Dave?' Pete said. 'How about you pester him about dusting.'
'Dave was taking out the trash yesterday,' James said. 'This is your house, too.'
'What about Dave?' James said. 'Why don't you bug him about dusting.'
'Uh, okay,' Pete said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'This isn't a good time,' James said.
'And I didn't have time to get the mail the day before yesterday,' Pete said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! My head hurts, can you sweep the floor for me for a several days?!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Pete said.
'Go easy on me, buddy,' James said, 'My dog is depressed.'
'You mean napping till two and napping till two,' Pete said.
'Back off, buddy,' Pete said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'Uh huh,' James said sarcastically, 'and that makes you completely incapable of cleaning off the stovetop, eh?'
'I've got to go,' Pete said.
Jake had something on his mind.
'So James,' Jake said. 'I couldn't help but notice I haven't seen anybody cleaning the toilet in recent memory.'
'Is that right,' James replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been buying some light bulbs and mucking out the fridge recently, just for fun?'
'What about Pete?' Jake said. 'How about you pester him about scrubbing the shower.'
'Pete was cleaning off the stovetop last week,' James said patiently. 'It's your turn.'
'Cut me some slack, dude,' Jake said, 'I'm going through this shit with my partner.'
'Don't you mean playing video games all day,' James said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Jake said.
'And I didn't have time to buy some Windex this morning,' James said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'This isn't a good time,' Jake said.
'Well it's not like spirits are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' James said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Jake said.
'Incredible,' James said.
'I'm just saying,' Jake said.
'Whatever,' James said.
'Lay off, dude,' Jake said, 'My neck hurts.'
'Gotcha,' James said with an eye roll, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of changing those burned-out lightbulbs, yeah?'
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! My eye hurts, can you do the dishes for me for a days?!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Jake said.
'This is not a good time to talk,' Jake said.
'That's what you said last week,' James said.
'Unbelievable,' James said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Jake said.
'Back off, bro,' Jake said, 'I've been busy.'
'I think you mean playing video games all day and at school,' James said.
'Whatever,' James said.
'Whatever,' Jake said.
'I'm just saying,' James said.
'Bullshit,' Jake said.
'I've got to go,' James said.
James frowned.
'So Pete,' James said. 'It seems like I haven't seen you buying more dish soap in forever.'
'Weird,' Pete replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been throwing out your old take-out and washing the dish towels over the past several days, because that's what civilized people do?'
'Give me a break, bro,' James said, 'I've got allergies.'
'You mean wherever it is you go all day,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I think leprechauns are going to clean the toilet for me!!"'
'What are you, four?' Pete said.
'Give me a break, buddy,' James said, 'I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel.'
'I think you mean napping till two,' Pete said.
'Bullshit,' Pete said.
'Fine,' James said.
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' James said. 'doing the dishes, wiping down the microwave, picking up the shit in the dining room...'
'More like getting high with your boyfriend,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I'm too cool to buy some stamps!!"'
'What is this, junior high?' Pete said.
'Can we talk about this later,' James said.
'Well it's not like fairies are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! My lung hurts, can you pick up the shit in the hall for me for a several hours?!"'
'What is this, first grade?' Pete said.
'Go easy on me, man,' Pete said, 'I have to work for a living.'
'I see,' James said drily, 'and that makes you incapable of paying the bills, it seems?'
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! Lay off, I can't wash the dish towels, I've got a lot on my mind!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' Pete said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Pete said.
'Heard that one before,' James said.
'This isn't a good time,' James said.
'And I didn't have time to sweep the floor this morning,' Pete said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Can we talk about this later,' Pete said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' James said.
'I've got to go,' Pete said.
James coughed politely.
'Hey Dave,' James said. 'It seems to me that I haven't seen anybody mopping the floor ever.'
'Oh really,' Dave replied. 'Maybe you haven't noticed how I've been cleaning the sink and cleaning off the stovetop over the past few days, out of the goodness of my heart?'
'What about Pete?' James said. 'How about you annoy him about throwing out your moldy bagels.'
'Uh, as if,' Dave said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' James said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Dave said.
'This isn't a good time,' James said.
'Heard that one before,' Dave said.
'Lay off, pal,' James said, 'I'm bipolar.'
'I think you mean away,' Dave said.
'Go easy on me, buddy,' James said, 'I've been busy.'
'Right,' Dave said drolly, 'and because of this tragedy you're completely incapable of wiping down the microwave, it seems?'
'This isn't a good time,' James said.
'And I don't have time to clean the toilet ,' Dave said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'This is so not a good time to talk about this,' James said.
'And I don't have time to take out the trash ,' Dave said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' James said.
'And I didn't have time to clean the toilet this morning,' Dave said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I've got a sinus infection! I've got a sinus infection!!"'
'What is this, kindergarten?' Dave said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I think miniature spirits are going to buy more wet wipes for me!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' Dave said.
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' Dave said. 'dusting, changing those burned-out lightbulbs, changing those burned-out lightbulbs...'
'That's ridiculous,' James said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'What about Pete?' James said. 'Why don't you ask him about scrubbing the shower.'
'Pete was cleaning the toilet this morning,' Dave said. 'How about you take a shift.'
'You're always making excuses,' Dave said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! Go easy on me, I can't clean off the stovetop, I think I'm coming down with something!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' James said.
'Cut me some slack, man,' James said, 'I've got allergies.'
'You mean wherever it is you go all day,' Dave said.
'This is so not a good time to talk,' James said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' Dave said.
'This is not a good time to talk,' James said.
'Well it's not like maids are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Dave said.
'Can we talk about this later,' James said.
'And I didn't have time to clean the toilet this morning,' Dave said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Leave me alone, man,' James said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'Right,' Dave said sarcastically, 'and therefore you're incapable of mucking out the fridge, eh?'
'Back off, dude,' James said, 'I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel.'
'Gotcha,' Dave said drily, 'and so you're incapable of cleaning off the stovetop, eh?'
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Dave! I'm too cool to wash the dish towels!!"'
'Okay, that's seriously offensive,' Dave said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' Dave said.
'And I didn't have time to throw out your bad pasta sauce the other day,' James said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'I've got to go,' Dave said.
James had something on his mind.
'Uh Jake,' James said. 'It seems to me that I haven't seen anyone vacuuming since, like, months ago.'
'Yeah,' Jake replied. 'Perhaps you haven't noticed how I've been vacuuming and doing the dishes a lot recently, without asking for any credit?'
'What about Dave?' James said. 'Go and bother him about getting the mail.'
'Dave was taking out the trash last week,' Jake said good-naturedly. 'It's your turn.'
'Unbelievable,' Jake said.
'Whatever,' James said.
'What about Dave?' Jake said. 'How about you annoy him about cleaning the toilet.'
'Uh, pshaw,' James said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! Cut me some slack, I can't take out the trash, I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel!!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Jake said.
'Unbelievable,' James said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Jake said.
'Give me a break, buddy,' Jake said, 'I've got allergies.'
'Don't you mean watching cat videos and looking at porn,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! Give it a rest, I can't mop the floor, I have to work for a living!!"'
'That's racist,' Jake said.
'Give it a rest, man,' James said, 'I'm going through this shit with my boyfriend.'
'I think you mean getting high with your girlfriend and wherever it is you go all day,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! My back hurts, can you buy new toilet paper for me for a hours?!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you literally trying?' Jake said.
'This isn't a good time,' Jake said.
'Like you'll ever have time,' James said.
'This isn't a good time,' James said.
'Heard that one before,' Jake said.
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' James said.
'You never have time for this,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! Fuck off, I can't buy more kleenex, I've got a headache!!"'
'What is this, junior high?' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! Cut me some slack, I can't buy some dish soap, I'm bipolar!!"'
'Okay, that's seriously offensive,' Jake said.
'Leave me alone, buddy,' Jake said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'Oh, I see,' James said drily, 'and so you're utterly incapable of picking up the shit in the dining room, huh?'
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! Go easy on me, I can't sweep the kitchen floor, I'm trying to quit smoking!!"'
'That's racist,' Jake said.
'I so don't have time for this right now,' James said.
'Well it's not like fairies are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I think workers are going to sweep the kitchen floor for me!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you literally trying?' Jake said.
'Give it a rest, buddy,' James said, 'I've got allergies.'
'Gotcha,' Jake said tightly, 'and therefore you're incapable of sweeping the patio, yeah?'
'Back off, man,' Jake said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'Gotcha,' James said with an eye roll, 'and that makes you incapable of cleaning off the stovetop, apparently?'
'Unbelievable,' James said.
'I'm just saying,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! My leg hurts, can you wipe down the microwave for me for a days?!"'
'Okay, that's offensive,' Jake said.
'I've got to go,' Jake said.
Tom coughed politely.
'Uh Pete,' Tom said. 'I noticed I haven't seen anyone else wiping down the microwave lately.'
'Weird,' Pete replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been paying the bills and sweeping the floor in the past two hours, just for fun?'
'Give it a rest, dude,' Pete said, 'My toe hurts.'
'I think you mean lounging about,' Tom said.
'I so don't have time for this,' Tom said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I'm too cool to wipe down the microwave!!"'
'What is this, fourth grade?' Pete said.
'Cut me some slack, bro,' Pete said, 'I've got a sinus infection.'
'Gotcha,' Tom said tightly, 'and that makes you incapable of doing the dishes, yeah?'
'Lay off, bro,' Tom said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'Gotcha,' Pete said sarcastically, 'and therefore you're incapable of paying the bills, eh?'
'What about Jake?' Pete said. 'How about you annoy him about cleaning the sink.'
'Uh, sure,' Tom said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'Lay off, bro,' Tom said, 'My cat is depressed.'
'Or were you hitting the clubs,' Pete said.
'Back off, buddy,' Tom said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'Gotcha,' Pete said drily, 'and therefore you're utterly incapable of mucking out the fridge, does it?'
'What about Jake?' Tom said. 'Why don't you annoy him about mopping the floor.'
'Jake was getting the mail last week,' Pete said. 'How about you take a shift.'
'Give it a rest, bro,' Pete said, 'I've been busy.'
'Don't you mean wherever it is you go all day,' Tom said.
'Back off, man,' Tom said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'Gotcha,' Pete said tightly, 'and because of this tragedy you're totally incapable of cleaning off the stovetop, apparently?'
'Yeah, whatever,' Pete said.
'Whatever,' Tom said.
'Back off, buddy,' Tom said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'Or were you lounging about,' Pete said.
'Yeah, whatever,' Tom said.
'Incredible,' Pete said.
'Can we talk about this later,' Tom said.
'And I don't have time to pick up the shit in the dining room ,' Pete said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'What about Jake?' Tom said. 'Why don't you irritate him about washing the dish towels.'
'Jake was wiping down the microwave yesterday,' Pete said calmly. 'You're overdue to help out.'
'Give me a break, dude,' Tom said, 'I've got a headache.'
'You mean at school,' Pete said.
'I don't have time for this,' Tom said.
'And I don't have time to take out the trash ,' Pete said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! Lay off, I can't throw out your rotting bagels, I've got a lot on my mind!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you trying?' Tom said.
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Tom! Give it a rest, I can't buy some wet wipes, I have to work for a living!!"'
'Okay, that's offensive,' Tom said.
'Back off, dude,' Tom said, 'My neck hurts.'
'I think you mean watching shitty Netflix tv shows,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! Fuck off, I can't scrub the shower, I've got a migraine!!"'
'What are you, two?' Pete said.
'This isn't a good time,' Tom said.
'And I didn't have time to change those burnt-out lightbulbs this morning,' Pete said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'You're always making excuses,' Tom said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! Leave me alone, I can't clean the toilet, I'm still getting over that toe injury!!"'
'Just stop,' Pete said.
'I can't even keep track of what I do around here?' Pete said. 'dusting, washing the dish towels, doing the dishes...'
'That's ridiculous,' Tom said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'What about Jake?' Tom said. 'How about you bother him about washing the dish towels.'
'Uh, pshaw,' Pete said. 'Have you ever seen him clean anything?'
'I'm too busy for this right now,' Pete said.
'And I didn't have time to do the dishes last week,' Tom said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Give it a rest, dude,' Tom said, 'I'm going through this shit with my boyfriend.'
'More like out drinking,' Pete said.
'Leave me alone, bro,' Tom said, 'I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel.'
'I think you mean out drinking,' Pete said.
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' Tom said.
'And I didn't have time to clean the toilet yesterday,' Pete said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'I've got to go,' Pete said.
James had something on his mind.
'Hey Jake,' James said. 'I see I haven't seen anybody mucking out the fridge lately.'
'How fascinating,' Jake replied. 'So you haven't noticed how I've been mucking out the fridge and picking up the shit in the living room in the past few days, without asking for any credit?'
'There's no end to what I do around here?' James said. 'vacuuming, scrubbing the shower, changing those burned-out lightbulbs...'
'More like at work,' Jake said.
'I don't have time for this,' James said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Jake said.
'Leave me alone, bro,' Jake said, 'I'm still getting over that leg injury.'
'Uh huh,' James said viciously, 'and because of this tragedy you're incapable of doing the dishes, it seems?'
'Can we talk about this later,' James said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' Jake said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I'm too cool to pay the bills!!"'
'That's the most childish thing I've ever heard,' James said.
'Back off, bro,' James said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'More like away,' Jake said.
'Cut me some slack, bro,' James said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'Uh huh,' Jake said with an eye roll, 'and because of this tragedy you're completely incapable of throwing out that dude's moldy egg rolls, hmm?'
'This is not a good time to talk about this,' James said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' Jake said.
'Back off, man,' James said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'More like getting high with your boyfriend,' Jake said.
'Unbelievable,' Jake said.
'Unbelievable,' James said.
'I'm too busy for this shit right now,' Jake said.
'You never have time for this,' James said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! My arm hurts, can you wipe down the microwave for me for a couple of months?!"'
'That was uncalled for,' Jake said.
'I'm too busy for this right now,' James said.
'And I don't have time to clean the sink ,' Jake said. 'But I do it anyway.'
'I don't have time for this,' James said.
'That's what you said last week,' Jake said.
'Lay off, man,' James said, 'I've got a migraine.'
'Gotcha,' Jake said cynically, 'and so you're incapable of doing the dishes, apparently?'
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! I'm too cool to wipe down the microwave!!"'
'I will punch you in the face,' Jake said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Jake! My foot hurts, can you mop the floor for me for a months?!"'
'What are you, four?' Jake said.
'Can we talk about this later,' James said.
'You never have time for this,' Jake said.
'I don't have time for this,' James said.
'Well it's not like little unicorns are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Jake said.
'I'm just saying,' Jake said.
'Incredible,' James said.
'I've got to go,' Jake said.
James coughed politely.
'Uh Pete,' James said. 'It seems to me that I haven't seen anyone else changing those burned-out lightbulbs in recent memory.'
'How fascinating,' Pete replied. 'Perhaps you haven't noticed how I've been scrubbing the shower and doing the dishes in the past weeks, because that's what civilized people do?'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I've got allergies! I've been busy!!"'
'You just crossed a line,' James said.
'Go easy on me, buddy,' Pete said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'I see,' James said viciously, 'and so you're completely incapable of buying more stamps, hmm?'
'Lay off, man,' Pete said, 'My back hurts.'
'Oh, I see,' James said drily, 'and therefore you're completely incapable of cleaning the sink, hmm?'
'Can we talk about this later,' Pete said.
'And I didn't have time to mop the floor this morning,' James said. 'But I did it anyway.'
'Cut me some slack, bro,' James said, 'My cat is depressed.'
'Gotcha,' Pete said tightly, 'and that makes you incapable of vacuuming, eh?'
'You're always making excuses,' Pete said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm James! I'm too cool to vacuum!!"'
'Are you trying to make me angry? Are you trying?' James said.
'Give it a rest, dude,' James said, 'I've got a sinus infection.'
'Right,' Pete said tightly, 'and because of this tragedy you're completely incapable of changing those burned-out lightbulbs, it seems?'
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' James said.
'Well it's not like janitors are going to do the cleaning if you don't,' Pete said.
'Back off, pal,' Pete said, 'I think I'm coming down with something.'
'Right,' James said sarcastically, 'and that makes you incapable of throwing out that dude's rotting pasta sauce, hmm?'
'What about Dave?' James said. 'Go and pester him about doing the dishes.'
'Uh, sure,' Pete said. 'You ever seen him clean anything?'
'Take it easy, bro,' James said, 'I've got a lot on my mind.'
'Oh, I see,' Pete said viciously, 'and so you're incapable of sweeping the floor, huh?'
'Leave me alone, pal,' James said, 'I'm trying to quit smoking.'
'Uh huh,' Pete said tightly, 'and because of this tragedy you're completely incapable of doing the dishes, hmm?'
'This is so not a good time to talk about this,' Pete said.
'That's right, just keep putting it off,' James said.
'Back off, pal,' Pete said, 'I've got more important things to worry about.'
'Uh huh,' James said drolly, 'and because of this tragedy you're utterly incapable of picking up the shit in the living room, yeah?'
'You want me to list what I do around here?' James said. 'washing the dish towels, doing the dishes, doing the dishes...'
'That's ridiculous,' Pete said, 'you never do shit like that.'
'It's unbelievable, what I do around here?' James said. 'cleaning off the stovetop, changing those burned-out lightbulbs, cleaning off the stovetop...'
'More like at work,' Pete said.
'I'm just saying,' James said.
'Bullshit,' Pete said.
'Whatever,' Pete said.
'Unbelievable,' James said.
'Leave me alone, dude,' Pete said, 'I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel.'
'Don't you mean getting high with your boyfriend and out drinking,' James said.
'You're seriously bringing this shit up now,' James said.
'That's what you said last week,' Pete said.
'You're always making excuses,' James said. '"Ooh, look at me, I'm Pete! I'm too cool to buy more kleenex!!"'
'What is this, third grade?' Pete said.
'Lay off, buddy,' James said, 'I've been writing a NaNoGenMo novel.'
'Or were you looking at porn,' Pete said.
'I've got to go,' Pete said.
Robert started doing the dishes, but nobody noticed.